Dear Santa Claus,
With much regret, I must inform you I've been naughty this year. However, in the hope that acting selflessly in your eyes will, at least in some small measure, redeem myself, I've made a wishlist for others. 'Tis my sincere hope you can bring the following what they dearly need.
Santa Claus, please bring to:
- D.J. Swearinger: Arms.
- Shiloh Keo: A brain, hands, and a landing pad for all those times he needlessly dives over players who are already down. Maybe some sense of the time/space continuum. Too much? Also a clue, speed, ability in coverage...
- Tim: A bottle of Johnie Walker Blue...but with only like two shots left because I already drank the rest.
- Andre Johnson: A shiny new quarterback. Andre will feed him every day and take him for walks and clean up his poop and everything!
- Brice McCain: A scrapbook titled "Great Memories of 2011" and a bus ticket.
- Ed Reed: Self-awareness, though I think Santa already has this one covered.
- Derek Newton: Some magic fairy dust to help him in pass protection. And lighter feet.
- Keshawn Martin: Joe Marciano.
- J.J. Watt: Help.
- Ben Jones: Weight set.
- Matt Schaub: Four-wheel drive scooter.
- MDC: His word.
- Arian Foster: World peace and 150 less touches from 2010 to 2012.
- Bayless Parsley: A haircut, ya damn hippie, and a first name.
- Ben Tate: A big payday. Not with the Texans, Santa, but Ben played tough this year.
- Rick Smith: A pink slip, and I don't mean the happy fun sexy time kind of slip, either.
- Brett Kollman: MOAR TVs, and his own NFL Network spot with Rivers McCown. We could call it "The Scout and The Hipster." Or "The Scarecrow and Mrs. King?" I'm spit-balling here.
- Wade Phillips: A long, happy retirement full of grandkids, great grandkids, and wonderful contributions to society. Starting now.
Finally, Santa, if you see fit to grant me a couple of small wishes, I would greatly appreciate a new liver and Teddy Bridgewater.
Please give all the elves and reindeer big leg hugs from me. I do wish you and Mrs. Claus the best of health and much love.