2013 Season Review: Houston Texans Season Awards

Photo not actually taken during 2013 season. - Thomas B. Shea

The Super Bowl is over and we can now sit back and look at the 2013 Houston Texans season before moving onto 2014. Matt Weston continues his season review with the second annual imaginary rewards show.

Here are the results of the 2012 Awards.

Man, 2013 was the worst right? Every Sunday (minus the first two) was like a colorless fog covered day perfectly fit for a stroll through the cemetery. Trees devoid of leaves, smiles solemn and straight, brows furrowed, petticoats, and other little horrors flooded a promising 2013, which quickly turned into a bloody mess. Compared to last year, this year's awards season was a much more harrowing task to take on. It will most likely read like an end of the year party for a 9 and Under soccer team that lost every game, had a goal differential of -190, but still received a trophy in the end. Because, hey, everyone can use some pizza and a plastic, gold spray painted trophy to wash and swallow down a miserably depressing season.  However, it must be written and read so we can move on to the 2014 season.

The Dundies (via Julius Stiggers)

Travis Johnson Worst Draft Pick of the Year: Sam Montgomery

When we go back and look at at this draft class, Sam Montgomery will be the tarred and feathered scapegoat because he was drafted before all the other dingle-berries who failed to even bring croutons to the 2013 potluck. When he was drafted, people were confused why Houston would use a high pick on a player described as lazy and aloof with a horrible get-off. After he was drafted, we Texans writers who do more than write hot takes took over the reigns. Brett discovered he was not a player who failed to come off the ball, but that LSU utilized a scheme which had him read the offensive lineman in front of him rather than reacting to the snap. I wrote about his high motor when he played against top teams and how Houston should enlist him in the Shaolin Temple, make him put some weight on and leave him at defensive end.

Then camp arrived. Sonic Sam came into practice overweight, out of shape and was placed on the Non-Football Injury List. Additionally, the Texans decided to move him from his natural defensive end position to outside linebacker before eventually moving him back to defensive end. Because of his chubbiness and his inability to learn how to play a new position, he stayed on the inactives list every game day until #420 gate came.

Sam Montgomery, Cierre Wood, and Willie Jefferson were cut for allegedly smoking marijuana in their hotel room before a Saturday night film session in Kansas City. Each passed drug tests afterwards. They most likely smoked the "fake stuff", which is hundreds of times worse for your mental health than the real stuff. Regardless of what they puffed and passed, they were each cut because they violated team rules, and the one thing you could not do under the Gary Kubiak regime is be unaccountable.

Today, Sam Montgomery is a member of the Raiders, Cierre Wood is joining forces again with Kubiak in Baltimore, and Willie Jefferson is so cold he's shivering in Buffalo. Since it is the Houston Texans we're talking about, I'm sure one of these players will make an impact somewhere else *cough, cough*, Chris Jones. In the meantime, Sam Montgomery will be another example of a Rick Smith mid-round pick who didn't work out and will be the martyr of a 2013 Texans draft class that appeared in 47 total games in 2013 (not including Chris Jones).

Jerry Jones Worst Off-Season Decision: Signing Ed Reed

If you have some time to kill today, read this post from the Battle Red Blog vault and scour through the horde of comments of those who believed Ed Reed's prescence would create some mystical Gungan deflector shield that would stop Tom Brady and Peyton Manning from torching the Texans secondary.  Despite the optimism, there were those of us who lambasted the decision to sign a hobbled, broken-hipped Ed Reed and the decision to let Glover Quin walk for $23.5 million. We all saw how everything unfolded after the champagne popped. Glover Quin had a good year in Detroit and Reed flailed his lifeless body into tackles, couldn't play centerfield and spurned the "Ed Reed Worst Play of the Game" on Battle Red Radio. After leading a campaign of ineptitude, he was cut after Week Seven and signed by the New York Jets, where he was promptly burned by Jacoby Jones for a 79 yard touchdown pass. As a result, Houston lived in a world where "Which Hole With Shiloh" Keo started at safety.

