As SOLIS noted here, 8-8 is worlds better than 7-9. 8-4, which is what your Houston Texans accomplished after their 0-4 start, is even more impressive when you consider that the bagel they posted through the first quarter of the season eliminated them (for all practical purposes) from postseason contention. While you'd like to believe professional athletes would have enough pride in themselves to expend maximum effort regardless of the situation, that's not always the case. The Texans didn't roll over, and that's worth noting and applauding as we enter the offseason.

That's not to say that this team is ready for 2009, because it's not. There are several areas ripe for upgrades in the starting corps, most notably DE, DT, CB, and FS. And although the offense has all the makings of an elite unit, there's always room for improvement and depth. In that vein, this PGB will spit out my thoughts on yesterday's win over the Bears with an eye toward possible offseason moves. Position by position, and then we'll end with the coaches. Now:

1. QB--I'll accept the argument that Matt Schaub is still a work in progress, but I believe the position that The Schaub can't be the starting quarterback for a playoff team is untenable based on what we've seen. Yes, he turned the ball over too much this season, and that's a problem. But he also threw for more than 3,000 yards, 15 TD, and 276.6 yards per game in about two-thirds of a season (including his near flawless 328 yard, 2 TD, O INT effort yesterday). Those are big-time numbers. The kind of numbers that should leave us no doubt that Schaub should be starting in '09.

With regard to Sage Rosenfels, I'm still of the mind that he's a fine back-up despite the fact that he provided us with what I believe was the single most horrific moment in franchise history. He's no longer the attractive trade bait he once was, so I'd count on him being Schaub's No. 2 again in '09. I'd look for the Texans to make QB a very low priority this offseason, though I think a young QB could be drafted relatively high in 2010 for grooming purposes.

2. WR--Still the strongest area on the team, led by the best wide receiver in all of football. Another Sunday, another ten (10) catch day for Andre Johnson, who finishes 2008 as the league leader in both receptions and receiving yards. Quite simply, it doesn't get any better than 'Dre. Memo to Kubes and Kyle Shanahan: That fade to 'Dre in the end zone...why isn't that in the playbook every week? It can't be stopped.

Kevin Walter quietly had another very effective season as the No. 2, though there were a handful of games where his contributions didn't show up in the stat sheet. Although K-Dub only had one catch yesterday, it was huge; that drive could have very well ended in zero points and changed the entire complexion of the game without that reception. Apostrophe Davis wasn't the factor he was in 2007, but I think his emergence in '07 was primarily due to Andre Johnson missing almost half of the season. Apostrophe is an average No. 3; his value as a return man is what really makes him a key cog in the scheme.

Jacoby Jones has been and continues to be a complete non-factor at WR and a fumble waiting to happen as a punt returner. He put another one on the ground yesterday, and I don't know how Kubes can keep running him out there. His speed is undoubtedly electrifying, to the point that I wonder if there'd be any interest in him in the trade market. If I could get a fifth round pick or better for him, I'd do it in a second if I was Rick Smith. As I sit here today, I wouldn't bet on Jacoby being a Texan in 2009; I could absolutely see him struggling in the preseason and being one of the final cuts in late August. With the possible exception of Jacoby, I'd look for the status quo to remain at WR in '09.

3. TE--Owen Daniels finished with better numbers than he did a year ago, posting 70 receptions, 12.3 YPC, and showing little sign of the ball control issues he displayed at times in '07. OD is already one of the best tight ends in the league, and he's only getting better, as witnessed by that 33-yard scamper yesterday. You can count the number of TEs in the NFL who can routinely move the chains on a single play on one hand, and OD is one of them. Draft-wise, I don't know that it's even worth spending a late-round pick on someone to replace Joel Dreessen. Dreeseen's not going to be mistaken for Tony Gonzalez, but he's a cost-effective spot player when OD isn't on the field.

