7:00 - Oh man, does it feel good to finally get home after taking tests all day and actually watch something football related for the first time since the Super Bowl. Finally, all the speculation and who's going where nonsense is about to end, and we will actually have an idea by Monday how the Houston Texans are going to look like in 2013.
Every year, the NFL puts one of these draft introductions together, and, every year, they are a convoluted mess of dancing meshed with terrible music. This year is no different with some weird rapping, and the chorus is the song from that Kia commercial with the sock monkey hanging out with other puppets. I can guarantee that no one has, in the history of mankind, listened to that song in their free time unless they were forced to via the blare of a commercial.
NFL Draft 2006 Opening (via horrorfreakev13)
Sidenote: This is not a spoof, but it is the best drafting opening of all-time. I was rolling around on the floor when Vince Young came dressed in angelic white, and Matt Leinart as Neo is something everyone needs to witness. Man, the 2000s were a weird time as the media and corporations had all this pressure to be futuristic since it was the dawn of a new millennium. As a result, we get Michael Huff dressed as Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell, NFL Street, and Sprite Remix. The only thing that could have had made it better is if the creepy Eastern European guy was replaced with Mugatu.
7:04 - Goodell getting berated with boos never gets old. Oh, and he quietly steers them off the side of the road by bringing up the Boston Marathon. Even Jets fans would not boo this time.
7:05 - New York Jets legend Joe Namath already looks sloshed. I will give him the benefit of the doubt since it is 8:05 p.m. Eastern time, but I just hope someone let Suzy Kolber know that the lion is in the jungle.
7:06 - Goodell is a terrible host, and I would not even give him any assignments to help out with my graduation party next week. He would probably buy a couple handles of Everclear for it and then fine people who drank too much. That was one of the most awkward attempts at trying to energize a crowd in the history of party planning. He should host the Oscars next year for the unintentional comedy that would ensue.
Right now, the only question for the Kansas City Chiefs is if it's Luke Joeckel or Eric Fisher. They both seem to be the same player except Fisher is bigger and Joeckel played against tougher competition. It is weird the pick was not made last night, but that era is over now with the rookie pay scale.
Jon Gruden looks creepy as usual, hair parted down the middle, with the intense non-verbal communication. He resembles someone who should be sitting in a movie theater muttering to himself. Mel Kiper, Jr. has looked the same the past ten years, still resembles Dracula, and has a widow's peak that even Vegeta would be jealous about. This is his last rodeo though and Todd McShay will probably take his place next year. The NFL Draft will never be the same without Mel Kiper, Jr. there.
7:16 - With the first pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select Eric FIsher, Offensive Tackle from Central Michigan. Maybe they can sign Dan LeFevour as their backup. Never in my lifetime would I think a guy from Central Michigan would be the number one pick of the draft. I think it was Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback where Andy Reid said he liked his tackles to have Tayshaun Prince type arms. The decision here was made simply because one guy was a little bigger than the other. Also, I am digging these NFL Draft hats this year. They are infinitely better than the sharktooth hats of the past. I am just excited to get to see Andy Reid mismanage the clock on Sunday because it is one of those NFL staples that never should go away. In the year 3000, they should put his head in a jar like in Futurama and let Reid coach for the rest of eternity.
7:20 - The Bud Light couch commercial nauseates me every time because it worries me that ad execs think that all 20-somethings are like that. Trust me: we are not that bad.
7:22 - After seeing the Jaguars' war room picture the other day, I imagine their General Manager being a dog sitting at the computer. If I am Jacksonville, I go Joeckel since J.J. Watt is not going anywhere and Whitney Mercilus will continue to improve.
With the second pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Luke Joeckel, OT from Texas A&M. I am surprised to see the Jags make a smart pick, actually. I thought they would do something zany like take Ziggy Ansah or Dion Jordan even though there is a future All-Pro LT sitting there.
7:27 - R.I.P. Al Davis; it's a shame you are not alive to take Tavon Austin right here. It would have been the first time taking the fastest guy in the draft would actually turn out to be a good football decision. The chart ESPN just showed looked at the pick after the Raiders for the past couple of drafts. Rolando McClain-C.J. Spiller, JaMarcus Russell-Calvin Johnson, Fabian Washington-Aaron Rodgers, Robert Gallery-Larry Fitzgerald. The Raiders are the Good Luck Chuck of the NFL.