Even though the best ability we have to measure secondary players is through game charting, let's compare the basic box score numbers until we live in a world where this is a reality in the NFL.

Player Tackles Sacks Stuffs Forced Fumbles Interceptions Passes Deflected
Ed Reed 38 0 1 0 3 2
Glover Quin 57 2 2 1 3 9

It's worth mentioning Ed Reed posted ostrich eggs all over the field during his time with Houston; the only thing he did was make 16 measly tackles and bring comedic relief.

The Ed Reed signing did lead to Houston saving some money by drafting and playing D.J. Swearinger, who is a commendable player that will only continue to improve.  The only optimistic view of an Ed Reed led secondary was that his signing came on a 2-14 team rather than a 11-5 team that lost in the playoffs because of an inability to stop the deep ball. Regardless, the signing was still a wet, splotchy fart.

Hipster Jersey of the Year: Jeff Tarpinian

When I asked this question on the podcast a mere two weeks ago, I answered with Ed Reed. Can't you just see yourself going to a bar and seeing a Pabst holding, ironic facial hair sporting, jean short wearing knuckle head donning an Ed Reed jersey three to five years from now once his jersey frequents flea markets across Texas.

-P.S.: They are only $59.99 on NFL.com.

However, since then my opinion has been swayed after meditating on this subject under the influence of shower beers and bathing underneath the spray of lobster boiling water. My vote goes to the one and only Jeff Tarpinian because next year there's going to be a new Star Wars movie and Tarpinian just sounds like the name of a planet located in the Telos system (Let's go ahead and check "Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic" off my list of references), his amazing ability to arm tackle is a perfect symbol of the 2013 defense, he's the ultimate "Where the Hell Did This Guy Come From?" that every piss-poor team ends up starting due to injuries, and you can't even find a Tarpinian Texans jersey to buy. Hipsters love to find things nobody else has or does, and this is a perfect opportunity to show off one's individuality.

Unfortunate Event of the Year: Matt Schaub

The obvious choice here is the Kubiak stroke where the head coach fell over in pain and was escorted to the hospital at halftime during the Texans romping of the Colts that quickly went belly-up. Even though a near death experience is more unfortunate than something trivial like football, I'm making this choice based purely on football reasons.

Some of us here on the site were worried about Matt Schaub this season and believed Houston was foolish for not drafting a quarterback before a situation like this could occur. I was on the wrong side of the moat and thought Schaub was still a very good, not great, player who would lead Houston to a playoff berth in a weak division where they would end up losing to the Patriots in the AFC title game. I even thought Matt Schaub turned sour last year like nine week old milk because he was injured, rather than his play quickly deteriorating due to his age. However, the truth was the last four weeks of 2012 was the version of Matt Schaub we'd ride into 2013.

The arm strength and the ability to throw to the sideline with any type of muster went poof and dissapeared. His roll-out ability went from a run to a drag behind a tennis ball laden walker. As a result, the offense became trapped in a fifteen yard box and defenses feasted on simple route trees on third down after bottling up the Arian Fosterless run game. This all culminated against the Rams when Matt Schaub was trapped in the pocket and got his foot snarled in a bear trap set by Chris Long. He lay crumpled on the turf and was slathered in the demonic cackling of boos and jeers after a couple hundred frustrated fans reached their boiling point. It was a tumultuous end for the greatest quarterback in the history of the franchise.

Afterwards, the media spun this into "Texans Fans are teh Worst" and article after article was penned by candlelight when journalists leeched onto a story that wrote itself. I don't live in Houston and have only attended one Texans game, but I'm sure the fans there are no worse than any other and this type of thing occurs across sports. Even if you still side with the mantra that Texans fans got what they deserved, at least we didn't rain popcorn down on Navorro Bowman after he tore his ACL and MCL.

Jacoby Jones Award: Glover Quin

For those who don't remember last year's article (which I'm sure is the case for 99% of you), this award goes to the player with the best season after moving on from the Texans in the off-season.