4. RB--1,282 rushing yards at 4.8 YPC. 50 catches for 377 yards. 10 TD. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe your Houston Texans have themselves a franchise running back. Yes, Smithiak needs to acquire a short-yardage bruiser to take some of those third-and-two carries away from Slaton, and I'm sure they'll do it. The question is whether that acquisition is made through the draft or via free agency. Personally, I'm guessing we could see a late-round pick burned on a big RB, though an undrafted rookie free agent taking the gig is another distinct possibility. The only thing I do know is that there's no way we're going to see Smithiak spend anything remotely resembling sizable coin on a RB.

What discussion of "sizable coin on a RB" would be complete with mentioning Ahman Green? As in, "Ahman Green won't be a Texan in '09." Ryan Moats has been intriguing in limited action (including but not limited to yesterday, when he filled in for Slaton while Slaton was in Kubes' doghouse for reasons unknown to us--was it that fumble, something else, etc.?), which may well result in an invitation to camp and the opportunity to return as a No. 3.

Something to ponder that Chris raised: Will Steve Slaton hold out? He's fresh off a monstrous season in which he proved to be invaluable to the Texans; the second year of a third-round rookie contract is no longer commensurate with his stature; and he plays a position that has perhaps the shortest shelf life in professional football. His leverage may never be greater than it is now. So what does he do? I have no idea; needless to say, it bears watching.

5. OL--Thank you, Alex Gibbs. You made an offensive line that was rather underrated last year into an undeniable strength this season. Chris Myers had the problems a smaller center is going to have with mammoth DTs, but he has to be considered one helluva return on a sixth round pick after his first year in H-Town. Chester Pitts may have had the best season of his career. Mike Brisiel proved to be a solid, inexpensive solution at RG (though I seem to remember him being a greater source of penalties than anyone else on the line throughout the season). Duane Brown had moments where he looked every bit like the rookie he is, but he showed enough flashes of promise that I have no idea why Ephraim Salaam took snaps away from him. In the final analysis, I'd have to say that I was most disappointed in the play of Eric Winston, who seemed to take a step backward from the tremendous performance he put forth in '07.

Schaub was sacked 23 times this season; Sage was sacked 9 times. With three (3) new starters on the OL, one of whom is a rookie protecting the QB's blind side, that's not too shabby. Add in Slaton's success on the ground, and there's little doubt that Alex Gibbs was manna from heaven.

I'd look for your Houston Texans to draft OL for depth, but it certainly does not qualify as a priority.

Wow...that ran long. Separate post on defense and special teams forthcoming tomorrow.

That was a ball, was it not? Not a pretty game aesthetically, but you won't see me even beginning to turn my nose up at the first four (4) game winning streak in franchise history. It could have been 2-0 and I'd still be ecstatic. Tons to talk about, so let's dive in:

1. I love that all it took for Andre Johnson to get some love from places outside H-Town was an 11 reception, 207 yard, 1 TD game. I'm not going to play the "no respect" card, yet it's laughable that 'Dre is the best WR in the league and 90% of NFL fans don't know it. All the guy does is make big play after big play on the field while keeping a ridiculously low profile off it. The only non-statistical headlines you ever see his name in are the ones you'd pray to see every player's name in. We should thank our lucky stars every day that we've got 'Dre. In a related story, Cortland Finnegan should thank his lucky stars every day that he only has to see Andre Johnson twice a year.

2. Although he made a few curious throws that appeared to be aimed at the dirt, I was incredibly impressed with Matt Schaub's performance yesterday. He was under a good amount of pressure all day and took some hard shots, yet he stood tall and made some huge throws. Some of those needles he threaded to 'Dre and Kevin Walter were simply ridiculous. His failure to feel pressure from Jevon Kearse and subsequent fumble aside, it was awesome to see him hang in there and move the ball against a great defense.

3. Speaking of Kearse...Eric Winston was used and abused all day. That said, I clearly remember one third down run by Steve Slaton that was essentially stopped a couple yards short of the marker until Winston single-handedly dragged Slaton to a first down. I actually jumped out of my chair and was ready to make Winston the player of the game on that play alone.