7:33 - Trade! Oakland trades the third pick to Miami for picks 12 and 42 (second round). Ryan Tannehill has no excuse to not succeed next year with a possible Lane Johnson at LT, a solid running game, and a Mike Wallace deep threat.
With the third pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select Dion Jordan, defensive end from Oregon. Jordan would be the perfect weak-side linebacker whose only job is to rush the passer from an outside nine-technique. His entire pass rush game involves no rips or swims and consists entirely of trying to run past the offensive tackle. He would be a Wade Phillips wet dream, but I don't get him playing in the 4-3. Gruden did a double take when he saw the pick, but I think he is just pissed off and just scratched the Dolphins off of his list of teams to coach in 2014.
Looking forward to see where new Philadelphia head coach Chip Kelly is going. We need a new wild card coach in the NFL.
7:42 - With the fourth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select Lane Johnson, OT from Oklahoma. Booooooo! I like the pick but was hoping for something wild. I am sure quarterback Michael Vick is looking forward to getting sacked 30 times instead of 40 next season. The Eagles will be fun to watch when Dennis Dixon runs the offense in Week Five after the inevitable Vick injury.
7:49 - With the fifth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, NFL Hall of Famer Barry Sanders is introducing the pick fresh off his Madden cover vote. He still looks like he can play and should maybe think about joining Herschel Walker in doing Mixed Martial Arts fights. It joins my list of things I would pay $5 to see. Detroit goes with BYU DE Ziggy Ansah, the freak athlete who has only played football for a few years. This pick has bust written all over it. He is they type of guy that draft "experts" love because he's raw, unknown, and can run 40-yard-dash fast in spandex, but these sort of guys work out 25% of the time. I don't like him; he is wearing Real 3D glasses in his interview. That was not even cool when I was 15 years old.
7:55 - With the sixth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Barkevious Mingo, DE from LSU. He has the coolest name in the draft and just took Mercilus' crown for the best name a pass rusher could have. I am sure he will ruff up opposing QBs in the Dawg Pound. The Browns will have the best defense in the AFC North next year. The Browns. I am glad Brandon Weeden will get another year to start in the NFL since bad QBs make the league more entertaining. Speaking of bad QBs, the Cardinals with their gang of them are on the clock.
8:01 - With the seventh pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select Jonathan Cooper, Offensive Guard from North Carolina. A man so big he has to have someone else put his jacket on for him. I really know nothing about him, but I am sure I am a couple of YouTube highlight videos from being convinced. All I care about is for Larry Fitzgerald to finally have the chance to get the ball again. Make it happen, Carson Palmer.
The Rams will definitely take West Virginia wide receiver Tavon Austin here. Bradford finally gets a WR better than Brandon Gibson, Donnie Avery, or Danny Amendola sitting on the sideline. Austin will be great catching passes out of the backfield, running by guys on slant routes, and has the chance to revolutionize an offense with all he can do. The Bills will most likely take Ryan Nassib or Geno Smith with pick 16. If they do take a QB and he fails, they will be setting their franchise back for another three to five years. This is because you waste two or three years with a crappy one, and then draft another a team usually has to wait two or three years for him to be good. The Bills better hope they don't screw this pick up, especially since Doug Flutie is still the best QB the Bills have had since Jim Kelly.
8:06 - With the eighth pick, the Rams do, in fact, take Austin. The entire world knew the Rams were going to take Tavon "My Mother is Taller Than Me" Austin. Wow, he was fast at WVU and it's going to be insane how quick he is going to be on the turf in St. Louis. Gruden is even talking about how NFL divisions are cyclical (something I covered earlier this year). As an aside, if we go 6-10 I hope Gruden comes to Houston to replace Gary Kubiak. No idea what the Jets do here.
8:12 - The Jets are already making excuses for their pick since the Rams moved up and took Austin.
8:17 - With the ninth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Jets select Dee Milliner, cornerback from Alabama. The logic for this pick is nonsensical to me. I understand that Milliner will have a cheaper contract, the Jets will have him for a longer period time, and Darrelle Revis is 30 coming off a knee injury, but the Jets trade the best CB In the NFL for a pick to take another corner when it is not certain he is going to be any good in the NFL. They would have been better off keeping Revis for another year, seeing how he plays, and extending him if he plays at his previous level. The most surprising part of this draft is the Jets band of jabronis actually cheered a pick
8:24 - With the tenth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans select Chance Warmack, OG from Alabama. The AFC South's strategy has been "Oh crap, this J.J. Watt guy is going to be here for a while."