If this was the Academy Awards this would be a short, sweet, and simple speech like when a movie wins Best Director, Best Screen Play, and Best Picture and the winners have nothing left to say other than spew thank-yous for those who haven't been recognized yet.

...And the Jacoby Jones Award goes too.... /shredding of an envelope.... GLOVER QUIN!

Glover Quin: "Wow, what an achievement, I really am speechless. Man, I don't even know what to say. Ugh, er, um, I guess I want to thank Rick Smith for choosing to give Ed Reed three years and fifteen million rather than even offering me a deal. I could not have done this without him and the Houston Texans."

/drops the mic

Matt Weston's Worst Prediction of the Year: Matt Schaub is Still Good at Football.

We all make terrible predictions and unlike most people, I try to admit when I'm wrong and own up to my mistakes. When you watch, write and analyze, the end game is to make an assumption based off everything you learn doing the process. We will revisit a prediction I mentioned earlier about how I believed Matt Schaub was part of the secret injury club with Brooks Reed, Shaun Cody, and Johnathan Joseph rather than him, to put it blunty, not being good no more. I concluded the article with the following:

The Matt Schaub we saw at the end of the season was a counterfeit, unhealthy, injured version of the player we saw in 2011 and at the beginning of 2012.

I may very well be wrong and slanderous, yet I believe that my hypothesis is correct. If Matt Schaub played like he did last season because of the age curve, the Houston Texans are _______. I am sure you can fill in the blank with your imagination.

I was wrong. Matt Schaub wasn't injured. He just lost his mojo at the end of 2012 and turned into Jake Delhomme before our eyes.

#Hashtag of the Year: #PeeAndPoopTheBedForTed

This year we were bemused with a couple of unique and equally hilarious Twitterings. Chris from Houston Diehards brought us #AhmanReed, and I equally enjoyed the ride of #KEEEEEENUUUUUUUM and #420Gate. However, Peeing and Pooping the Bed for Ted gets the nod because it helped ease the pain of losing and gave us hope Teddy Bridgewater would be the light at the end of our Sensabaugh Tunnel.

Podcast of the Year: Battle Red Radio

First off, I want to thank everyone to listening to us this season, and I greatly appreciate you for doing so. I remember the first episode we did this season. I went out for a run, came home, and sat in front of the computer with my nerves leaping like lean-legged grasshoppers. Then when the show began, the nerves turned me from a confident young man into a hormonic teenager shaking and spilling his guts onto the floor. Since then, the show has come a long way; the analysis is better, the jokes are cruder, my voice is sweeter with words enunciated sharply, and Blog Talk Radio has increased their voice quality as well. Thanks for being patient and listening as we have gone from having no idea what we're doing to having some idea what we're doing.

Most shows were Chris, BFD, and I, but I also want to thank Corzo, Rivers, and TehGrindCrusher for making appearances as well throughout the season to help make sure we could deliver an episode a week. We will still have shows throughout the offseason as we progress through the calendar (P.S. Brett and I will be doing a post-combine show on Tuesday) and I have some other plans up my sleeve as we get closer to the season. So be on the lookout for those.

Song of the Year: The Matt Schaub Bop

On August 9th when I heard, "Blaine Gabbert, I want to know why we should draft you," and his response of, "Because if you don't draft me, I'm going to have to beat you for the next fifteen years," I was hooked and I knew what I needed to do.

It was a travesty for Blaine to have a song written about him with an accompanying highlight video and a sweet nickname while Matt Schaub's coolness factor was his shake weight celebration. So my brother and I got to writing, and we came up with the Matt Schaub Bop in an effort to cure some sweet summertime boredom. The goal was to have it done and ready to go by the time the season started, but procrastination led to my brother recording it late and my inability to create a highlight video relegated it to a fun creative endeavor. However, once I received the chance to run the podcast, I had to shed some light on it and use it as the Battle Red Radio intro song. Now even if your ears were soothed by it before the start of the podcast, you still have not heard the entirety of it. So here it is for the first time, marketed in all its glory as a send off for the greatest quarterback in franchise history.