4. I thought the middle troika of Brisiel, Myers, and Pitts did yeoman work all afternoon long. They lost a few battles, but they were approximately ninety-seven (97) times better than they were in the first match-up with the Titans.

5. I remain puzzled as to why Ephraim Salaam continues to take snaps from Duane Brown. Brown ain't Orlando Pace (yet), but he's the future at LT, and he sure as heck looks better than Salaam, including but not limited to Salaam's sudden penchant for being penalized on what seems like every third snap.

6. Really, really surprised how quiet K-Dub and Owen Daniels were yesterday. I'm going to chalk that up to 'Dre imposing his will on the Titans and The Schaub exploiting that mismatch. Know this, though: We'll need big games from both of those guys on Sunday at Oakland, because Nnamdi Asomugha's going to be in 'Dre's hip pocket all day long.

7. Tell me another RB you'd rather have for the next three (3) years instead of Steve Slaton. If that list is more than five (5) players (maximum) long, I call shenanigans. I continue to be amazed with Slaton's toughness each week. He keeps his legs moving and seems to pick up tough yards you wouldn't expect from a back his size. And then he breaks one off, and there are no words to describe it, so I'm forced to make one up. And I'm going to do so right now. Scrumtrilescent.

8. It was said a couple of times in the second-half live game thread, but it bears repeating: Only one (1) player has rushed for 100 yards against the vaunted Tennessee defense all season, and said player did it both times he played 'em. Steve. Effing. Slaton.

9. Despite missing a chip shot, Kris Brown gets a free pass. He's banked more than enough capital to warrant that, and he did rebound to kick the FG that proved to be the difference.

10. It was negated by K. Brown's shank, but Apostrophe Davis had a big-time return in the third quarter to set that drive up, and he downed one of Turk's punts awfully close to the goal line. The best part about Apostrophe? Unlike Jacoby Jones, my heart doesn't drop into my stomach every time he touches the ball.

11. If you didn't watch the game, you might think that the Houston secondary had a very good day. And yes, Fred Bennett did pick Kerry Collins off, albeit on what was the equivalent of a punt by Collins; it was that bad of a throw. To my eye, the lack of success in the Titan passing game was far more about Collins' inaccuracy than the secondary's coverage. Collins was off all afternoon, and his receivers were dropping many of the balls he did put in their breadbaskets. Even on the much ballyhooed 4th and 3 play that clinched the game for the Texans (more on that in a bit), Justin McCareins had Jacques Reeves beat. The throw was juuuuuust out of McCareins' reach. Consequently, I do not see Tennessee's paltry passing stats as some sort of a breakthrough for our secondary. Kerry Collins had a greater responsibility for his team's struggles than Richard Smith's secondary did.

12. Speaking of Richard Smith...don't look now. It's happening. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

13. DelJuan Robinson was a freaking animal yesterday, getting in the backfield and making plays seemingly every time he was in there. By my count, it's now official: Every DT on the Houston roster should be playing before Travis Johnson. Yet none does. That in and of itself should be a fireable offense.

14. Two (2) season-ending injuries of note for the good guys: Both Xavier Adibi and Antwaun Molden are done for the year. The silver lining with Adibi is that we have a pretty good idea what we've got with him, and it's much better than Morlon Greenwood. I'm still bent we didn't see more of Molden at CB this season.

15. Welcome back to the land of the living, Amobi. That stop of LenDale White in the early fourth quarter was HUGE.

16. While I think DeMeco could have done better in mocking the White-Johnson tandem, the message is accurate. The Titan running game was a non-factor when it mattered the most, though we should thank the Tennessee coaches for not continuing to give the ball to Chris Johnson. Seemed like he was good for ten (10) yards every time he touched the ball, especially in the first half.

17. I miss Zac Diles, but Kevin Bentley has done a great job filling in for him. Bentley has shown a knack for making plays in the backfield that we didn't really see with Diles, though that may be entirely due to Richard Smith finally allowing his linebackers to cross the line of scrimmage.

