The Tebow Petition: We The People Want Him In Jacksonville

"And then I said, 'Tebow?!' What a bunch of mularkey." - Patrick Smith

President Obama promised us change we could believe in. Houston Texans fans should all hope that includes changing his mind on the decision to kill the Tebow petition on the White House website. We get to play the Jaguars twice a year, remember?

At this point, diehard football fans that care nothing about politics are more likely than any community organizer to have heard about the existence of the White House's "We the People" petition page. The story has been beaten to death since Monday, when reports first emerged describing how a group of Jacksonville Jaguars fans-cum-Tim Tebow disciples had been blocked from exercising their First Amendment rights. Apparently, lobbying for an official act of presidential persuasion in convincing Jaguars general manager David Caldwell to sign, and start, Skip Bayless' second favorite castoff QB is more controversial than trying to build a mosque across the street from Ground Zero. We can joke about it, but we the people are not allowed to petition for it, at least not on www.whitehouse.gov. We the people have been silenced due to an undisclosed violation of the Terms of Participation.

Go ahead, click here; see for yourself. The only vestige of what that link once presented is the header at the top of the browser: "Call NFL Jacksonville Jaguars GM David Caldwell and tell him to stop ignoring the Jaguars fans and sign Tim Tebow!" The link is as dead as the liberty that used to make this country great.

Ask Mike Wallace what he just learned about the concept of delete buttons in the age of online opinion stating. Erasing proclamations made on the Internet is sort of like getting a divorce: you can claim to be single again, but you can never say your marriage didn't happen, because the Facebook pictures that prove it will live on forever. There are no annulments on the Internet, as the good folks at Shutdown Corner proved:

Jacksonville Jaguars fans want the team to sign recently released QB Tim Tebow. However, rookie general manager for the Jacksonville Jaguars David Caldwell is blocking this from happening. If the Jaguars sign & START Tebow, home games will be sold out, sales will spike, the team will win and the fans will be happy.Mr. Caldwell is ignoring lots of facts about the misunderstood Tim Tebow while in Denver: Passer rating of 125.6 is highest ever in Broncos postseason history. Most yards per completion (31.6) in NFL playoff history.100.5 QB rating is best ever for a Broncos QB in his first start.Third most passing yards in a game by a Bronco rookie QB. (308, in his 2nd start), First 15+ point comeback in the final 3 minutes of an NFL game since the merger, 7 game winning drives in just 16 games!

I will not even dignify with a response the ridiculous arguments made by whoever drafted the Tebow petition, as the words "sample size" clearly mean nothing to this superfan. Not even an épique brûlure from the French-speaking corner of America's Hat can deter his zeal:

Nor can the taunts from the starting quarterback of the Omaha Beef, a team currently sitting in sole possession of second place in the Champions Professional Indoor Football League. The Beef's front office offered Tebow a contract the day after he was cut by the Jets late last month, to which the legendary James McNear had only one response: "I think Tim can learn a lot from me."

McNear then went out and got himself named CPIFL Offensive Player of the Week, after leading his team to a 68-13 win over the MidMissouri Outlaws.

*****

We joke, but as fans of a team in the same division as Jacksonville, we should all be supporting the Tebow Superfan's campaign with all our hearts. It used to be that a petition needed to garner 25,000 signatures within 30 days to generate an automatic response from someone in the administration, but as of January 15 of this year, the bar was raised to 100,000. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. All it would take is 33,333 voters in both Houston and Nashville, as well as 33,334 in Indianapolis to hit the threshold. Obama knows this. And so the Commander-in-Chief authorized a targeted strike against that link, had his henchmen wrap its dead URL in a shroud of white cloth, and bury it at sea.

If only there were more brave Americans out there like Orlando-based attorney John Morgan.

Morgan & Morgan: It's Tebow Time in Jacksonville (via mmforthepeople)

*****

I called the White House switchboard (202-456-1414) on Wednesday to try and get a response out of someone. A woman with an all-business tone answered. What, I asked her, was in the Terms of Participation that justified such a wanton act of aggression on the part of the U.S. government? An honest question, to which she declined to give an honest answer.

"I can give you an email address to use," she said.

"Yeah, but I just want to ask a real person really quick," I said. "It will only take one minute, maybe less."

Reluctantly, she said she would "see if there's someone I can patch you through to," and put me on hold.

Less than ten seconds later, she was back. "As I said previously," she said, sounding like so many of the D.C. chicks I know, "I can give you an email address to use. We, the people, at white house, dot gov."

And that was the end of that.

That woman is lucky I'm not a member of the White House press corps, because no one can hang up on you when you're on camera and facing someone in the flesh.

Jay Carney "The President Did Not Communicate With Jay-Z" Discussing Jay Z "Open Letter" Lyrics (via ChuckNorrisTheBadAzz)

No one is allowed to ask the president about Tebow in the most democratic way possible, but we can sit there and listen to this journalist ask his press secretary about the validity of the claims Jay-Z made in his "Open Letter."

"'I turned Havana into Atlanta,'" Politico reporter Donovan Slack said. "'Boy from the 'hood, I got White House clearance.