Editor's Note: The YouTube video couldn't be posted on this page because Matt has too much media going on. So play the video in another tab and enjoy it as you read the rest of the article.

Click Here.

Beard of the Year: Tie

In 2013 Ed Reed, Matt Schaub, Jared Crick and myself all grew/had horrific beards. Now, I don't want to use biased judgment in this case so I'm going to ask you, loyal reader, "Who wore it best?"

Beard_off_medium

Ryan Dunsmore Photoshop of the Year: Wade Phillips as Coach Klein

I'm sure most of you know of Dunsmore's skills and his ability as a photoshop maestro. Throughout the season, we awoke to some swell infographics he pieced together. Out of all of them, this one is my favorite and it perfectly captures Wade's second fiddle status as a coach and his difficulties as a NFL head coach.

Wade_coach_klein_medium

Depressing Stat of the Year

If the Texans win on kickoff weekend in September of 2014, it will be 357 days since the team from Houston won a game. Yeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh, just let that sink in for a second.

The Hot Take Storyline of the Offseason: The Media Driven #1 Pick Controversy

I am sure most of you feel the same way I do about the number one pick and no, I'm not talking about the actual draft. I'm talking about every article that arrives on the internet about who the Texans are going to take at #1 even though most of these experts probably watched one, maybe two, Houston games all season. I have seen articles that use reasonings like:

New head coach Bill O'Brien has always succeeded with quarterbacks with some size. Check. His Penn State team got torched by Bortles this season. Check.

This is like saying adults across the country are just salivating for their friends to break up with their girlfriends or leave their husbands so they can quickly pick them up and dive into a long-term relationship. It's also under the same mantra as "Houston will hire Kevin Sumlin to be the head coach because he coached Case Keenum at the University of Houston." Both of these are idiotic reasons to make decisions.

"Since there isn't a no-brainer with that No. 1 overall pick, that leaves a no-brainer with the No. 1 overall pick: Johnny Manziel."

Get ready for "Manziel or bust" all offseason long. Like Keenum, this is a case of Player X is from Texas so the Texans have to draft him. This by no means is a legitimate reason to make a decision and if this was how the world operated than all of these people would be mayors, congressmen, and CEOs.

Worst_people_medium

via Mandatory

Ahhhhh, we can all smell 2006 in the air again.

1. Houston Texans -- Central Florida QB Blake Bortles: I know there will be a push for Johnny Manziel, but Bill O'Brien seems to be a pocket­ passer guy.

This one is silly because Bridgewater is more of a pocket passer than Bortles is and nobody has any real idea as to what O'Brien likes as a passer. He has been a head coach for two, count them slowly 1...........2...... seasons. From what we have gathered, O'Brien likes quarterbacks who are highly intelligent and competitive. Nobody knows if any of these guys are until they sit down and interview them.

These are just a few examples of the nonsense that's been published and will continued to be created, so my goal until the draft will be to ignore as much of this fodder as I possibly can. If you want some real draft insight, read anything Matt Waldman writes or watch the film yourself and let your own opinion cultivate in that pink mush.

If you can't, then get ready to be driven mad by videos like this.

Who Should Texans Select With #1 Pick? (via ESPN1stTake)

Joe Theismann Injury of the Year: Brian Cushing

In Week Seven against Kansas City  Brian Cushing was an animal. He helped stop Jamaal Charles from making big plays in the run game and used his ability as a pass rusher to consistently bring pressure to Alex Smith. The Chiefs running backs failed to stop Cushing when they blocked him head up; every time they tried to do so, he ripped around them, hit Smith or batted his passes at the line. In the third quarter, they had enough of his hellraising and made a simple adjustment: Cut Cushing down next time he blitzes (click here if you want to read my full breakdown of it).