18. Thank you, Jeff Fisher. Thank you for not using Bironas to try to win the game, even though he'd hit from 51 in the first half. Yeah, yeah...the wind. Whatever. You can't fool me. My Christmas gift to you is in the mail.

19. Not to spoil the surprise, Coach, but it's a Vince Young jersey.

20. Some of the quotes from various Titans after the game simultaneously baffled and enraged me. To wit:

"Slaton didn’t do anything," Titans outside linebacker Keith Bulluck said. "Slaton busted that run (34 yards) at the end of the game, and we pretty much had him in check. To tell you the truth, I don’t think their running game hurt us at all today."

"We know this team isn’t better than us," Titans tight end Bo Scaife said. "This team isn’t going to the playoffs, and we played down to their caliber today.’’

[LenDale White said] "This game means nothing anymore. We will not be playing this team anymore. It’s a big win for them as an organization I guess or supposedly. No matter what they do they’ll still go home on playoffs. We have a lot to look forward to."

[Cortland Finnegan, on his helmet-to-helmet cheapshot on The Schaub] "If I did I was just giving him a quick, you know - kiss, welcoming him back to Houston you know from the Oilers. So that is about all that is."

Why can't these guys just say the classy thing? Something to the effect of, "Give the Texans credit; they were the better team today." Why demean the accomplishment of your opponent? What good does that do? All it does is make Houston fans hate Bud Adams' troops even more than we already do.

21. Since we're on the subject of hate, you know I couldn't let a Texans-Titans game pass without checking in with my buddy Jay. As longtime readers will recall, Jay became a bit of a legend around here after his showdown with Bud Adams in Nashville last year. As expected, Jay had a few choice words for Albert Haynesworth when he went down with an injury that will keep him sidelined until at least the postseason. Haynesworth's run his mouth and been an absolutely classless piece of garbage to Matt Schaub and the Texans, so I don't think there were many Houston fans broken up to see him go down. As you'd figure, Jay was not in the "awwwww, I hope he's okay" camp. Quotes from the man who may hate the Titans more than anyone in the world:

"You're killing the grass, Albert! Get up!"

"I hope it's broken."

"Where's your contract now, Albert?"

Classy? Perhaps not. But if anyone deserved a dose of what he's dished out over the years, it's Haynesworth.

22. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Andre Johnson; Defense--DelJuan Robinson; Special Teams--Apostrophe Davis.

On to the Black Hole, and a shot at the first .500 plus record of the season!

 

Forgive my lack of verve this morning. I'm still trying to shake off last night's unpleasantness, right down to the fact that Michael Crabtree is a spitting image of Andre Johnson. I've decided that the only way to restore balance to my universe is for 'Dre to catch a game-winning TD today in Minnesota. Back on topic...here's this week's injury report. As you know, the players are accurate, though the ailments may not be.

HOUSTON
A. Davis--out (finger)
Z. Diles--questionable (hamstring)
A. Green--questionable, though he has 200,000 reasons to suit up today (thigh)
D. Barber--probable (hamstring)
K. Walter--probable (knee)

MINNESOTA
D. Herron--out (kolpophobia)
G. Mills--questionable (sphincter bleaching gone awry)
R. Edwards--probable (peladophobia)
S. Rice--probable (dry nipple)
M. Williams--probable (pupaphobia)

Looking at the list of the Bengals' walking wounded this morning, I began to wish that I'd started drafting this post last Wednesday. Coming up with fourteen (14) unique medical afflictions would cut into valuable pre-game screwing around time, and I'm not willing to do that on a day as beautiful today. So forgive me for mailing this one in:

HOUSTON
D. Barber--out (hamstring)
A. Davis--out (finger)
M. Williams--probable (shoulder)

CINCINNATI
A. Caldwell--out
R. Maui'a--out
C. Palmer--out
J. Fletcher--doubtful
C. Mays--doubtful
J. Simpson--doubtful
B. Utecht--doubtful
N. Lawrie--questionable
A. Chatman--probable
S. Graham--probable
K. Hebert--probable
T.J. Houshmandzadeh--probable
D. Jones--probable
F. Rucker--probable

The fourteen (14) aforementioned Bengals are all suffering, to varying degrees, from Cushing's Syndrome.