THANK GOD— Chris Johnson (@ChrisJohnson28) April 26, 2013
Sums it up right there. You have to be able to create Moses parting the Red Sea sized holes for Chris Johnson to succeed. If he has to cut back or use vision at all, he will just dance around in the back field for one yard gains. However, Johnson can run really, really, really, really fast for 2,000 yards if the offensive line can create lanes he can play track and field in.
8:27 - OOOOOOOH, a summer movie trailer. I can't believe it's already time to spend $8 (Editor's Note: Where the heck are you watching movies?! Eight bucks is cheap!) to watch stuff explode for two hours. Elysium will be the best one of the bunch this year. It's just like the apartheid District 9 except instead of going from society to the slums, Matt Damon is going from the slums to derail society.
With the 12th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select D.J. Hayden, CB from Houston. Cue up the Dave Grohl, there goes Rick Smith's hero.
With the 13th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Jets select Sheldon Richardson, defensive tackle from Missouri and Alabama lineman destroyer.
With the 14th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select Star Lotulelei, DT from Utah. Was hoping he would fall farther so it would put the thought in Smith's mind to trade up for him. I texted my friend, who's a Panthers fan, to see what he thinks of the pick.
"I know, I'm excited, as long as his heart doesn't explode."
His heart should be okay and the Panthers are making it rain in their draft room now. Luke Kuechly will have 200 tackles playing behind him as he and Star will become Carolina's new Dan Morgan and Kris Jenkins.
With the 15th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the New Orleans Saints select Kenny Vaccaro, safety from Texas. Anybody the Saints draft will automatically improve their defense. If Vaccaro does bring it in the NFL, he will join the Wiz Khalifa All-Stars, athletes who have their entire body covered in tattoos. The current team fields J.R Smith, Colin Kaepernick, Josh Hamilton, Chris Andersen, Aaron Hernandez, Monta Ellis, and Rey Mysterio.
Buffalo is definitely going QB. It will be either Smith or Nassib and whichever one is left out will skydive down the board. Whoever they pick has to be excited to be mentored behind Super Bowl aspiring QB Kevin Kolb and Tavaris Jackson. Seeing those two as the only QBs on the roster is like walking into the sauna at the gym and seeing two Jabba the Hut naked, moist, wrinkled old guys sitting, doing sit-ups and/or jumping jacks.
9:04 - With the 16th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Bills select E.J. Manuel, QB from Florida State. "WE GON DA SHOCK THE WORLD." I understand they needed a QB, but why not improve elsewhere and use a second round pick to take him here? The QBs are not going anywhere, and they used this pick to take another Christian Ponder experiment. This pick was brought to you by a Tim Kurkjian-esuqe stat, as Chris Berman reaches for a parallelism, "Last time Buffalo took a player from Virginia Beach in the first round it was Bruce Smith, Hall of Fame DE. Are they getting another Hall of Famer from Virginia Beach in E.J. Manuel? I don't know. We will have to wait and find out." Thank you, Chris.
9:10 - Geno Smith does not look happyand, now, the only thing that can cheer him up are some sexts sent via SnapChat. Everyone still left in the Green Room now knows how it feels to be the fat kid that nobody will slow dance with at the Middle School dance. Whenever Smith/Nassib/Matt Barkley gets drafted, get ready for the endless, "How is your draft day experience going to fuel your career?" stories. The NFL Draft spanning three days has exponentially upped the awkwardness level for invitees.
9:15 - With the 17th pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers select Jarvis Jones, outside linebacker from Georgia. Just what they need, another huge OLB to knock QBs heads off. LaMarr Woodley and Jones on the outside is a Murderer's Row.
TRADE! The Dallas Cowboys send the 18th pick to the San Francisco 49ers for #31 and #74 (third round pick). The 49ers take Eric Reid, S from LSU, to replace Dashon Goldson. Everyone knew they would be taking a safety here, but most thought they would trade up earlier to take Vaccaro.
Did you know Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o still is on the board? Right now, I think Berman and a couple of people in Hawaii are the only people on the planet who care when he is drafted.
9:18 - That Dairy Queen commercial is making me second guess my salmon patty dinner. If KFC can make boneless chicken, you would think fish companies could make sure there are no spines in a can of processed salmon.