On 2nd and 7, Houston sent Cushing to pressure Smith in an effort to keep the Chiefs out of the end zone on another red zone possession. When Cushing blitzed, he came at the quarterback at full speed and Charles lurched at his legs. Since Cushing was sprinting at top speed, he was unable to cut and get out of the way. When Charles made contact, Cushing's leg got caught underneath Charles's stomach, leading to Cushing breaking his leg and tearing his LCL. It was ghastly to see one of the best inside linebackers in the game lose his entire season for the second year in a row. Additionally, he now has "injury prone" stuck to his breast like a scarlet "A" even though his situation is more like a cautious driver getting hit by a drunk two years in a row.

Madden 2005 Hit Stick of the Year: Kareem Jackson

It's safe to say Kareem Jackson did not have his best season. He was flagged early and often in the season for ridiculous penalties like the 28 yards of pass interference he accumulated against Baltimore and the unnecessary roughness suplex that put Seattle in game-winning field goal position because the refs thought the tackle was too mean, despite the fact they never blew the play dead. These penalties threw Jackson off his groove and removed him from his physical playing style.

He's the type of player that is playing in the wrong era of the NFL and would have flourished in the early 2000s when hard hits and punishing receivers were the norm. Now that we have no idea what pass interference, defensive holding, or helmet-to-helmet hits are (these plays need to be challengeable already), it makes it nearly impossible for physical players like Jackson to find any type of rhythm in their game.

Officiating aside, Jackson is one of the best corners in the league when it comes to tackling and stopping the run. If he can somehow learn how to turn and look for the ball in the air, he will finally become a complete player. Against Kansas City, Jackson showed off his tackling ability when he unleashed a Madden 2005esque hit stick on Dexter McCluster. This hit is tremendous. He runs around the tackle, who went to block the first guy he sees, and then explodes up into McCluster. He comes at him with such ferocity that McCluster is left standing for a second wondering, "What just destroyed my world?" and then tumbles over like a hour long constructed Jenga tower.  I have no idea how he was not flagged for this play, but regardless, it was the most vicious hit we saw a player with a bull on his helmet make in 2013.

Texanshit

via cdn0.sbnation.com

Play of the Year: T.J. Yates Pick Six

After losing to the 49ers and Matt Schaub's nonsensical fourth consecutive pick-six in a row, Texans fans were beginning to grow tired of the constipated offense as they saw a promising season rapidly fade away. Entering this game, Texans fans were beginning to echo their resentment of Schaub and rumble about how they wanted to see T.J. Yates or Case Keenum at quarterback. In hindsight, this was as silly then as it is now. After Matt Schaub went down with a leg injury against the Rams, these rumblings evolved into reality.

So with the score 31-6, T.J. Yates dinked his way into the Rams red zone. On 4th and 3, he sat back in an empty set and threw the greatest pass of the season. Garrett Graham ran six yards before he broke off his route in front of the end zone with Yates's eyes staring deep into his soul. As soon as Graham made his break, Alec Ogletree read the quarterback's eyes, exploded in front of the ball and galloped down the field. This was the second and last time I joyously leaped into the air during the 2013 season. When Ogletree caught the pass, I stood up, wailed my right arm around like a third base coach sending the runner home and then giggled in hysteria over how horrendous this season had become. It flushed every "Yates should start" claim down the toilet and then took us down the Keenumania rabbit hole.

Yates

via cdn3.sbnation.com

Thank you, T.J, Yates for bringing some joy to this grim heart.


Stat of the Year: The Keenum

Case may not have brought a win to the Texans in 2013, but he did help create a brand new stat called The Keenum. The Keenum is just a sack that loses seven yards or more because he loved to turn his shoulders to try to run away from opposing defenders before being slammed into the turf eight yards in the backfield. More on this stat to come next week.

