Hair Of The Dog: Bringing Up The Rear (Texans v. Jaguars)

Kubiak gets all symbolic and stuff. - Scott Halleran

I originally wasn't on board with the idea that this was the worst season in Texans history. That changed on Sunday, when the Texans lost to the Jaguars.

Normally in this space, I try to put something witty about the upcoming game. I figure it's my last chance to say something positive before I undoubtedly become disappointed.

It's getting tough. I realized yesterday that between the Texans and my beloved Northwestern Wildcats, I have not witnessed one of my teams win a game since September 21, 2013. That's over two months ago. Sometimes I wonder why I still watch. Surely, I'd be happier mowing the lawn, or punching myself in the face, or pulling out my leg hairs one by one.

Yet, here we are (and I say we, because if you're reading this you're as messed up as I am). Our addiction continues.

We should all be in rehab.

Pregame:

BFD:

Kitten Jason Babin in his kittening kitten.

First Quarter:

Mbw:

Brandon Harris got his tits lit on that one.

UT:

So I've spent the last 40 minutes racing around the greater Seattle area trying to find a new place to watch the Texans game (since a pipe burst at my usual watering hole) and found myself at a Buffalo Wild Wings...and THIS is what I arrive to see?

Oh well, at least I've got Buffalo Wild Wings to console me.

Mbw:

Yay, the fun has already started.

Henne is going to throw for 400 yards today.

BFD:

#Tank4Teddy

Mbw:

Keshawn Martin still hasn't learned not to bring the ball 8 yards out of the end zone.

UT:

Joe Marciano is his coach, it's a wonder he still knows to go FORWARD in the end zone.

Captain Ron:

The Texans should rename the defensive backs from "Secondary" to "Tertiary."

UT:

So the only way we're going to advance the ball is through penalties, huh?

That must be the wheels actually coming OFF this train.

Mbw:

Did you know Derek Newton sucks?

Captain Ron:

So should we rename him from "Hologram" to "Mega Maid?" If so, when does he go from suck to blow?

UT:

Well what do you expect from the Lulzsecondary?

Captain Ron:

"Attention ladies and gentlemen, the Texans are playing worse than the Jaguars." /drops microphone

UT:

To borrow from John Paul Jones, "They have not yet begun to suck."

UT:

And JJo is hurt. Hark, doth mine ears detect the sound of another wheel falling off?

Mbw:

Of course Joseph is hurt.

Where is Roc Carmichael when you need him?

Captain Ron:

It is either the sound of another wheel coming off, or a leash dragging behind the bus. The little guy was probably trying to keep up for the first mile or two...

Mbw:

Hopefully Keenum stops playing like ass and throws some bombs to Andre Johnson.

Second Quarter:

Mbw:

This pass rush thing is weird to witness.

UT:

A short pass on third and 25? Is Kubiak calling BOTH offenses?

Captain Ron:

Mercilus is not wanting the Texans to draft Barr or Clowney, so he finally woke up and is tipping the scales toward a Teddy pick

BFD:

#JoeMarGameBall has finally taught his charges to tackle. Too bad it's our own team.

Mbw:

I think HOU has one first down so far.

Can we please just see Keenum chuck it deep to Dre? I really don't want to see Matt Schaub play today.

UT:

And I think that was due to the horsecollar call, I think.

Vega:

Every week I tell myself that at least I can't be further disappointed, and every week I'm disappointed in my inability to predict my disappointment.

Vega:

You know that was a miskick because it didn't give Martin a chance to return.

Captain Ron:

The field at Reliant looks like a circus already rolled through it. What will it look like after THIS circus is done rolling through it? And WHEN will this venue invest in a proper playing field?

Mbw:

We are the worst screen team of all time.

Captain Ron:

The Texans offense is helping Mercilus make a case for Teddy in the draft as well.

Bayless:

Case looks like the kid from Rookie of the Year after his arm heals.

Vega:

Haha... he just said two first downs that we don't have to make. The insinuation that we can make two first downs is cute.

Mbw:

Can we just trade Keenum for a 4th round pick already?

Captain Ron:

Reliant Turf Monster > D. Johnson. That could have been a score on that big run if Reliant invested in a quality field!

Vega:

Every time I watch those commercials where the mountain climbers scale dangerous, frozen heights to bring Coors Light to the crowded bar, I always wonder how the hell all those people got there and why the mountain climbers don't just go that way.

Vega:

Wow, we can't even get out of the two-minute warning without kittening up.

UT:

Keenum sack. Defender untouched. Oline garbage.

Yep, they're trying to murder Keenum.

Vega:

Timeout Tennessee? Even the refs are kittening with us.

UT:

I can never tell for sure but have the Texans quit?

Vega:

Bullock does have a monster leg. If only he could control it.

Halftime:

BFD:

Expectations suck.