"'Obama said,' quote, 'chill, you're gonna get me impeached. You don't need this expletive anyway. Chill with me on the beach.'"

End quote.

Apparently questions like those aren't above the fray of what you can ask over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue way.

Happy Gilmore - Funny Scene (via sweetumz4525)

That s*** cray, Jay.

*****

So here is the state of our Union, as it currently stands:

1) No one can find any words that rhyme with "treasury."

2) Tebow Superfans are getting muzzled.

3) Smug White House switchboard operators are telling intrepid Battle Red Blog writers to email noonecares@oblivion.com when they call to ask about no. 2.

4) The Beltway press gaggle is too scared to ask about truly pressing matters.

To quote one of the president's favorite authors, "What is to be done?"

*****

Maybe it's the wrong course of action, but I'll tell you what I've done. I've gone through every single petition on "We the People," and created a highlight reel of some questionable candidates for flying under the radar of the Terms of Participation. Some of these are going to blow your mind.

Most Blatantly Racist Petition: Allow Americans to vote "Yes" or "No" on WHITE GENOCIDE!

Date Created: May 1, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 9: 537

Signatures Needed by May 31 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 99,463

Body of Petition:

Whites today are in the stage the Amerindians of Mexico were in shortly after the Spaniards arrived and began interbreeding with them.

In time, Whites will arrive at the stage those Amerindians are in today: nearly interbred out of existence and replaced by a mixed race.

We didn't vote for our countries to be flooded with non-whites!

We didn't vote to be forced by law to live with non-whites so that interbreeding will blend us out of existence!

The U.N. designates as genocide:

"Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part."

Those who are carrying out White Genocide say they're anti-racist. What they are is ANTI-WHITE!

ANTI-RACIST IS A CODE WORD FOR ANTI-WHITE!

Notes: Wow, this is the most racist thing I have ever read. The only thing that comes close is the other petition on "We the People" entitled "Teach public school children the truth: ANTI-RACIST IS A CODE WORD FOR ANTI-WHITE!" A close runner up is ""STOP GENOCIDE of WHITES! Invite Public to White House Screenings of "How Whites Took Over America"!" And let us not forget ""Let Heroines of "STOP White GeNOcide" address nation on "Anti-racist is a code word for anti-white"!" or "STOP WHITE GENOCIDE! Halt MASSIVE third world immigration and FORCED assimilation in White countries!"

Can't forget those.

But there's more: "Show "AntiRacist Hitler" at 2013 White House Conference on STOPPING WHITE GENOCIDE!" is a classic, as is the question all of us have always wondered, but have been too scared to ask: "Explain why Asia is for the Asians, Africa is for the Africans, but White countries are for EVERYBODY!"

So far, we're only 21 petitions deep, and a full third of them advocate for the president to go back to Africa.

*****

Petition Most Obviously Created by a Canadian: Join America and Australia to form Ameristralia

Date Created: April 24, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 9: 6,044

Signatures Needed by May 24 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 93,956

Body of Petition:

The United States and Australia have become best friends. They're ready to be one now.

Notes: I don't get this joke, but it's refreshing to see that there are still good-humored people in the world after that Illinois Nazi rant I just dealt with. I hate Illinois Nazis.

I Hate Illinois Nazis (via Gene Visco)

By the way, isn't advocating for incorporating Australia as the 51st state sort of threatening to China's geopolitical grand strategy? Isn't that grounds for removal from the site?

*****

Petition Most Obviously Created by a Spammer: We request the United States government will tofu curd official taste is sweet

Date Created: May 7, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 9: 2,106

Signatures Needed by June 6 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 97,894

Body of Petition:

We request the United States government will tofu curd official taste is sweet,namely the use of granulated sugar,brown sugar and other sweet condiments. The following will be left out. (WOBUXUEYINGYUHENDUONIANBIEMIANQIANGWOLE)

们请求美国政府将豆腐的官方味道定甜味,即加入糖或砂糖、糖等甜味食品味。既有咸党请愿,甜党能落后,大的甜党!纯净的甜味!咸党异端!

Notes: You have to at least give the creator of this petition credit for taking the time to plug the header and first few lines of body text into Google Translate. I took the time to plug in the rest. And like a scene out of a Nicolas Cage movie, I discovered that this portion of the text contained a secret message which promises to bring me wealth, power and fame, if only I can decipher its meaning. It reads:

"Both salty party petition, sweet party reign behind the great sweet party! Pure sweetness! The salty Party heresy!"

"The Salty Party Heresy." Look for it on DVD next summer.

*****

Petition That, On Second Thought, Is Even More Obviously Created by a Spammer: 我们请求美国政府取缔北京煎饼果子

Date Created: May 7, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 9: 1,571

Signatures Needed by June 6 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 98,429

Body of Petition:

长久以来,天津人们本着求同存异的原则,容忍某些北京个体户使用白面作为原材料制造所谓"煎饼果子"。正所谓"木秀于林,风必摧之",树欲静而风不止。一些商贩把我们的善良当成了懦弱,不单使用白面替代绿豆面,甚至丧心病狂地将榨菜、火腿肠甚至是生菜放置于煎饼夹层中,妄图喧宾夺主,视果篦于不顾。

虽然通过和平手段解决争端是我们的一贯立场,但是忘战必危,在事关核心利益的问题上,我们没有打不还手的雅兴。忍无可忍,无须再忍。

在此,我们希望美国政府在天津煎饼果子才是正统这一问题上,坚定立场,进行一场消灭北京煎饼果子的攻坚战。

-北门串党党座

Notes: Come on now, netizens. Work with me here. At least try. You're really going to make me run this one through Google Translate as well, aren't you?