With the 20th pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Chicago Bears select Kyle Long, OG from Oregon. The Bears pass up the best tight end in the draft, Tyler Eifert, for Kyle Long, a 25-year-old guard, who Gruden says is a project. If they had even a decent TE, the Sunday Night game between Chicago and Houston would have played out differently.
With the 21st pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select Tyler Eifert, TE from Notre Dame. Cincinnati has created a nasty combination with him and Jermaine Gresham that will rival only New England's Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez. We may live in a world where the Browns and Bengals could be the two best teams in the AFC North this upcoming season.
9:40 - TRADE! The Rams trade #22 to the Atlanta Falcons for picks 30, 92 (third round), and 198 (sixth round).
The Falcons take Desmond Trufant to replace Pay Me Rick. Did you know if Dunta Robinson did not pull that tomfoolery there is a chance he would have re-signed with Houston and cause us to miss out on the Johnathan Joseph and Kareem Jackson duo? Thank you again, Dunta.
9:46 - With the 23rd pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Sharrif Floyd, DT from Florida. Went from a possible second overall pick down to #23. Like Kuechly, Chad Greenway is going to have 150 tackles next year playing behind his new DT.
10:04 - Let's recap and fast forward to Houston's pick. The Indianapolis Colts take the German DE from Florida State, Bjoern Werner, with pick #24. At #25, another Florida State player, CB Xavier Rhodes, is taken by Minnesota. Finally, at #26, the Green Bay Packers take Datone Jones, DE from UCLA. Gruden likes him, and Brett has been raving about him the past couple of months, so I am sure he tears it up in Wisconsin.
There are numerous ways Houston can go with this pick. I won't even bother with a prediction at all.
10:06 - I am just hoping Smith stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.
Andre Johnson, along with all of Houston, is crying in his bathtub with joy, like the guy from The Truman Show. I really don't know much about him other than he can catch a lot of one-handed passes, his stats have improved every year he played at Clemson, and his 191 yard performance he had against LSU in the Chic-Fil-A Bowl on New Year's Eve. He joins the elite VIP club of David Carr, Johnson, and Duane Brown as the only offensive players taken in the first round. Let's all hope he doesn't poop on Houston. like what allegedly occurred in that hotel room in Indianapolis, and becomes the best WR2 Houston has had since Corey Bradford.
10:14 - Did you know Geno Smith and Manti Te'o still have yet to be chosen?
10:18 - The John Clayton Slayer commercial never gets old. Speaking of Slayer, this is a video everyone has to see.
Slayer Goes To Church (via bartvideofiles)
10:20 - TRADE! The New England Patriots trade #29 for Minnesota's 52nd (second), 83rd (third), 102nd (fourth), and 229th (seventh) picks
With that 29th pick, the Vikings select Cordarrelle Patterson, WR from Tennessee. Minnesota trades an entire draft worth of picks for a guy who has one year of college ball under his belt and wears his braids like Princess Leia. I have not seen a draft with three first round picks since I played Madden 2005 a month ago.
10:25 - Bill Belichick ruins everything. The NFL had a moment planned to honor New England's pick with a Boston Strong jersey given to them from ex-Patriot Joe Andruzzi, who saved someone at the Marathon, only to have Bill trade back and ruin a sweet moment someone worked hard to make happen. Way to go, Bill.
10:45 - The first round concludes with Geno Smith storming out, St. Louis taking Alec Ogletree, inside LB from Georgia with pick 30, Jerry Jones outsmarting himself by taking a center from Wisconsin, Travis Frederick, at 31, and finally, in an epic conclusion, the Baltimore Ravens end the first round by taking Matt Elam, a safety from Florida to replace new Texan Ed Reed.
Some trends for the first round of the NFL Draft: The first six picks were OTs or DEs, and nine offensive linemen and nine defensive linemen were drafted. It was a completely symmetrical draft in this aspect. I should have continued playing football out of high school, instead of going to State, after seeing the demand for OTs. If only I knew I would flourish into a 6-foot-6-inch behemoth.
Fourteen offensive players were chosen compared to 18 on defense, and the only position, not including a kicker or punter, without a selection was running back. This draft will be characterized teams passing on risky skill players to invest in safe players from the trenches. New England's trade was a classic case of supply and demand, as the Pats reaped the benefits of a team trying to trade up, unlike the lesser hauls by those teams trying to trade down. In a month, the intricacies of the 2013 NFL Draft will be forgotten, but this will last forever.