Hair of the Dog:  Teddy!!!!

Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

The Texans take one step closer to the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL Draft with another Texans-ish performance. Read what the BRB staff thought in real time during the Texans' loss to the Broncos yesterday.

A quick list of things that are more likely than a Texans victory:

  • Winning the Mega-Millions
  • UT Wearing pants
  • Getting struck by a meteor while having a threesome with Lucy Pinder and Natalia Velez that has been pre-approved by my wife

Alas, it seems like we're all in for disappointment again.

Pregame:

BFD:

#Tank4Teddy

Captain Ron:

Wade’s pre-game speech: "Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. "

BFD:

Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!

BFD:

Ron, we should do the entire game in Blazing Saddles quotes.

UT:

So the Texans offense is going to be the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles, it seems.

That's fine, we don't need to score points against the Broncos

UT:

"Where all the white receivers at?"

Vega:

Somebody needs to go get a kittenload of flags

Corzo:

Schaub's beard will be the difference this afternoon.

First Quarter:

Corzo:

The same lousy curl routes.

Brett:

I'm playing Eric Decker in my daily league this week just because he'll be in the slot with McCain. Anything less than 3 TD's is a disappointment.

BFD:

Jeff Tarpinian has matched up with Decker in two of three of their offensive snaps. LOL?

Captain Ron:

In another 25 years Keo will be able to shake hands with fans in broad daylight if he keeps playing this well.

Vega (after Denver FG):

Aaaand we're losing. Our only hope was to score first and then have the universe explode. There goes that idea.

UT:

Texans offense: Fart, fart, fart, flag, punt.

Captain Ron:

Ed Hochuli; " We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!"

Corzo:

A seam route against Cover 3 (I think) worked perfectly to Decker... just like in Madden.

BFD:

I think Tarpinian is getting every snap in dime, so that's interesting.

Also, I like what I see from Pleasant. If nothing else, maybe he proves to at least have a shot over Keo next year.

Captain Ron:

It only took Pleasant 15 games to get up to speed. Now if he can just stop holding and blocking in the back on special teams, we might have a decent DB.

BFD:

I don't know what else Wade Smith needs to do to prove he doesn't deserve meaningful snaps. Maybe...#Tank4Teddy?

Vega:

What do you think Andre Johnson's career would have been like if he had played with real quarterbacks?

Vega:

Who says that Schaub's not a team player. That overthrow of Andre shows he's #TankingForTeddy

BFD:

#FatKicker

Vega:

Broncos are falling like flies. We may win this game by forfeit.

Captain Ron:

Mass casualties in the first half. Nobody is getting out of this game alive?

Second Quarter:

Vega (before Broncos' TD):

Manning's on pace to go 48-64 for 512 yards.

Captain Ron:

"All too easy."

Corzo:

Is there any DB in the NFL that could turn his hips fast enough to beat a double move like that?

Brett:

Greg Jones is not a man you want to piss off.

BFD:

Time to hop aboard the Brandon Harris experience!

Corzo:

Ben Jones got whipped on a spin move.

Vega:

Brice McCain making plays. I'm scared, guys.

D_more:

A defensive stop? what is going on?

UT:

And Keshawn Martin with a long run, the hell is going on here?!

Captain Ron:

#Anarchy v. #Tank4Teddy

Vega:

Schaub's mobility on display again.

Captain Ron:

3rd down plays designed short of first downs? Check

Vega:

We always seem so unprepared for a screen.

BFD:

Jaguars now up 13-6 on the BESFs. #Tank4Teddy

Vega:

It's Washington that's important. If they win, we clinch #1.

Captain Ron:

The Broncos heard Houston is a great place to do laundry; 7 penalties in first half.

BFD:

Keo and McCain have dropped three INTs between them today.

Or is that four?

Captain Ron:

The defense looks pretty good under command of Vance Joseph.

UT:

Keo's playing like an actual safety or something.

Vega (after Schaub threw the ball into the ground):

What. In. The. Kitten. Was. That?!?!?!

Captain Ron:

His beard got caught in the sling, and the shell fell out of the gun?