Sure looks like it. While that's likely not a huge blow to the passing game, this could be a monstrous loss for the return game. I've already broken out into cold sweats at the thought of Jacoby Jones' hands being the primary option on kick returns.

Final numbers from the victory over Detroit are here. I suppose I'd have to say that Sunday's win was better than the previous week's win, primarily because the offense looked simply unstoppable for a half against the Lions, while it was much more inconsistent throughout (cough...Schaub...cough) versus Miami. So that's a positive, I guess. On Sunday, after doing a reasonable impersonation of a pro-caliber defense in the first half (albeit one that had the fortune to face an offense led by Dan Orlovsky), Richard Smith's gang (especially the secondary) reverted to its typically awful ways in Half Two. What I want to know is this: When are we going to see a complete, thorough effort from your Houston Texans? Is it too much to ask? Is the defense even capable of providing that kind of performance? Why do I feel like these are rhetorical questions?

Lest I sound like I'm complaining too much, let me make clear that I'm ecstatic about a second win. Winning streaks for our beloved franchise are about as rare as quiet nights at home are for Pacman. I'm not turning my nose up at winning two in a row. The fact remains, however, that you're not going to beat many teams playing like the Texans did in the second half last Sunday. Good teams can afford the occasional lapse like that; struggling teams looking to put something together cannot. To the specifics:

1. I'm starting with the OL this week, and with good reason. Every week, I see the run-blocking improve. At this rate, the Texans are going to have a, dare I say, dominant running game by season's end. The pass-blocking was overwhelmingly good as well; the three (3) sacks surrendered looked to be more of the coverage variety than the smoked-off-the-snap vintage.

2. A bit confused as to the new Duane Brown-Ephraim Salaam rotation. It would have made a lot more sense at the beginning of the season. Now, it strikes me as odd, though there's no doubt that D. Brown has had trouble staying in front of the quicker DEs he's faced so far.

3. Tremendous bounceback game for The Schaub, one red zone fumble before the half aside (which proved to be costly from a momentum standpoint, as the offense stalled for much of the second half and generally looked a bit out of sync). Completing twenty-six (26) out of thirty-one (31) passes isn't something you see every day. Unless you're watching the Horns, of course. Again, I temper my enthusiasm with the caveat that it came at the expense of the Lions, but perhaps The Schaub Train is picking up steam after his dramatic game-winning scamper against the Fins?

4. Andre Johnson could catch the speed of light if he wanted to do so.

5. Owen Daniels finally got off the TD schneid in a big way. He's been so consistently good that I think I'm in danger of taking his excellence for granted.

6. In the Comments below, take a shot at listing all the current RB 1-2 punches in the NFL that you believe are better than Slaton-Green. Not better single RBs, mind you, but better RB tandems. I think you'll be amazed at how short the list is.

7. One more word on Slaton...he's already the second-best running back the franchise has ever had, and he's only six (6) games into his career. That's really exciting and terribly depressing at the same time.

8. If you weren't lucky enough to be at Sunday's game, check out this video someone taped of the defensive starter introductions. If you're pressed for time, fast forward to about 2:15 and watch Dunta's entrance; the team wisely introduced him even though he wasn't starting. I'm not ashamed to say I got a little choked up when I saw him jumping around after emerging from the tunnel. I don't know that we'll ever see anyone so happy to get back to work as Dunta was last Sunday.

9. Speaking of Dunta, he was most assuredly rusty; Mike Furrey had him beat far more often than not. It'll come, though. And it can't come soon enough, because...

10. Petey Faggins remembered he was Petey Faggins and played accordingly. The only, and I mean the ONLY, explanation for why Richard Smith would allow Petey to even get within five (5) yards of Calvin Johnson by himself is a botched lobotomy. It explains everything, really. Our defensive coordinator has been lobotomized and is scheming to reflect that. How else do you explan that Smith finally saw fit to call a couple of blitzes? You know he didn't do that willingly. The icepick did it. The icepick giveth (blitzing), and the icepick taketh away (assigning Petey Faggins to single-handedly hold C. Johnson).

