Being a Texans fan in 2008 has been quite the roller coaster. We had real expectations coming into the season, only to see a brutal opening stretch and a natural disaster contribute (though in no way excuse) a deflating 0-3 start in which every game was played away from the friendly confines of Reliant Stadium.

Then, in the first home game of the year, this happened. And with that, we were all morosely questioning the sweet release that would come with guzzling household cleaning products. Indeed, if you're looking for a signature moment that captures the horrors of Texans fandom, in this or any other season, it's the Rosencopter.

Yet when things looked the darkest, we were treated to a three (3) game winning streak, thanks to home-sweet-home victories over Miami, Detroit, and Cincinnati. Although we were wary of buying into the notion that the Texans had turned some sort of corner, we had hope again. Until Matt Schaub was knocked out for a month, courtesy of Jared Allen going knee-hunting in Minnesota; this meant we were treated to four (4) games with Sage Rosenfels under center, against Baltimore, Indianapolis, Cleveland, and Jacksonville (first MNF game in franchise history!). After winning the last two (2) games of that stretch, your Houston Texans welcomed back Matt Schaub and extended their franchise-best winning streak to four (4) with victories at Green Bay and at home against Bud Adams. While a playoff berth was out of the question, many of us believed our little team had turned a corner. For real this time. We were building something!

Or so we thought.

And that brings us to the season finale against the Bears tomorrow. Which team are we going to see? The Texans that inspired hope and an era of good feelings? Or the Texans that had you calculating whether your ceiling fan could support your weight? Don't ask me, because neither would surprise me. Far be it for me, however, to let that uncertainty keep me from making ridiculous predictions and acting like I have a clue what we'll see tomorrow. Hit it!

1. The Schaub closes 2008 with a big game against a woeful Chicago pass defense. I'll say Schaub is good for 283 yards through the air, complete with two (2) TD and a frustrating fumble (courtesy of a blindside hit in the pocket). In related news, Kubes and Shanahan remember they have Andre Johnson on the roster and go to him often and early. 'Dre will have 68 yards receiving by halftime.

2. That success through the air is going to be crucial, because Steve Slaton is going to find tough sledding throughout the afternoon. Still, I think we'll see one of his patented how-did-he-do-that breaks from the pile for 22 yards. Total output for Slaton: 85 total yards (70 rushing and 15 receiving) with no trips into the end zone.

3. I'd be lying if I said that the thought of an effective performance by the Houston defense didn't scare the bejeezus out of me. It should scare you, too. Keep the consequences in mind when you see DeMeco Ryans strip the ball from Kyle Orton on a blitz tomorrow and a defensive score.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Unlike your Houston Texans, the Bears are playing for a spot in the postseason. Normally, I'd give the edge to the team with desperation on their side. For some reason, I'm inclined to go the other way tomorrow, and I'll readily admit that my hunch may simply be the result of indigestion and/or my own desperation regarding the avoidance of another losing season. Bears 20, Texans 21.

A $50,000.00 fine hardly offsets losing your franchise QB for at least a month, but at least it shows that the league thinks Jared Allen's two (2) shots to The Schaub's knee were dirty. It ain't much, but it's something, I guess.

The worst part is that the team that should suffer the most for the player's conduct (Minnesota) won't feel a thing, whereas the team that's suffering the most from Allen's conduct (Houston) has little recourse. Again, I reiterate the propriety of my proposed return to Hammurabi's Code for situations such as this: Give Super Mario a machete and a clear shot at Allen's knee. That'd be justice.

Better late than never, right? As Baltimore is fast ahead, let's put the latest road loss in the rearview mirror as quickly as possible...

1. The most maddening thing I think I've read all season, courtesy of Jacques "I Make Petey Faggins Look Good" Reeves:

"That’s what I want," Reeves said about quarterbacks trying to pick on him. "It gives me a chance to make plays, so I have no problem with it."

You have got to be kidding me. News flash, Pepe Le Pew: You're awful. Every Sunday, you make me want to go on a killing spree. You make Petey Faggins, widely considered to be the worst defensive back in all of football, look like Deion Sanders. I hate you, Frenchy. The reason teams throw at you is precisely because you do not make plays (Sunday's fluke pick-six aside). They're going to throw at you regardless, so the least you could do is not encourage them to do so. It's akin to dousing yourself in gasoline and then dancing around a campfire. I want to scream right now.

2. There are lots of reasons to think Richard Smith is an incompetent boob. The refusal to blitz. The insistence on playing defensive linemen who are nowhere near as productive as the younger guys below them on the depth chart. The inability to maximize the skills of his personnel. These are all good reasons. But in my opinion, there is no bigger reason to want Smith's head on a platter than his cornerback rotation. I'm willing to be lenient about his use of Dunta Robinson; Dunta's still rounding into shape after a horrific injury and is shaking the rust off (e.g., getting beat for a TD by Sidney Rice). No such benefit of the doubt, however, when it comes to Richard Smith's bizarre use of Fred Bennett and absolute refusal to incorporate Antwaun Molden into the rotation. Bennett was a revelation last year; now he can't even get consistent snaps in front of Jacques Reeves and/or Petey Faggins? I'll make this perfectly clear: I would rather see Fred Bennett wearing his helmet backwards and lined up across from Jerry Rice than be subjected to another second of Reeves or Faggins. Simply put, there's no way Bennett is worse than either of those guys. It's not possible. I have no idea if Molden is an answer at CB, but give me the potential that he is over the known quantity that is the poisonous non-coverage skills of the incumbents any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Again, I want to scream.

3. Hey, Dick Smith: Tim Bulman and Earl Cochran each notched a sack. In light of that success, as well as the fact that they've clearly outplayed the guys ahead of them all season, any chance Bulman and Cochran supplant Travis Johnson and The Corpse Formerly Known As Anthony Weaver as the starters? Or even take snaps away from them? Of course not.

6. I think DeMeco's ankle is really messed up. He's spoiled us since his rookie year, so it blows to have to see him look less than the stellar Pro Bowler we're used to.

7. The last memory I'll have of Zac Diles this season is him biting on that fake and allowing Visanthe Shiancoe to score the winning TD for the Vikings. I hate that.

8. If Owen Daniels isn't in Honolulu in February, there should be an investigation. 11 catches for 133 yards? Tight ends don't put up those kind of numbers.

9. The Vikes neutralized Andre Johnson as well as a team not named the Texans can do it. As opposed to years past, the nice thing is that the Texans have enough other weapons that the offense doesn't completely grind to a halt if 'Dre has a quieter game. The offense may not be as explosive without 'Dre hovering around 100 receiving yards, but guys like OD, K-Dub, and Steve Slaton still give the QB options. That's a treat.

10. Duane Brown and Ephraim Salaam should be ashamed of themselves. I know Jared Allen's a stud and all, but they were outclassed the entire game. As I noted here, one play of Salaam getting pancaked really sticks out in my mind. The fact that Brown has to face another 3-4 defense on Sunday (remember what James Harrison and Joey Porter did to ol' Duane) should have Sage increasing his life insurance policy.

11. Staying on Sage...that pick into double coverage (in the end zone, no less) that effectively ended the game was atrocious. Communication issues aside, there was no excuse for that throw. The worst part about it? Tell me you didn't see it coming. You're lying.

12. The Texans' defense is far too crappy for the offense to be able to turn the ball over at all, much less inside the red zone. It's a chronic problem that doesn't seem to get better at all, and I don't know why. Is it simply execution by the players? Is it coaching? What's the deal?

13. Matt Schaub shouldn't have been out there after he started limping, though I appreciate his toughness. His INT on the wounded duck to Vonta Leach looked to be the result of his inability to put his whole body into the throw. No player ever wants to come out, so that's on Kubes.

14. What's not on Kubes, however, is Schaub's fumbling. It's also a problem that's not going away.

15. Thought the interior of the Houston OL did a very admirable job against the one ton of push that is the Williams Wall. That was unexpected.

16. I'm tired and now much angrier than when I started writing this, so I'm wrapping this up. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Owen Daniels; Defense--Zac Diles; Special Teams--Kris Brown (by default).

Sunday brings the Ike'd out game against Baltimore, and your Houston Texans will be without their starting QB and leading tackler. The only way this could be any more ominous is if it was on the road.

Some quick hits as Sage Rosenfels prepares to take the helm against a fierce Baltimore defense:

-The Texans sent tape of the two (2) Jared Allen low-blows to the league office for review. Personally, I think a fair sentence would be letting Mario hit Allen low. With a machete.

-Awwwww, Duane Brown feels bad about letting Allen spend so much time in the backfield. Don't beat yourself up too much, Duane. Ephraim Salaam got pancaked by Allen on at least one occasion that I clearly recall, and he was the LT of record for the second shot to The Schaub's knee. Pass some of that useless remorse Salaam's way.

-McClain says the Texans will bring Tim Rattay, Bruce Gradkowski, and Craig Nall in to audition for the part of backup to Sage. Be still my beating heart. Nall had a cup of coffee as a Texan last year, so you might be inclined to think he'd be the favorite, but I wonder whether Mike Sherman's departure levels the playing field.

-Finally, a depressing observation, echoed by John McClain: 'Dre had a sprained knee last year. He missed seven (7) games.

Assuming I don't jump out a window, the Post-Game Breakdown will be up later this afternoon.