Halftime:

Vega:

At half time, Manning has actually increased his pace. He's on track to go 46-62 for 592 yards. Schaub, on the other hand, is on pace to go 14-30 for 116.

Third Quarter:

Captain Ron:

Starting the second half of #Tank4Teddy with a prayer?

Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...

[stick of dynamite sails in through window]

Reverend Johnson: and DUCK!

Vega:

Schaub hasn't had his pick yet.

Captain Ron:

'Dre #BobblingForBridgewater

Corzo:

An-drop Johnson

Vega:

Andre Johnson clearly confused about receiving a pass from Schaub in the end zone.

Captain Ron (After Texans' TD):

'Stone Hands' Martin passes through the wormhole and catches a TD pass?

Brett:

I swear to Durga, if Schaub fucks this up for us...

UT:

Dammit, stop trying to screw up the first overall pick!!

Vega:

Relax, guys. Schaub's got this.

Corzo:

The defense is defending the bunch sets very well. Manning thrives on rub routes and such.

BFD:

Guys, I'm getting a bit worried about #Tank4Teddy. Aside from Brooks Reed, nobody is really giving their best tanking effort.

BFD (after Schaub is sacked twice):

That's much better.

Vega:

I'm telling you, there's nothing to worry about. Schaub's at his best in the fourth quarter.

Vega:

J.J. Watt just crushed Manning. I now consider this game a win.

Captain Ron:

JJ Watt is not going to #Crumble4Clowney

Fourth Quarter:

Vega:

I told you Schaub had you covered.

BFD:

Well called, little Vega.

Vega:

It's really not that hard.

Brett:

That was an awesome pick by Harris. I wish slot corners could go to the pro bowl.

Vega:

And most importantly, Washington is beating the Cowboys. What number do you think Bridgewater will wear for us next year? Think he'll stay with 5?

BFD:

Don't care as long as it's not #8.

Vega:

Conspiracy time! I wonder if Andre dropped that TD earlier to make sure he did his part to get himself a new QB?

Captain Ron:

It would be nice to see something other than #8 under center for the franchise guy.

Speaking of guys who wore #5 in college, Andre Johnson had that at the "U"

Vega:

Conspiracy time, Part 2!! Andre seemed to give up on that deep pass.

Captain Ron:

Holding on Eddie Pleasant on special teams? Well, he is consistent. I need to go research it, but I think that is 15 of 15 games with a penalty for #35.

UT:

If it were anyone other than Dre, I'd be right there with you.

Vega:

Yeah... I don't honestly believe it. Just trying to entertain myself. You know... give myself a reason to keep watching.

Corzo:

Brooks Reed can't even shed a block against the run anymore.

BFD:

A lot of people have talked about how the Texans are purposefully tanking. The only guy I see out there playing without effort is Brooks Reed.

Captain Ron:

All the linebackers look like crap. Coaching issue?

BFD:

Talent, mostly. I think.

Vega:

So, I guess that means everyone else's best effort is crap?

UT (after Broncos' TD):

That first pick is as good as ours!

Vega:

Deji Kareem hurt now. Grimey in. Homer's next.

Vega (after last Broncos' TD):

You guys still worried about the tank?

BFD (after Cowboys' win):

As if I thought I could hate the Cokeboys more than I already did.

Vega:

Yeah, kittening Dallas and kittening Shanahan.

Vega:

And the Schaub pick.

Just because.

BFD:

Bill Barnwell @billbarnwell

Texans would have clinched first overall pick with Washington win. Now, if they win next week and Washington loses, Rams have first pick.


It's going to absolutely suck if we don't wind up with the #1.

Crazy. We were thaaaat close to clinching the silver lining that would have made this season worthwhile; honestly, it's just a matter of time. While it would be nice to be able to root for victory over the BESFs without any internal conflict, I think it's simply a matter of time before the inevitable comes true. And as fans, we have but one more week before this painful season comes to an end.

Broncos vs Texans coverage

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Battle Red Blog

You must be a member of Battle Red Blog to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle Red Blog. You should read them.

Join Battle Red Blog

You must be a member of Battle Red Blog to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Battle Red Blog. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker