Hair Of The Dog: Flag On The Field

Nope - Pat Lovell-USA TODAY Sports

The only thing the Texans did right on Sunday was find their way to the stadium, and that's the one thing we wish they hadn't accomplished.

I went out with a friend on Friday night and stayed out past my bed time (which, anyone with young kids can tell you, is far earlier than it used to be). Then on Saturday, I went for an eight mile run in the morning and followed it up with an afternoon of yard work and laying mulch. I capped off yesterday at a friend's Christmas party where we ate some great food (his wife is just an amazing cook) with some good beer and wine before finishing the evening with some honest to goodness moonshine.

Suffice to say, my energy level for this game is somewhere between a rock and a stick. I find this a useful and therapeutic way to watch Texans games.  It prevents me from getting too riled up when they inevitably suck.

Pregame:

Captain Ron:

After 11 consecutive losses, it feels like Vegas Vacation when Griswold took a cash advance from a credit card to try again in the casino. If you keep betting on red, eventually it hits right? RIGHT?!! Oh, um, hi there Eddie…

Brett:

How about this Ron, I take you out back, kick you in the nuts, and we call it even, eh?

D_more:

Well this day just got worse, just realized I was out of egg nog.

UT:

The more I see of Rob Riggle on Fox's Pregame show, the more I think maybe death squads aren't such a bad idea after all

First Quarter:

Captain Ron:

First defensive series: Poor tackling, penalties, and McCain getting beat deep. Yep, firing Kubiak sure fixed the defense eh?

UT (after Colts' first TD):

Well, that was fast.

BFD:

And Kareem gets pantsed for the TD. So very, very ugly. Our only decent defensive plays on that stand were when they gave Trent the ball.

BFD:

Dennis Johnson didn't try to return the ball from nine yards deep in the end zone. IT'S A NEW WORLD!

Captain Ron:

The Texans couldn't stop Paris Hilton, much less T.Y.

UT:

First 1st half TD allowed to the Colts since they played the Broncos.

Brett:

Trent Richardson needs to be in a zone scheme to have success. He simply has no idea what the kitten he's doing on power.

Mbw:

I'm not complaining though.

Brett:

Also that Whalen TD screamed miscommunication to me. Kareem was playing like he expected help inside.

UT:

Three penalties in under seven minutes. Yikes.

BFD:

Noticed that, as well. It looked like Sharpton was supposed to be helping on the inside, but Whalen beat Jackson deep. Kinda made it all moot.

BFD:

Seriously, if you're watching this game and think we should keep #TEAMKEENUM and not focus on a QB, then you don't understand the game of football..

UT:

Sweet Jesus I hate Brice McCain; and I'm on board with calling him KittenKitten now.

UT:

Holy kitten a pick!

Captain Ron:

J-Jo looking to stay on the roster next year with another pick.

Brett:

TWO HANDS ON THE BALL, JOSEPH. TWO HANDS ON THE BALL.

Mbw:

LONG LIVE KITTEN KITTEN.

Shiloh Keo is getting his ass kicked this game and it is awesome.

Mbw:

Keenum does look better in the pocket today.

Second Quarter:

Mbw:

Is that how married sex works? You just start painting a bench, pop a cialis and then it goes down.

BFD:

Nope

Captain Ron:

"Brown chicken, brown cow"

Brett:

Our slot corner situation is so depressing. Harris gets beat, McCain missed tackle.

BFD:

Trent Richardson is truly awful. He's the only guy we can stop.

Mbw (after Keenum pick):

Can we start calling Keenum KittenKitten instead of McCain now?

Brett:

That was such a disgustingly bad decision. Hopkins was just sitting there on the sideline right behind Andre. Talk about tunnel vision...

UT:

Oh Case, it was fun while it lasted.

Mbw:

Both of you are right,

Like BFD said earlier I have no idea how you can watch Keenum and think he is anything more than Sage Rosenfels, which even might be a slap in the face to Sage.

UT:

Ben Tate is going to make some other team very happy next year, and then cough up a fumble that drives them insane.

Mbw:

As long as he plays in a man scheme he will be fine.

Brett:

Shiloh Keo lets Hilton behind him literally every time we play Indy. He has no concept of how to keep the play in front of him.

Captain Ron:

This officiating crew should do a Tide commercial. They love them some laundry!

UT:

Touchdown on a kittening improvised shovel pass.

Mbw:

I don't think that was improvised, just a badass play.

Hahaha Keo has a ten yard cushion 20 yards down the field and still gets burned.

Brett:

If this team had a quarterback, a right tackle, and a free safety they would have 11-12 wins.

Mbw:

TO differential, high pick, hopefully healthy, one possession wins, talent, better QB play, better HC

are all reasons why 2014 is going to be better.

Mbw:

This is the best game the O-line has had in a while.

Brett:

I don't think I've ever seen Andre drop two in a row.

Captain Ron:

Keo is just trying to get enough Hilton points to earn a vacation.

Mbw:

Dennison is shaking his head in disgust as Keenum throws in triple coverage.

Brett:

Staring down Andre Johnson. That's a bold strategy, Cotton.

Captain Ron:

Crappy route design + Case staring down and forcing to #80 = interceptions.

UT:

I think I've seen enough Keenum now, thank you very much. Let the T.J. Yates experiment begin!

Okay not really, that might jeopardize the first overall pick

Mbw:

There's a Keenum.

The big blitz, turns his shoulders to scramble and takes a long sack.

Brett:

When in doubt, blitz Keenum.

Mbw:

I bet Schaub is the QB coming out of the half.

Third Quarter:

Captain Ron:

The halftime entertainment is the Kirk Cousins' highlight reel.

Captain Ron:

Special Teams = #JustTakingWhatThePuntReturnerGivesUs (51 yard return?!!)

Mbw:

This Texans season has been like watching an impotent man dry humping a vacuum cleaner while listening to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream.

UT:

Personal experience, I take it?

Mbw:

College was a weird four years man.

Captain Ron:

The offensive play selection is dreadful. If Dennison was a pilot, he'd be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.

Mbw:

RUN, RUN, PASS

Keenum has 0 awareness in the pocket, but it is overlooked by the few scramble throws he has made this year.

BFD:

I was going to write the same exact thing. Awful.

UT:

I don't know what's worse, that they gave up a safety, that they're down three scores or that there's still a quarter left to play.

Mbw:

This is a Gabbertian performance by Keenum today.

Fourth Quarter:

Captain Ron:

Just let the clock keep running. Fake punts when up 25 - 3? #ChuckLame

Captain Ron:

Texans in zombie mode. Dead, but still doing strange things on the field while the cameras roll.

Mbw:

What I think is funny is that there will still be people who want to see Keenum start at QB next year even after this game.

UT:

I don't think I want the answer but how many penalties does that make for the Texans?

Captain Ron:

14, tied with last week.

Brett:

Watching this team hurts. 2014 better be worth it.

Captain Ron:

Wade's forehead gets more action than runway 26R at Houston's Bush Intercontinental Airport.

Mbw:

Going into this game they were at 89 with 912 penalty yards, they are third in penalty yards and are only behind Seattle and Tampa.

I didn't think it was possible for this game to fall below expectations, but there it is. I watched the game on delay as I was at a friend's house for his kid's birthday party. At first I was upset that he held the party during football, but now I'm more upset that he didn't have it last all day.

All in all, I think Tim said it best in the post-game recap. The only thing I would like to add my concurrence to is that anyone who still thinks Keenum is the long term solution for the quarterback position should probably just stop watching football altogether.

Texans vs Colts coverage

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