Headline: "We ask the U.S. government to ban fruit pancake."

I'm not even kidding.

*****

Petition Title: Recognize the legacy and spirit of Fred Rogers, by declaring March 20th, his birthday a National Day of Service.

Date Created: May 3, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 7: 612

Signatures Needed by June 2 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 99,388

Body of Petition:

Fred McFeely Rogers, known to millions as their favorite neighbor, taught each of us the importance of being a good neighbor. A beloved childhood icon and Presidential Medal of Freedom winner, we believe that his message of respect and honesty should be honored within our own communities. We feel that the best way to honor his legacy is by declaring March 20, his birthday, a National Day of Service, and encouraging everyone to do something to improve their neighborhood. Mr. Rogers taught us that we could each do something, no matter who we are or what our circumstances in life may be.

Notes: Now I know that Mr. Rogers had a first name, at least. And that his last name actually was Rogers.

Also, I was signature no. 557 on this petition. It's actually a pretty good idea, don't you think? We could all stand to have a little more Freddie Rogers in us. And do not do the "twss" Internet lingo here. Stop it.

*****

Petition Title: base the classification of medical marijuana on science.

Date Created: April 24, 2013

Number of Signatures as of May 9: 803

Signatures Needed by May 24 to Compel a Response From the Administration: 99,197

Body of Petition:

Marijuana is currently classified as a dangerous, highly addictive, Schedule 1 substance. An objective, science-based evaluation of marijuana's dangers and risks, when used as a therapeutic agent is needed as well as to establish any therapeutic benefit it may have. We petition the executive branch to formally request that the Institute of Medicine of the National Academy of Sciences perform an objective assessment of which controlled substance schedule marijuana preparations most appropriately fit, based upon the danger, abuse and dependency risks of marijuana preparations when used as a therapeutic agent relative to other substances and medications used legally in the United States, and that the completed report be made public no later than January 1, 2015.

Notes: No comment. Except for the fact that there may be someone out there who would find it funny to buy an entire set of NFL team pipes just so that every Sunday, you could have a ritual of "smoking" the competition.

*****

Petition Title: Release the recipe for the Honey Ale home brewed at the White House.

Date Created: August 18, 2012

Number of Signatures Before Being Disabled: 12,240

Body of Petition:

Following in the footsteps of great men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin, Barack Obama has reportedly been enjoying the rewards of home brewed beer. Recent reports from news outlets like the Washington Post (August 15th, 2012) have stated that Obama has been drinking a White House home brew Honey Ale while on the campaign trail.

In keeping with the brewing traditions of the founding fathers, homebrewers across America call on the Obama Administration to release the recipe for the White House home brew so that it may be enjoyed by all.

"I think it's time for beer" -Franklin D. Roosevelt (March 12, 1933)

Notes:

Finally, a reasonable petition that I can openly support without fear of what potential future employers may think. After all, who is against beer? No one that I trust.

Did everyone know that they're making their own beer around the White House these days? There are three types at this point, but this petition was focused solely on forcing the release of the recipe for White House Honey Ale, the original. In fact, this was the first known beer ever brewed right on the property. And it uses honey drawn from the beehives Michelle had placed in the yard, too. Football fans, we're coming full circle now: the first batch of White House Honey Ale actually made its first public appearance at the Super Bowl party the Obamas hosted in 2011. The some 200 guests easily downed the nearly 100 12 oz. bottles produced for the occasion, the night Green Bay beat Pittsburgh. Apparently, the stuff is pretty damn good.

This was one of the rare petitions that actually drew a response from an administration official, and for all I know, the only one to do so despite not reaching the then 25,000-signature threshold. The response can be seen here. It includes a .pdf with the recipes to two White House home brews: White House Honey Porter is the other. I feel like bigfatdrunk is going to give up blogging permanently and focus all his free time on this when word reaches him.

The administration official who wrote the response, Sam Kass, does not come across as the kind of person who would use the word "absconded," seeing as the beer puns come at you right out of the gate: "Ale to the Chief: White House Beer Recipe," the headline proclaims. The first sentence of the first paragraph explains that with "public excitement about White House beer fermenting such a buzz, we decided we better hop right to it."

Inside the White House: Beer Brewing (via whitehouse)

By the way, Sam Kass, the "administration official" I'm quoting? He's a White House chef.

As if "We the People" could have less credibility in my mind.

Put the damn Tebow petition back up, Barry. Texans fans believe in him.

#FreeTebow #QuarterbackOfTheFuture #LaterGabbert #GiveMeLibertyOrGiveMeDeadLinks #GodBlessAmerica

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