Normally I outline, draft, and edit my front page posts...This is not one of those times.  I was busy at work, so I didn't hear about Schaub's injury until early this evening.  All I can say is 'what the fuck?!' Everything I'm about to write is coming through unfiltered.  Call it therapy, call it bitching.. call it whatever.  The following is my visceral reaction to news surrounding the extent of Matt Schaub's injury.

First and foremost - Jared Allen is a cheap shot artist who intentionally injured Matt Schaub.  Diving at a quarterback's knees is inexcusable, indefensible, and intolerable.  With that one play, Jared Allen killed any chance of  the Texans having a winning season.  Fuck you Jared.

So Sage jumps up the depth chart.

What is that?  Sage was 4-1 as the starter last year?  Okay, yes he was - unfortunately it was before he decided to go '93 Oilers on us.  He cost us the game against the Colts and threw a red zone pick on third and inches last Sunday that essentially ended the Texans' day. 

As much as I would love to see a healthy Schaub under center, the Texans have no choice but to go with Rosenfels.  Am I happy about that?  No, but here is the rub.  Even with all the faith I've lost in Sage this season, I still consider him a capable quarterback.   

If there is any room for optimism, it lies in this inevitability: Sage will get exclusive work with the first team.  The coaching staff knows what he does well and will look to coach him up the best they can. 

Sage is a prototypical game manager; unfortunately, the Texans offense is driven by the pass.  If Slaton is the only back available, the offense is going to struggle to get going.  I love me some Steve Slaton, but he doesn't have the size or the savvy in his rookie year to shoulder the entire offensive load, so Sage has to step up and play his way back into the hearts of Texans fans.  I just don't see it happening.

The season is on a runaway train and it's picking up steam...

Damn it.

Remember the "We want Sage" chants?  Well, there you go, fuckheads.

Oh, no. Nononononononononononono.

Damn you, Jared Allen. Damn you to hell. You've made at least a dozen powerful enemies today. I am now actively rooting for your demise.

Thus, the Rosencopter shall take to the skies again. I do not believe I could be more depressed about your Houston Texans than I am right now. More to follow, unfortunately.

You folks know the drill by now, so here we go...three (3) things that are sure to happen tomorrow afternoon in Minnesota. WARNING: These things may not actually occur.

1. Andre Johnson will become the first player in NFL history to notch five (5) straight games with at least 130 receiving yards. History will be made, people! It'll be like witnessing the signing of the Declaration of Independence, only awesomer and more relevant. And 'Dre will add in a TD catch to boot. Which is good, because the Houston passing game (and more importantly, pass protection) will need to be firing on all cylinders to keep Jared Allen & Co. off The Schaub's back.

2. Your Houston Texans secondary will not intercept Gus Frerotte once. They'll intercept him twice, with one being made by Eugene Wilson, and another being made by Jacques Reeves. The latter will be a sight to see, as the ball will actually bounce high in the air off the back of Reeves' helmet; he'll then turn around and the ball will magically land in his hands, which he will have raised above his waist for the first time all season for the purpose of adjusting his helmet. You know, from the ball bouncing off of it.

3. Amobi Okoye will get his first sack of the season. In a related story, I will curse Anthony Weaver for stealing money from the organization at least seven (7) times during the broadcast.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Back in July, I said this about Sunday's game (I had the Texans coming into the game at 4-3), which should've been coming after our bye week:

Unfortunately, the Vikes are coming off a bye this week as well. On the plus side, I figure there's a decent chance that Tarvaris Jackson has Minnesota fans wishing they'd offered a second-rounder for Sage and/or Adrian Peterson crumbling under the strain of forty (40) carries per game. Call me a putz, but I see a hard-fought win here. 5-3, baby.

Jackson's riding the pine, the Rosencopter occurred in steel blue/liberty white/battle red instead of purple, and Peterson's only had 151 carries so far, with nary a thirty (30) carry day this season. I'll stick with the last sentence, though: Call me a putz, but see a hard-fought win here. Texans 27, Vikings 24. Please disregard all "statistics," "data," "logic," and "trends" about how the Texans can't win on the road. If you can do that, you'll understand the prediction.

When the tale of the Texans 2008 season is told, I believe that one of the main threads running through it will be the story of a team that had to get out of its own way.

As the Texans have cleaned up their turnovers and improved their decision-making with the ball, they have started winning.

Week 1 @ Pittsburgh: The Texans did everything wrong.  The Steelers dominated, but the Texans sure poured gasoline on the fire with long drops and having a zone blocking line go man-up with the likes of Casey Hampton and James Harrison.

They were out of it the whole game.

Week 2 vs. Ike: A brief pause for all those who got through this storm and those who are still struggling.

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