11. Congratulations, Jacques Reeves. You were far from good, but your inadequacy was upstaged by Petey. Clever trick.

12. Will Demps looked really good in run support, though the concerns about the safety play in pass coverage remain.

13. The linebacking play, and specifically that of Zac Diles, seems to be improving each week. Shockingly, it really helps the pass rush when the linebackers are occasionally turned loose to pursue the QB, as evidenced by Diles' sack. Novel idea, I know, and I'm not even lobotomized.

14. Aside from a single long jaunt by Kevin Smith, the front seven did a fine job against the run.

15. Super Mario was held in check rather well by the DET OL; kudos to them. Unfortunately for the Lions, they forgot about BRB favorite Tim Bulman.

16. Speaking of Bulman, note that he notched his first sack mere days after granting us an interview. Coincidence? I think not. Amobi, you know where to find us.

17. Exactly what sort of compromising pictures does Anthony Weaver have that merit him getting snaps, much less starting? What else do Bulman and/or Earl Cochran have to do?

18. Kris Brown has not missed a field goal in nearly ten (10) months.

19. Matt Turk was as responsible for the Texans holding on to win as any single player, with assists by Apostrophe Davis and Antwaun Molden. Three (3) punts downed inside the five yard line? Are you kidding me?

20. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Owen Daniels; Defense--Zac Diles; Special Teams--Matt Turk.

One winless team in the rearview mirror, and another one dead ahead. Don't get complacent, though...Cincinnati has some weapons in the passing game, and they're completely capable of exploiting the horrendous secondary we know and hate begrudgingly tolerate. It won't be easy.

For the first time this season, a Houston Texan won the conference award for oustanding play on offense, defense, and/or special teams. It happened several times last year, so let's hope that Jacoby Jones has started the ball rolling, both in terms of his individual performance and that of the entire team. I said it a few days ago, and I'll say it again: Jacoby's return was the seminal play of that victory over Miami, and that game could've easily become a blowout without his TD.

Your move, Apostrophe. The Lions await.

With fifty-six (56) seconds left in the fourth quarter, I was done.

Matt Schaub had just thrown his third interception of the afternoon, effectively driving a stake through my barely beating heart. To be honest, though, Eugene Wilson had ripped that heart from my chest and thrown it against a wall with his absolutely inexplicable and horrifyingly dumb decision to run (instead of simply falling down and winning the game for his team) after pulling in a seemingly game-ending interception . Indeed, I was a shell after Wilson's act of insane idiocy. But when Schaub threw that pick to Andre Goodman...a coroner would have pronounced me legally dead.

I left my seat and headed for the aisle. See, my family's seats are above the sideline where Schaub threw the ball. From my vantage point, it was a clear INT. Not a doubt in my mind. I shuffled toward the door, mumbling something profane and incoherent in response to my dad's attempt to discuss the game. I'd had it. For the first time ever, I questioned my Texans fanaticism. How could I keep devoting so much time, energy, and money to an organization that paid me back like this? The games had ceased being fun. They had become an exercise in embarrassment and/or exquisitely creative methods of agony. I was at my breaking point. And then a funny thing happened on the way to the exit.

 

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Quick recap of the Texans' 2008 season so far, in chronological order:

Week One = Asskicking.
Week Two = Hurricane.
Week Three = Embarrassment.
Week Four = Overtime Heartbreaker.
Week Five = Most Painful Loss in Franchise History.

I'll be damned if I know what Texan fans did to anger the Man Upstairs like this. Can David Carr really have that much pull? In light of how the season's played out thus far, I feel pretty good predicting that the following three (3) things shall occur on Sunday when the Fins invade Reliant:

1. The taps at Reliant Stadium will begin dispensing blood instead of beer.

2. A swarm of locusts will darken the sky over Reliant Stadium and consume the remaining roof panels.

3. In lieu of a coin flip, we'll see the death of Toro's firstborn at midfield.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: If you want to read something that'll make you believe the Texans are going to be victorious for the first time in 2008 on Sunday afternoon, check out Jerome Solomon here. Personally, I'm still skeptical. Ahhhh, screw it. Dolphins 24, Texans 31. The Schaub throws for 250 yards, with 2 TD and O INT. 'Dre finishes with 89 yards and a TD. Slaton accumulates 97 total yards and a TD. And Apostrophe Davis runs one back to the house. I'm all in! And possibly mentally incompetent!

I'd love to sit here and tell you that your Houston Texans are "the best 0-2 team you'll ever see." Really, I would. But I can't, because they're not. The numbers don't lie.

Since the 2008 regular season began, the Texans have looked like something that is expelled from a canine's anus. In reality, your Houston Texans have looked far more like the two (2) win team of 2005 than the eight (8) win team of 2007. And yes, I know...the Texans have played two (2) teams that feature defenses likely to be ranked in the Top Five at season's end. And I also realize that the effects of Hurricane Ike surely weighed heavy on the minds of everyone in the Houston organization for the last week. The fact remains, however, that hurricane or no hurricane, talented opponent or not, the Texans we saw in Pittsburgh and Nashville could not have beaten anyone in the NFL. They sucked. Badly. Pure and simple. There's no way around that. And if they don't turn this thing around quickly, we're headed for a first-round pick in the first hour of the 2009 NFL Draft.

Luckily (right now; that may change) for us, there's still a ton of football to be played. All's not lost...yet. But yesterday reinforced several of the issues we saw in Pittsburgh. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

1. There are very few positives to be gleaned from yesterday's abomination, so I'm getting those out of the way first. The brightest spot, of course, was Steve Slaton (18 carries for 116 yards and a TD). While nearly half of those yards came from one run, when was the last time a Texan RB even broke off a run of more than ten (10) yards? I'm not looking that gift horse in the mouth. Not that we have to worry about it, because it would actually require Ahman Green to suit up, but there should be ZERO debate over who should be starting at RB.

2. Apostrophe Davis was also a solid contributor yesterday. Between his good returns and that forty-nine (49) yard reception, Davis did not make me want to vomit into an airplane pillowcase (consider that last phrase a bit of foreshadowing, gentle reader).

3. The offensive line wasn't great. They probably weren't even good. But I'd say they were passable. They got pushed around too much by another tremendous front four (especially up the middle), but they were not nearly as cringe-inducing as they had been at Heinz Field. I guess what I'm saying is that they sucked a good deal less than they did in their prior engagement. That's worth something, right? Kind of like being the prettiest girl in Oklahoma.

4. I suppose it's technically possible for Matt Schaub to play worse than he has the last two (2) games. After all, there's always another interception to be thrown, more happy feet to display in the pocket, more refusals to look at anyone other than your first read, etc. On an afternoon that saw several Texans striving to be declared the crappiest player on the field, Schaub won the title going away. His interceptions, like those that he threw against the Steelers, were atrocious. How in the hell can Schaub look so bad now when he looked so solid in several games last year? What happened?

5. That said, I don't think you can pull the plug yet. At this point, we've got a body of severely contrasting work. Is he the guy we saw last year against the Saints? Or is he the guy we saw yesterday? I don't know, though I'd readily admit he's trending downward at a precipitous rate. The most important game of his professional career takes place on Sunday in Jacksonville. If Schaub doesn't play one hundred times better, the calls for Sage Rosenfels will be completely justified and may well be impossible for Kubes to ignore.

6. As horrible as Schaub was, he got absolutely no help from his WRs. Andre Johnson dropped two (2) surefire TD passes, and Owen Daniels bobbled away/dropped another one that he should have caught. If those guys aren't going to catch the balls that are thrown their way, the Texans will be lucky to stay within two (2) TDs of anyone all year.

7. Vonta Leach remains a viable option in the passing game, and I remain perplexed as to why this is so.

8. The offensive playcalling was extraordinarily suspect, and I'm not even talking about the six (6) times Kubes went for it on fourth down (that gets its own paragraph). One play really sticks out to me in particular. Third and four from the Houston 20, early third quarter, Texans trailing 21-12. And the call is a pitch outside to Slaton? Zuh? This ain't college ball, and Slaton ain't Barry Sanders. I cannot imagine a poorer call that would not have included taking a knee. But hey, at least that was on third down, because on fourth down...

9. Kubes treated the game like it was Tecmo Bowl. Punting? What's that? Field goals? Those are for wimps! Never mind that Kris Brown is as close to automatic as it gets, and that you could have cut the deficit to six (6) points by simply taking the three (3) each time, thus giving yourself a chance to win the game in the fourth quarter. Nah--letting your anemic offense and jittery QB spit the bit to keep the deficit at twelve (12) is a far more sound strategy.

10. Of course, kicking those FGs would have required Bryan Pittman snapping the ball, which is apparently asking an awful lot out of a guy whose only job is to snap the ball. It was almost like he and Matt Turk got together before the game and said, "Remember last year's game in San Diego? Let's see if we can top it!" Well, congrats, fellas. Turk staggering around like a drunken sorority pledge, complete with his patented falling-down-on-ass-and-chucking-football-straight-up-in-the-air move, was priceless. It'll haunt my dreams for years to come.

11. While we're on the subject of field goals, you cannot settle for two (2) of them when the Titans turn the ball over twice early in the game, giving the Texans unbelievable field position. A good team gets ten (10) points out of those turnovers. A very good team gets fourteen (14). The Texans got six (6). You do the math.

12. You know what would be swell? A pass rush. Whereas in weeks past we've at least been able to rave about Super Mario, the Titans did a tremendous job making him a complete non-factor. Normally, you'd like to think someone else would step up to fill that hole, but instead we got more of the same from the DL: Nothing.

13. Linebacking play was below average. Not nearly as bad as the defensive line, but not good by any stretch of the imagination.

14. Jacques Reeves' first quarter INT was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that ol' Jacques decided he was done touching the ball for the day, steadfastly refusing to acknowledge that the football was coming his way a few more times when he was stride for stride with the WR.

15. Fred Bennett, please take a look at tape from last year and attempt to re-capture that technique. I beg you.

16. Will Demps made what I would say was the worst tackle I've ever had the displeasure to see in person on Bo Scaife's TD catch. Frankly, calling it a tackle is misleading, because Demps looked like he was aiming for the ground two (2) yards in front of Scaife.

17. Dunta Robinson was easily the most pumped up individual on the Houston sideline. Unfortunately, he is not playing for another several weeks.

18. One more note on Kubiak...his penchant for ill-conceived challenges has become laughable, but I don't know how much of that is on him. Doesn't he have someone upstairs who's watching the game on video and telling him when a play should be challenged? I believe he does, and I believe I'd be scouring the classifieds today if I was that person.

19. You probably think the title of this post is some sort of metaphor or exaggeration. Or you did, until I hinted otherwise. So here's the story: Dejected after the beating our squad took (and beginning to wonder if my travel to the road games was serving as some sort of jinx), I headed to the airport to fly home. My buddies and I stopped for some food in the Terminal A food court. I decided that some Chinese food would ease my troubled soul, and proceeded to order from Manchu Wok. As I ate it, I remarked to my friends that the chicken did not taste very good. But because I (a) was hungry and (b) am a dumbass, I ate most of it.

Fast forward an hour, and guess who unswallowed his dinner? Into an airplane pillowcase, no less, as his seat didn't have any barf-bags and the damn drink cart was blocking the path to the lavatory? There I sat for another hour, with a seeping sack of barely digested Chinese food at my feet and my sense of self-worth slightly lessened.

You might ask why I'm telling you this terrible tale, and the answer is simple: First, it's somewhat amusing. Secondly, it shows that things can get worse, even when they seem like they can't. Keep that in mind on Sunday when the Texans face the Jags.