Houston Texans News
Maybe Joe Mays Knows What #TTTQ Stands For.
Because over five months into my tenure at Battle Red Blog, I'm still trying to figure it out. Our newest inside linebacker spoke Wednesday on any concerns he had about joining a Houston Texans team one year after he removed a portion of its quarterback's ear:
"I wasn't worried about the players. It was more the fans. I read blogs and all that stuff. My wife does, too. She went on the Internet and see all that stuff about they wanted to kill me and all types of stuff. I was just laughing, but I think I was more worried about the fans and how they would respond to me coming here. Hopefully, it's a good one."
Or perhaps his wife could answer that question for me. Or perhaps "Ethan Matz "is his wife's Internet pseudonym.
That's one, two, three Texans ILBs I just listed whose 2012 seasons were ended early due to injury.
Some fun training camp pictures to scroll through from a Fanpost thrown up by ERRONEOUS007 on Wednesday.
I Really Found This Funnier Than It Probably Is.
Your Daily Dose of Swearinger
For anyone who is as enamored with Jungle Boi Swaggg as I, this sit-down interview with the mothership's Kara Cook is a must-read.
The opening question really sets the tone:
Cook: "D.J., I heard that your nickname is ‘Swagg' with two G's. I just want to do a little Swagg 101 so I can learn a little bit about swagg and get my swagg up."
To which D.J. replied:
Swearinger: "All right."
Tell Me More (via morris850)
It starts to get really sexual from here, quickly.
Cook: "Is ‘swagg' something you're born with, or can one acquire it over time?"
Swearinger: "Swagg is.. you sorta can get it over time depending on the people you hang around. But you gotta be born with a certain amount of swagg to develop swagg over time."
Cook: "So there is some hope for me here?"
Swearinger: "Yes, there's some hope for you. But you gotta have some swagg juice in your body. You gotta have a swagg seed."
[Author's note: Judging by the extremely small thumbnail photo beside the byline, Kara Cook appears to be an attractive young woman about D.J.'s age. You know Jungle Boi knows what he's saying here.]
Cook: "Ok, I might have some swagg juice. So, what does one with swagg typically wear?"
Swearinger: "It's really not what you wear, it's really your personality. To top your swagg off you gotta wear certain things, you gotta look good at certain times. You can't just be plain."
Cook: "Would you say my shoes have swagg?"
Swearinger: "Oh yeah. Your shoelaces definitely have swagg. I'm digging the frames, too."
Cook: "You like my shades? Awesome."
D.J., you are the man. #HUNTMODE!
Cook: "Ok, who are your swagg idols?"
Cook: "So I'm gonna give you some names and you have to tell me if they have swagg or not."
This is where the interviewer really creates the possibility of the rookie getting himself in trouble, because you know the names of several teammates are coming.
First up, Andre Johnson:
Swearinger: "Most definitely.'
Swearinger: "Yeah, he got some swagg. Yeah, Cush got swagg. But I haven't really seen a lot from Cush. He's got a little swagg. Minimal swagg."
Thaaat may not have been the smartest reply.
Crazy!! Brian Cushing Of NFL's Texans Head-butt Without Helmet Splits His Forehead Open! (via BigboyDownStairs I)
Unless D.J. was just trying to use reverse psychology to get Cush going. That seems a bit unnecessary. Cush is always going.
You just knew she was going to ask about Ben Jones, though. The guy is a living, breathing, University of Georgia white guy stereotype.
Swearinger: "Ben Jones? Ah, see. No swagg. See, I would notice swagg. I was like ‘Ben Jones?' I would know if you had it."
The best answer to any question I've heard asked this year.
And finally, Matt Schaub:
Swearinger: "Schauby got a little swag in him, yeah. He's got a little swag. But he got less swag, he got one ‘G' though."
If you're Schauby, you're more than stoked to get even the one. Because let's face it, when you factor in his foot speed, media presence and ongoing battle with androgenic alopecia, Schauby probably belongs in the Ben Jones category. The only unfortunate part about D.J. not awarding him with double-G honors is that it renders D.O.A. any effort to rechristen our QB "Schwaggy."
Swearinger: "Justin Bieber... I don't really know Justin Bieber like that. I guess he got a little swagg. He got a little pull."
Justin Bieber and Brian Cushing have equal amounts of swagg. Which is more than Ben Jones has.
Swearinger: "Yeah, coach got swagg. Most definitely. Coach got a lot of swagg."
Translation: "I would very much like to play football this year, Kara."
Around The NFL
You've Surely Seen This By Now.
But here it is again, the best picture to resurface in 2013.
Speaking Of Florida Gators Who Will Never Get Another Endorsement Deal For The Rest Of Their Lives...
Even non-football fans know your name now. This is typically a very bad thing to happen. In your case, it means millions of people now hate you.
Unless they've got a Confederate flag bumper sitcker. Then they probably love you.
Unless they're neo-Rebs/Roll Tide types who reside in the state of Alabama. Then they, too, hate you, but not for anything having to do with how you got your new nickname, "Hard ‘R' Cooper." That's the good news, I guess.
"Hard R Cooper." This is how you will be referred to among my group of friends from now on, and likely in other circles elsewhere in the country. Despite the gravity of Hard R's smartphone-era faux pas, there is someone else with Gainesville roots who is even more ashamed right now. His name is Clarence Davis:
Police: Florida maintenance man uses dying man's ATM card before calling 911
Published July 31, 2013
GAINESVILLE, Fla. - Police in Florida say a maintenance man used a man's ATM card before calling 911 after finding him dead or dying in a Gainesville apartment.
The Gainesville Sun reports police learned about the theft three weeks after J.W. White died on July 1. The man's brother called authorities after finding an ATM transaction on White's Bank of America account minutes before paramedics arrived at the apartment.
Police arrested 52-year-old Clarence Davis on Monday. He was jailed on $5,000 bail.
Video footage shows Davis checking the balance and making two withdrawals from White's account for $611.90. Davis told police he had permission to withdraw the money to pay rent and other bills for White.
Police say Davis admitted to using the money to restore the apartment to re-rent it.
But let's get back to Hard R.
First off, who is that annoying ass girl in the video making me have to turn the volume down, and why isn't she having to pay half the fine?
Secondly, how many people of the target description Hard R provided would have been eligible to engage in such a fight at a Kenny Chesney concert?
Thirdly, how bad does everyone here wish that D.J. Swearinger got to play against Hard R this year? Hashtag, HUNT, MODE. My goodness. The thought just gave me chills.
And finally, how much money is going into the Battle Red Blog pool for correctly guessing the date in which Hard R cuts off his ponytail?
I'm going with August 8, the day before Philadelphia's first preseason game. You never want to be on the bottom of an NFL pile when you're a known N-bomber, but you really want to avoid that situation when you've got a big ole wad of fine, smooth, Caucasian hair just waiting to be removed from your scalp.
The Texans do not play the Eagles this year, sadly. But the Redskins do, twice. And there just may be some free safeties out Washington way who would be delighted to take a scalp or two home with them from their matchups with a division rival.
That's what Swearinger would have done if he had been drafted by the Redskins, and I'm sure that's what his no. 1 swagg idol would have done if he were still with us today.