Captain Ron:

Vegas was obviously trolling when they set the Texans up with a 10 point advantage against the Jags.

Mbw:

Randy Bullock needs to have a training session like in Spiderman 1 where he learns how to control his web.

BFD:

My wife and I were just talking about something similar for me...

UT:

Things that scare me: What if the first half WAS the Texans' good half?

Third Quarter:

BFD:

Four net passing yards. #TEAMKEENUM

Vega:

Four yards?!

We have four kitten yards?!

You can't say kitten on the air.

Ah, doesn't matter... nobody's

Vega:

/nobody's listening.

I can't even get the kittening quote right.

BFD:

Where nothing could possibligh go wrong. Possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

UT:

That's okay. You're still battling, and really, that's on Kubiak because he has to get back to watching tape and keeping the quotes running correctly.

Vega:

Dennis Johnson might be a good reason to watch the second half.

Mbw:

He looks better than Ben Tate in our offense, he plants and cuts extremely well.

Captain Ron:

Hopkins has been nonexistent ever since his wang went public.

Vega (on fourth and goal):

GO FOR IT!!!!

BFD:

Can we not think of something better than "scat back?" I mean, ewwwww.

Captain Ron:

Brooks Reed signs the invitation to draft Barr or Clowney with that missed tackle.

Captain Ron:

Swearinger has incredible instincts. He could become very special.

Captain Ron:

Antonio Smith with the brain dead penalty on third down. /slow golf clap

UT:

Never underestimate the heart of a defense that's determined to stay on the field even after forcing a fourth down.

UT:

Does ANYBODY want to win this game?

Mbw:

The answer is no.

JJ Watt caused Henne to fumble the football just by him looking at him and then he blocked the FG.

He is the greatest.

Captain Ron:

JJ Watt = "Disrupticon"

Fourth Quarter:

Captain Ron:

How many more years until there are sensors in the football to determine accurate placement?

UT:

I can only laugh that the ball is short of the first. this is a wholly inappropriate response, but it's better than losing my damn marbles.

UT:

Denard Robinson in for Jacksonville? QUICK SOMEONE FIND MDC!!

Captain Ron:

Nobody blocks for Martin on the punt return? Just how deep is this Marciano Trench anyway?

Mbw:

I have never seen Bayless in real life, but I imagine he looks like Charlie Whitehurst.

UT:

Did you ever see "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?" If so, do you remember them falling down into hell?

That's a roadside ditch compared to the Marciano Trench.

Mbw:

HOU is 3/12 on third down.

Captain Ron:

Another splendid "three & out" for the Texans' Offense. I imagine the huddles sound like this; "Kitten the bed, on three, ready....break!"

Vega:

I think it's fair to say that this game has lived up to expectation so far.

Captain Ron:

Outside my window I can see vultures circling (for real). I may have to change the channel to something other than the Texans' game until they leave.

UT:

Jags with a 53 yard field goal, because why the hell not?

Mbw:

We are watching the death of Keenumania right now.

UT:

And just when you thought special teams wouldn't add their own special brand of kitten to this punch bowl, a holding penalty arises.

Vega:

The Texans have to go 93 yards to tie the game. That's 58% of their total yardage to this point. More homebrew.

BFD:

A perfect (happy?) ending would be AJ scoring a TD and #FatKicker missing the PAT.

Vega:

How badly do you think Kubiak wants to put Schaub in right now.

Vega:

We're actually about to lose to the Jaguars. And it hasn't even been as close as the score suggests.

Captain Ron:

I can't wait to see the snap count this week. The time of possession has to be a new franchise record low.

UT:

I want to be pissed about this, but I just can't find enough emotional reserve to feel that way about this team.

Vega:

I just don't care anymore

Brett:

I just got to a spot I could see the game. Two minute warning time. I would also like to point out that a lot of people called me a hater for saying that Keenum isn't a good quarterback a month ago. Who's a hater now?

Captain Ron:

I have give the crowd credit for sticking around. It sounds like they are still in it with enthusiasm.

Brett:

Dre Jr has to catch that...

UT:

Aaaaaaaaand that's the game. The Texans are now the worst team in football.

BARKEEP!!! Three Moscow Mules and step on it!

BFD:

Truly outstanding ending to a truly outstanding game. I'm dying here.

Brett:

I mean...really? Come on.

Captain Ron:

And....Martin sinks the ship. Too bad the interception goes against the QB when the receiver is a moron.

Mbw:

What an INT.

Yes they have lost 9 in a row, yes they just lost to the Jaguars, yes they will draft a QB in the first round next year, yes 2013 sucks.

UT:

That's how that game deserved to end.

It was kittening magical.

How about that.

The Texans are now officially the worst team in the league. I've got nothing left to say.

Jaguars vs Texans coverage

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