Folly of the Year: Randy Bullock's Attempted Game-Winning Field Goal

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

What I'm about to write is real life. I'm going to continue to write about it until I'm staring up at a field of daisies because something so beautiful, so perfect should never be lost from our consciousness. In Week Two against the Tennessee Titans, the Texans forced a three and out and recovered the ball back at their own 22 yard line with the score tied 24-24 and :57 seconds left. Matt Schaub led the Texans into field goal range after completing a 32 yard pass to Keshawn Martin and a 12 yard pass to Owen Daniels. With the ball at the Titans' 34 yard line, the Texans ran a give up draw play to Arian Foster and called a timeout with five seconds remaining. Then the fat man, Randy Bullock, came onto the field with a look of terror on his face like he had just walked into his parents wrestling naked to the howls of Bon Jovi.

Bullock_kick__1_medium

At this moment, Bullock had previously missed two fifty yard field goals and was lining up to kick one from fifty-one yards out to keep the Texans undefeated. Then the following happened, and there's no way anyone could make up something so incredible.

-Kick #1: Bullock makes the 51 yard field goal right down the pipe, but wait a second...the Titans called a timeout before he slammed his chubby foot into the ball and he's forced to kick again.


-Kick #2: IT"S BLOCKED, but wait a second...there's a yellow flag on the field and after seeing the replay we realize the gunner, Michael Griffin, jumped offside. Fat Randy gets to try again with five yards chewed off from the 51. Bob agrees.

Bob_agrees_medium

-Kick #3: Randy Bullock pulls the 46 yard field goal wide left like a demonic bat fluttering out of a cave, but wait a second...Mike Munchak calls another timeout after saving all three of his for this very moment. Munchak once sympathized with Victor Frankenstein when he read the romantic novels he loved so dearly, but now he can empathize with him as he wonders in horror over how he could possibly create a monster so vile.

Munchack_ugggghhhh_medium

Hey Gary, I think we should call Tony Siragusa because it looks like Randy just pooped himself.

Randy_pooped_himself_medium

Kick #4- The ball flutters into the air like a balloon slipping out of the hand of a sticky fingered child. The child sits looking on in amazement at something that was once physically in his hand turns into a blip lost in the nothingness of a robin egg blue sky. Slowly the ball squirms through the air

Randy_fg_iv-1_medium

And at first everyone was like:

It_s_good__medium

Then they were like:

Missed_fg_medium

Then_they_were_like_medium

after the leather oval slammed into the post and the game was sent into overtime. As I said before, nothing this beautiful should ever leave our consciousness.

Game of the Year: Week 7 vs. Kansas City

This one is a dead heat with Week Two against the Tennessee Titans, but I'm giving the KC game the nod simply because of where I was in my life when this game occurred. After losing to the Rams, I gave up on the playoffs and this entire season.

At 2-4, the division race is quite possibly over, the wild card is more than unlikely, and the rest of the season will be spent by Gary Kubiak trying to climb out of the two foot deep puddle he's drowning in. It was a fitting death for August's high expectations.

After two weeks of puking, grabbing a fork and knife to eat the puke again, and then puking the puke back up, I was ready to just see something fun, something exciting, something that made me not question why I kept gluing my buttocks to the couch. As soon as Keenum launched a glorious deep ball down the sideline to DeAndre Hopkins I was glued back into Texans football again. We finally witnessed what Keenum could do (throw the ball deep and short), saw a close game against one of the best teams in the league, only to watch it fall apart due to protection issues. Speaking of symbols, this game started the slew of injuries, the eight game one-possession loss streak, and the polarization of Case Keenum.

Even though Houston lost, at least it brought fun Texans football for three weeks until the honeymoon ended against the Raiders.

Special Teams Player of the Year: R.I.P. Marciano

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! The witch is finally dead. Joe Marciano has been vanquished from the land and is never allowed to return to Reliant again. I could give the award to Shane Lechler for having a great year, but I think we should all cheer together that Marciano will never receive another game ball.

Rookie of the Year: DeAndre Hopkins

When Dre II was drafted, we were all shocked, elated, and pumped to see another quality wide receiver play opposite of Andre Johnson. During Andre Johnson's career, he played with Jabar Gaffney, Eric Moulds, and Kevin Walter across from him, and all of them are part of the All-Meh team.  Rick Smith spent his time as the general manager covering up the problem by throwing the dirty towels underneath the bed and tried to solve it by shooting mid-round draft picks at the issue. Then he finally caved in by taking a wide receiver from Clemson who just finished off his college career by catching 13 passes for 191 yards and 2 touchdowns against LSU in the Chic-Fil-A ($) Bowl.

Would you like to play a game?

Catches Yards Yards per Catch TDs Long DYAR
Player A 52 802 15.4 2 66 137
Player B 66 976 14.8 4 46 164

Player A is the newest member of the Texans offense and Player B is the greatest player in franchise history. As unfair as it may be, if Hopkins cements himself as a #1 wide receiver, he's going to be compared to Andre Johnson for the rest of his career, so let's go ahead and begin the asinine comparisons now. Hopkins did not have a Keenan Allen type of year (it will be interesting to see who out of Tavon Austin, Keenan Allen, DeAndre Hopkins, and Cordarelle Patterson emerges as the best wide receiver of the 2013 draft class), but he played at a high level for a rookie player, especially for one who played for two quarterbacks who would not take their eyes off that dashing lad, Andre Johnson. Additionally, if you ever find yourself worried about Hopkins turning into a dominant wide receiver in this league, bust out the Game Rewind and watch the end of the first Titans game where he took control and leaped down the sideline over Titans cornerbacks to put the game away in overtime after Andre Johnson went out with a concussion. Even though this draft class has been a jar full of calluses thus far, at least we have Dre II to show for it.

Offensive Player of the Year: Andre Johnson

It never gets old watching Dre play and. No matter how lugubrious a season can turn, it's always, as BFD would put it, such a joy to watch him play. This year we saw him continue to produce and play at a high level even though he caught passes from two floating turds. At age 32, he caught 109 passes for 1,407 yards and 5 touchdowns. He is now starting to climb up the record books. Going into 2014, he is 17th in receiving yards (12,661) with the opportunity to jump to 11th and pass Torry Holt if he posts another 1,00 yard season, is 14th in receptions (927) and can move into 7th and pass Isaac Bruce if he catches 100 passes, and lastly, he's tied for 68th with 61 touchdown receptions.  Even though Dre had an incredible year, he could have played half the season and still won this award thanks to injuries and lackluster performances across the offense.

Defensive Player of the Year: J.J. Watt

Piggybacking on what I wrote about Dre, J.J. Watt is another player who made it worth opening your skull up, taking out your brain and sitting in front of the television. After having the greatest season in the history of defensive linemen, he may have regressed to the mean some in 2013. His numbers over the past three seasons are:

Year Tackles Sacks Stuffs Forced Fumbles Passes Deflected Blocked Kicks
2011 56 5.5 9 0 4 1
2012 81 20.5 23 4 16 0
2013 80 10.5 15 4 7 2
Total 217 36.5 47 8 27 3

The numbers aren't as extravagant as last season because he played on a lousy defense with a lackluster cast, fought through double teams, and narrowly missed sacks. Regardless of the regression, Watt may have actually been even better this season. Romeo Crennel's first course of action as the new defensive coordinator should be making sure he continues to place Watt in positions to succeed. Already at the age of 24, Watt is starting to bulldoze his way towards Canton as he fights for the 20 sacks, 20 tackles for a loss, 20 passes deflected club and other awards to fill up the empty space in his trophy case.

MVP: J.J. Watt

The denizen of the backfield can now add Battle Red Blog's MVP to his extensive resume, which includes: Defensive Player of the Year, two time Pro Bowler, Pro Bowl Captain, two time All-Pro First Team, Sack Leader, and second team All-American. He's the greatest. The only thing left to do is give him all of the money this offseason to make sure he stays a Texan for the next five years. Also stay tuned for a J.J. Watt film post as the season review continues to roll.

Matt Weston is also taking all name ideas for the imaginary awards in the future. If we have the Dundies, why can't we have the _____?

If you have any recommendations for other choices for the awards handed out or even other awards, leave them in the comments below because tomorrow I will be unveiling a reader's choice awards.

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