What do These 3 Things Have In Common?

(Special thanks to blogcdn.com, templewingchun.com, cheyne.co.nz and z.about.com for images)

They're all part of a formation the Dolphins are calling "Wildcat".  Its early success is not based on magical alignments or genius play design.  Rather, it's early triumph comes from the execution of a few sound principles. 

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A day later, I really don't feel any different than I did last night. I still maintain that Sage Rosenfels gave Indianapolis the game. I still maintain that the coaches and/or playcalling were not responsible for the loss, though I appreciate the solid back-and-forth that the two camps had going in the Comments to the previous post.

Regardless of how much affinity we have for the Texans, we will always remember yesterday for the last four (4) minutes in the fourth quarter. And that's a huge shame, because there were so many standout performances from other Texans. Although it's surely no consolation to Sage, I also think one Texan in particular should send Sage a cash basket in appreciation for keeping the suck spotlight off of him. Let's get to it:

1. The reason the Texans looked like a complete football team for the first time this season was due entirely to the appearance of an element that's been absent nearly the entire season. That magical component? A pass rush. Your Houston Texans, and specifically their front four, got consistent pressure on Peyton Manning and knocked him on his rear throughout the game. Super Mario notched two (2) sacks and was in Peyton's kitchen all afternoon, disrupting the flow of the Indy offense. We've come to expect that from Mario, so that's not a big surprise. But you know who did show up for the first time this season?

2. Amobi Okoye! He got more penetration than we've seen all season; he was getting to and knocking down Peyton consistently in the second half. Could yesterday have been Amobi's arrival as a force to be reckoned with, like Super Mario did against Kansas City last year?

3. Linebacking play was far better than it's been all season, too. While DeMeco is always going to be a stalwart, I was impressed with how well Zac Diles and (gasp!) Morlon Greenwood played. Greenwood in particular made some nice tackles at the line of scrimmage and slightly behind it.

4. That brings me to another crucial point: The tackling was infinitely better yesterday than it's been all season. The Texans wrapped up and generally didn't let the opposition squirm away, unlike their efforts the previous three (3) games.

5. Was it just me, or did anyone else think we got better safety play from the "reserves" than we have from Brown and Demps?

6. Fred Bennett had a couple of very nice plays, though I'm not sure that each one called for a celebration akin to having won the Super Bowl. Hopefully, like Amobi, this is the start of something big.

7. The worst player on the field whenever the Colts had the ball was easily Jacques Reeves. If not for Sage monopolizing the fanbase's scorn, Reeves' insistence on continuing to play CB as if he has no arms and wearing a neck brace would be the overriding negative of the game. He's simply awful, and he's clearly the weakest link in a weak secondary. It's only a slight exaggeration to say that I'd rather have Dunta Robinson hobbling around on crutches out there instead of Reeves at 100%.

8. In the rare event that Pepe Le Pew has any defenders, please do not point to the pass he "knocked away" in the end zone in the first half. Marvin Harrison had Reeves beat; Peyton simply underthrew that ball. Frenchy wouldn't have been able to lay a hand on it if he'd actually been in good position. That's not good corner play. But congratulations, Jacques Reeves. You've done the impossible. You've made me long for Petey Faggins to get more snaps. Do you know how dirty that makes me feel?

9. Seriously...I'd rather have Petey Faggins, who I thought was the worst DB in the league, get more playing time than a free agent acquisition inked to a multi-year deal mere months ago. Chew on that for a bit, and then try not to vomit.

10. The offensive line, both in run and pass blocking, was superb. Duane Brown in particular did an admirable job holding off Dwight Freeney. Freeney beat him a couple of times, but I thought the rookie acquitted himself in tremendous fashion. And did you see how Brown was sprinting after Gary Brackett after Sage's first fumble? Talk about heart.

11. The next decent snap Bryan Pittman makes will be the first I've seen in a month. How has he not been cut yet?

12. Steve Slaton continues to look like he was the steal of the draft. I honestly could not be any happier with him.

13. Was that Ahman Green I saw running hard between the tackles? And not pulling up lame? I must have been drunk.

14. 'Dre--Nine (9) catches for 131 yards and a TD. He's back.

15. Quick: Name five (5) current tight ends you'd rather have than Owen Daniels. Can you do it? Because I can't.

16. As a whole, the offense looked like a well-oiled machine. Well, at least until the unpleasantness at the end, that is.

17. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Andre Johnson; Defense--Mario Williams; Special Teams--Kris Brown (with a special nod to Kevin Bentley, whose special teams play is becoming a consistent rave every week).

18. I'll leave you with an observation from my buddy Jay. You remember Jay; he become a bit of a legend around these parts after his conduct in Nashville last year. When we met up after the game, Jay attempted to express his feelings on the loss. I can assure you I am only barely paraphrasing here when I report that he uttered the following line:

If today's game was a hurricane, I feel like my house got blown away. And then I was raped by looters.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better about the Texans' chances on Sunday, notwithstanding the fact that the Colts aren't nearly as ravaged by injuries as I originally thought. The Houston offense looked great in Jacksonville, and the defense has played a solid half of football in each of the past two (2) games. The pessimist (realist?) in me says that the preceding statement means the defense has been pathetic for the equivalent of 50% of the past two (2) games (and about 80% of the game in Pittsburgh), yet I'm going to stay positive. With that newfound lease on life in mind, here are three (3) things that shall occur on Sunday in the home opener of your Houston Texans:

1. Matt Schaub's going to have another good game, and Andre Johnson is going to be a big part of that reality. I see 260 yards passing and 2 TDs for The Schaub, 102 yards and 1 TD of which are going to be courtesy of 'Dre.

2. Here's a bold one for you: The Colts will do a yeoman job keeping Super Mario in check. That superb effort, however, will be somewhat diminished by the fact that Earl Cochran is going to register a sack of Peyton Manning.

3. I'd love nothing more than to predict a great game by someone in the Houston secondary. I just can't. Peyton Manning is going to throw for 290 yards, and I'm going to curse the mothers of Jacques Reeves and Will Demps on at least one occasion each.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Fact is, if the Texans lose this game, it's going to be a loooooooong season in Space City. That also translates to a looooooong and depressing season here at BRB, and I'm going to fight that with every last ounce of my prognosticating skills. Call it Colts 27, Texans 30 via a winning FG by Kris Brown. Let us pray.

Pardon the blatant abuse of Bon Jovi in the title to this post, if you will. As I was debating how to recap yesterday's game, I was struck by the duality of your Houston Texans after their loss to the Jaguars of Jacksonville. On one hand, the passing game looked terrific. On the other hand, the running game continued to look like it has since the franchise's inception. Which is to say, inconsistent at best, and nonexistent at worst. Still, that middling effort was far better than what we saw out of the defense, particularly in the second half. And no matter what kind of spin we try to put on it, the fact remains that your Houston Texans have lost three (3) in a row, two (2) of which were within the division. Dress it up all you want, but that burns.

The breaking dawn on the horizon, of course, is that the good guys don't have to leave their new open-air stadium for the next month. And while I'd certainly rather be catching the Colts with a semblance of momentum and/or not coming off their bye week, they haven't looked like the Colts we've grown accustomed to crushing our collective will to live playing, and they've got some real injury issues of their own. After Indy, the Texans host Miami, Detroit, and Cincinnati. While it's admittedly unreasonable to think the hometown team is going to rattle off four (4) wins in a row, it's not entirely insane to hope that they take three (3) of the next four.

So how does this tie in to yesterday afternoon's loss? Before yesterday, the Texans had not given us a reason to think they were capable of winning three (3) games all season, much less three of their next four. Now? We can at least hope. As I've realized that being a Texans fan is the sporting equivalent of being Andy Dufresne, all I can say is that hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies. Unless your secondary murders it. Segue, baby!

1. I really have nothing good to say about any of the Houston defensive backs. They can't tackle, and they can't cover. I'm no expert, but I think the chronic failure to do both of those things bodes very poorly for them (and by extension, us) for the rest of the season.

2. Staying on the secondary, C.C. Brown broke his arm and is out for the season. Normally, it'd be a huge blow to lose your starting strong safety. And hell, maybe it will be in C.C.'s case. But I believe there's an excellent chance that whoever takes over the starting gig (Dominique Barber? Nick Ferguson?) cannot be any worse. So we've got that going for us, which is nice.

3. Jacques Reeves can stay stride for stride with any WR in the league. Unfortunately for us, playing CB requires the occasional movement of one's arms and/or turning of one's head. Both of those qualities seem to be beyond Pepe Le Pew's skill set.

4. Fred Bennett just makes me sad. Remember how good he was last year?

5. DeMeco made some unreal plays yesterday, but he also missed what might have been the biggest tackle of his professional career in overtime (ended up setting up the winning FG for Scobee). Scobee would've probably hit anything closer than 55 yards out, so in the final analysis, it's not like it was catastrophic, but still...I expect more from the leader of the defense.

6. When did Quincy Monk steal Morlon Greenwood's identity and roster spot?

7. The pass rush is still mostly a figment of my imagination, but the Texans did put David Garrard on his back quite a few times, albeit not for sacks. Super Mario might as well have had a saddle on his back throughout most of the game, yet he still managed to be disruptive. I also really liked what I saw from Earl Cochran; he was about 758 times more active than Anthony Weaver's corpse usually is.

8. At DT, Amobi Okoye continues to be a complete non-factor. What the hell's the deal? Is he too small/light to penetrate and/or tie up blockers? Does he need a planetoid like Frank Okam playing next to him to allow him to contribute? Whatever the hold-up is, Richard Smith had better figure out how to take advantage of Okoye's talent. I hesitate to put too much of Okoye's struggles on Okoye himself, purely because I remember how effective he looked early in his rookie season. Plus, the thought of the Texans whiffing on two (2) first-round defensive tackles in a three (3) year period makes me want to jam a pair of scissors in my eye.

9. Travis Johnson was healthy enough to play, yet he didn't get the start. Jeff Zgonina ain't Warren Sapp, but at least he's not a headcase liable to pick up a personal foul or two, all the while running his mouth at a rate approximately 235 times faster than he moves in the trenches.

10. In the time it's taken you to read this far, David Garrard could have completed fifteen (15) consecutive slants without Richard Smith making a single adjustment. On a related note, perhaps our venerable defensive coordinator has used the thirty (30) hours since the game ended to figure out that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good idea to spy David Garrard instead of letting him singlehandedly scramble down the middle of the field what seemed like eight (8) straight times.

11. Kris Brown continues to be the most consistent player on the entire roster.

12. What does it say about Jacoby Jones that I would have rather had him not touch the ball, allowing it to be downed at the one-yard line, instead of picking it up and trying to return it? I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown every time he fields a punt and/or catches a pass.

13. Final word on special teams: I'm no professional football player or coach, but I believe a timeout might be warranted when you notice Jacksonville's "punt team" does not actually feature anyone lining up to punt the ball. And as bad as that was, the abhorrent tackling featured after the snap actually took the cake. Bravo, Petey Faggins.

14. The Schaub was, in a word, brilliant. He made the right reads, went through his progressions, protected the ball, and all in all looked absolutely nothing like the fraud we saw in the first two games of the season. It was undeniably the biggest game of his professional career, and Matt Schaub played his position about as well as it can be played. Kudos to Kubes as well for scripting the first several plays to feature short passes that would allow Schaub to get into a rhythm and build his confidence. Simply a superlative performance, and I have no doubt The Schaub would have led the Texans to victory if we hadn't lost the coin flip at the beginning of overtime.

15. Owen Daniels showed why he is one of the, if not the, best young TE(s) in the NFL--made some tough catches and picked up yards after the catch.

16. I know it's stupid, but I'm worried about Andre Johnson. Tremendous catch in the middle of the field late in the fourth quarter aside, he just doesn't look like the 'Dre we all know and love. He's more decoy than No. 1 WR right now. What gives?

17. Thankfully, Kevin Walter was there to pick up his slack (and/or vulture his TDs, if you're a 'Dre fantasy owner). He seemed to pick up that crucial last yard to cross the marker whenever the situation called for it, and he flashed the skills that shocked everyone not named Gary Kubiak last season. More, please.

18. Stupendous job in pass protection by the OL. The Schaub was clean all day, and we were all reminded of how effective the passing game can be if he's given time to throw. I was particularly impressed with the interior of the line, especially after the beating(s) they took in the first two games.

19. It's a really, really good thing that we hardly ever hear an announcer utter Duane Brown's name.

20. There weren't a ton of holes created for Steve Slaton to get through, but I loved the way he looked between the tackles. Factor in the additional facet the offense picks up by featuring him as a legitimate option out of the backfield, and Slaton could be a poor man's version of Brian Westbrook.

21. Is anyone else tickled that Ahman Green has lost out on $400,000.00 since the season opener? Given Slaton's emergence, at what point do you just send Green to the injured reserve?

22. Fake Game Balls: Offense--The Schaub; Defense--Super Mario; Special Teams--Kris Brown.

23. Did I really compare being a Texans fan to being wrongfully convicted, imprisoned, and brutalized at the beginning of this post? Hmmmmmm....so I did. And I stand by it. At least until the first win of '08.

I'd like to thank SOLIS for ably filling in for me last week when I was battling the Gulf Coast's return to medieval times. That whole no-electricity thing made me feel like a freaking serf without a lord, and I have the utmost sympathy for the approximately 19% of my neighbors who are still without power today. I'm keeping a good thought for all of you, and I hope the lights come on as quickly as possible.

Not coincidentially, that's the same wish I have for your Houston Texans. After the abominations that were visited upon us in Pittsburgh and Nashville, it's high time that Kubes & Co. give us something to believe in. Hell, I'm not even demanding a win. I just want a football team to show up on Sunday to play the Jags. That's not too much to ask, I don't think. Enough of my whining...three (3) things that will happen on Sunday afternoon:

1. Matt Schaub will look like a professional QB. I'm not saying he's going to channel his inner Tom Brady and throw for 300 yards, but I do believe that we'll all be breathing a bit easier come Sunday night. I'm calling 247 yards through the air with two (2) TDs (one of which will be caught by Andre Johnson) and one (1) INT. That's reasonable, isn't it?

2. The pass rush is still going to stink, despite the battered state of Jacksonville's offensive line. I'd love to be able to excitedly call for an Okoye sack, but he's looked more like Anthony Weaver than Super Mario. Look for David Garrard to get hassled a time or three (3) by "The Biggest Bust In the History of Mankind," yet for Garrard to have ample time throughout most of the game to pick apart a Houston secondary ripe for exploitation. I'll be bold and predict that Fred Bennett snags his first INT of the season, though I think that will be the lone bright spot defending the pass all afternoon.

3. Looking for a ray of light? Steve Slaton will be one. I don't see 100 yards on the ground in his future; instead, let's say he accounts for 100 total yards (71 on the ground and a few receptions for 29 via the air).

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Man, I'd love to predict a Houston victory. After the first two (2) games of the season, however, that would merit commitment to a mental hospital.  The Texans have looked really bad on balance thus far, and that's the state of the union until further notice. I see a friskier effort that makes us feel better; unfortunately, I also see another loss. Texans 20, Jags 27.

Okay, I was non-existent for this week's live game blog and it was with good reason, I was fulfilling my commitment to the USAFR.  Now, be being the true fan that I am, I had my better half record it and didn't watch what happened until after the game had long been decided.  That's not to say that I didn't have an idea of what happened - a chance meeting with my unit's only other proclaimed Texans fan pretty much clued me in - his expression told me all I needed to know...

So with the power of DVR, I watched the game twice... first time building a buzz, and the next stinking drunk.  Now, the funny thing is that I didn't start taking game notes until the second game.  The following is based on what I saw with my two bloodshot eyes.

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I'd love to sit here and tell you that your Houston Texans are "the best 0-2 team you'll ever see." Really, I would. But I can't, because they're not. The numbers don't lie.

Since the 2008 regular season began, the Texans have looked like something that is expelled from a canine's anus. In reality, your Houston Texans have looked far more like the two (2) win team of 2005 than the eight (8) win team of 2007. And yes, I know...the Texans have played two (2) teams that feature defenses likely to be ranked in the Top Five at season's end. And I also realize that the effects of Hurricane Ike surely weighed heavy on the minds of everyone in the Houston organization for the last week. The fact remains, however, that hurricane or no hurricane, talented opponent or not, the Texans we saw in Pittsburgh and Nashville could not have beaten anyone in the NFL. They sucked. Badly. Pure and simple. There's no way around that. And if they don't turn this thing around quickly, we're headed for a first-round pick in the first hour of the 2009 NFL Draft.

Luckily (right now; that may change) for us, there's still a ton of football to be played. All's not lost...yet. But yesterday reinforced several of the issues we saw in Pittsburgh. Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

1. There are very few positives to be gleaned from yesterday's abomination, so I'm getting those out of the way first. The brightest spot, of course, was Steve Slaton (18 carries for 116 yards and a TD). While nearly half of those yards came from one run, when was the last time a Texan RB even broke off a run of more than ten (10) yards? I'm not looking that gift horse in the mouth. Not that we have to worry about it, because it would actually require Ahman Green to suit up, but there should be ZERO debate over who should be starting at RB.

2. Apostrophe Davis was also a solid contributor yesterday. Between his good returns and that forty-nine (49) yard reception, Davis did not make me want to vomit into an airplane pillowcase (consider that last phrase a bit of foreshadowing, gentle reader).

3. The offensive line wasn't great. They probably weren't even good. But I'd say they were passable. They got pushed around too much by another tremendous front four (especially up the middle), but they were not nearly as cringe-inducing as they had been at Heinz Field. I guess what I'm saying is that they sucked a good deal less than they did in their prior engagement. That's worth something, right? Kind of like being the prettiest girl in Oklahoma.

4. I suppose it's technically possible for Matt Schaub to play worse than he has the last two (2) games. After all, there's always another interception to be thrown, more happy feet to display in the pocket, more refusals to look at anyone other than your first read, etc. On an afternoon that saw several Texans striving to be declared the crappiest player on the field, Schaub won the title going away. His interceptions, like those that he threw against the Steelers, were atrocious. How in the hell can Schaub look so bad now when he looked so solid in several games last year? What happened?

5. That said, I don't think you can pull the plug yet. At this point, we've got a body of severely contrasting work. Is he the guy we saw last year against the Saints? Or is he the guy we saw yesterday? I don't know, though I'd readily admit he's trending downward at a precipitous rate. The most important game of his professional career takes place on Sunday in Jacksonville. If Schaub doesn't play one hundred times better, the calls for Sage Rosenfels will be completely justified and may well be impossible for Kubes to ignore.

6. As horrible as Schaub was, he got absolutely no help from his WRs. Andre Johnson dropped two (2) surefire TD passes, and Owen Daniels bobbled away/dropped another one that he should have caught. If those guys aren't going to catch the balls that are thrown their way, the Texans will be lucky to stay within two (2) TDs of anyone all year.

7. Vonta Leach remains a viable option in the passing game, and I remain perplexed as to why this is so.

8. The offensive playcalling was extraordinarily suspect, and I'm not even talking about the six (6) times Kubes went for it on fourth down (that gets its own paragraph). One play really sticks out to me in particular. Third and four from the Houston 20, early third quarter, Texans trailing 21-12. And the call is a pitch outside to Slaton? Zuh? This ain't college ball, and Slaton ain't Barry Sanders. I cannot imagine a poorer call that would not have included taking a knee. But hey, at least that was on third down, because on fourth down...

9. Kubes treated the game like it was Tecmo Bowl. Punting? What's that? Field goals? Those are for wimps! Never mind that Kris Brown is as close to automatic as it gets, and that you could have cut the deficit to six (6) points by simply taking the three (3) each time, thus giving yourself a chance to win the game in the fourth quarter. Nah--letting your anemic offense and jittery QB spit the bit to keep the deficit at twelve (12) is a far more sound strategy.

10. Of course, kicking those FGs would have required Bryan Pittman snapping the ball, which is apparently asking an awful lot out of a guy whose only job is to snap the ball. It was almost like he and Matt Turk got together before the game and said, "Remember last year's game in San Diego? Let's see if we can top it!" Well, congrats, fellas. Turk staggering around like a drunken sorority pledge, complete with his patented falling-down-on-ass-and-chucking-football-straight-up-in-the-air move, was priceless. It'll haunt my dreams for years to come.

11. While we're on the subject of field goals, you cannot settle for two (2) of them when the Titans turn the ball over twice early in the game, giving the Texans unbelievable field position. A good team gets ten (10) points out of those turnovers. A very good team gets fourteen (14). The Texans got six (6). You do the math.

12. You know what would be swell? A pass rush. Whereas in weeks past we've at least been able to rave about Super Mario, the Titans did a tremendous job making him a complete non-factor. Normally, you'd like to think someone else would step up to fill that hole, but instead we got more of the same from the DL: Nothing.

13. Linebacking play was below average. Not nearly as bad as the defensive line, but not good by any stretch of the imagination.

14. Jacques Reeves' first quarter INT was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that ol' Jacques decided he was done touching the ball for the day, steadfastly refusing to acknowledge that the football was coming his way a few more times when he was stride for stride with the WR.

15. Fred Bennett, please take a look at tape from last year and attempt to re-capture that technique. I beg you.

16. Will Demps made what I would say was the worst tackle I've ever had the displeasure to see in person on Bo Scaife's TD catch. Frankly, calling it a tackle is misleading, because Demps looked like he was aiming for the ground two (2) yards in front of Scaife.

17. Dunta Robinson was easily the most pumped up individual on the Houston sideline. Unfortunately, he is not playing for another several weeks.

18. One more note on Kubiak...his penchant for ill-conceived challenges has become laughable, but I don't know how much of that is on him. Doesn't he have someone upstairs who's watching the game on video and telling him when a play should be challenged? I believe he does, and I believe I'd be scouring the classifieds today if I was that person.

19. You probably think the title of this post is some sort of metaphor or exaggeration. Or you did, until I hinted otherwise. So here's the story: Dejected after the beating our squad took (and beginning to wonder if my travel to the road games was serving as some sort of jinx), I headed to the airport to fly home. My buddies and I stopped for some food in the Terminal A food court. I decided that some Chinese food would ease my troubled soul, and proceeded to order from Manchu Wok. As I ate it, I remarked to my friends that the chicken did not taste very good. But because I (a) was hungry and (b) am a dumbass, I ate most of it.

Fast forward an hour, and guess who unswallowed his dinner? Into an airplane pillowcase, no less, as his seat didn't have any barf-bags and the damn drink cart was blocking the path to the lavatory? There I sat for another hour, with a seeping sack of barely digested Chinese food at my feet and my sense of self-worth slightly lessened.

You might ask why I'm telling you this terrible tale, and the answer is simple: First, it's somewhat amusing. Secondly, it shows that things can get worse, even when they seem like they can't. Keep that in mind on Sunday when the Texans face the Jags.

With the ghost of Ike still maintaining a strangle hold on Tim's power grid, I've again been given the opportunity to pick up the proverbial ball here at the BRB and run with it.  So here goes the latest installment of Three and Out: Useless Predictions for Sunday's game.

1. We'll see the Texans will effectively pressure Kerry Collins in 3^rd and long situations. I can't see Kerry being able to avoid the pass rush of DE Mario Williams. Mario gets a sack and a half. Side bet: DT Amobi Okoye has a big game and also picks up a sack and a half.

 

2. The Texans will be forced to get RB Steve Slaton the ball in open space. Expect to see the Texans use a bevy of screens and sweeps. I expect Slaton to go 17 for 73, with two runs over 8 yards. Side bet: RB Chris Taylor gets the call and finds the end zone from the red zone.

 

3. Kerry Collins is has a career 73.5 quarterback rating and has almost a one to one ratio on his TDs to Interceptions (175:172). That being the case, I think we see the ball hawking kid from South Cackalaky have a much easier time this week than he did in week one. I expect Fred Bennett to have a gem of a game. Side bet: Jacques Reeves endears himself to Texans fans with his first interception.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT:  I've gone on record as saying that the Texans would sweep Tennessee this year.  I won't let one shaky start and a stupid hurricane change my opinion.  Texans come out guns ablazin' and win 24 - 14.    Hell yeah.

In the face of an impending hurricane, the Texans carried on with this week's practices with one thing on their minds - preparing for the Baltimore Ravens.  With last Sunday's debacle in rear view mirror, the Texans have only one goal, prove to everyone that they are better than their week one showing.

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SON OF A .... What can I say? Yesterday, we all witnessed a beating the likes of which we thought we had left in the rearview mirror. Evidently, we were wrong, because the Steelers destroyed your Houston Texans in every way they could be destroyed. If they had been so inclined, Roethlisberger, Parker & Co. could have hung fifty (50) points on the Texans; the only reason that didn't happen was because the Steelers took the proverbial knee in the fourth quarter and threw all of four (4) passes in the third quarter. I haven't seen a team impose its will on the Texans like that, from start to finish, in quite some time. Sure, last season's effort against San Diego was ghastly; maybe this is conveniently revisionist history, but I don't remember it being as categorically pathetic as yesterday's disaster. In short, the Texans played about as poorly as they possibly could, and certainly far worse than any of us ever dreamed. They should be ashamed of themselves. I'm going to swallow my own tongue if I don't stop thinking about the game; let's get this PGB cranked out so we can begin the healing process:

1. Hey, I know it was only limited action, but Ahman Green made it through an entire ga---...what's that? You're kidding me. I did NOT see that one coming. Evidently, neither did Ahman or his agent. Still, there's a good chance Ahman Green made $1,800,000.00 for contributing thirty-one (31) total yards this season. What a country!

2. The statistics don't show it, but I thought Steve Slaton acquitted himself pretty well in his regular season debut. He ran hard and decisively. Truth be told, Ahman looked reasonably good too, right up until he began clutching his Life-Alert pendant.

3. Where was Chris Taylor?

4. The offensive line, on the whole, looked like they should have suited up for a junior high powderpuff game. Although they showed flashes of competence, this certainly wasn't what Alex Gibbs was brought here to do. Look, I know Pittsburgh has one of the, if not the, best front-seven(s) in the NFL. They're fast, they play a unique scheme, and they attack. The Texans might not face a better defense this year. But you know what? I don't care. The Texans were so severely whipped in the trenches (on both sides of the ball, but we'll get to the defense later) that they didn't even look like they were in the same league as the Steelers. They got beat off the edge. They got beat on the interior. They got pushed around. They looked totally overmatched, and that's on the coaches and the players. Specifically...

5. Chris Myers seemed to constantly be giving ground at the point of attack. Granted, that's nearly a given considering Mt. Hampton was the dude doing a lot of the taking, but I was still surprised at how often and how severely Myers looked to be on the wrong end of the battle.

6. I know Duane Brown has garnered mixed reviews from his debut, but I thought he performed fairly well in the first half and was then victimized in the second half by a Pro Bowler who's probably as fast or faster than anyone he'll see all season. Brown's a rookie starting at LT, and he's going to take his lumps. No reason to panic yet, especially not after he looked so capable throughout the preseason.

7. Ephraim Salaam looked pretty slow in limited duty, so I wouldn't harbor any illusions about him displacing D. Brown.

8. As I watched the game, I remarked to my buddy that Matt Schaub was doing his best impression of David Carr, circa 2006. Awful pocket presence. Horrible decisions with the ball, including two (2) interceptions that made me recoil in horror. Seemed to lock in on 'Dre and not survey the field. Took some brutal hits early (Vonta Leach in particular almost got Schaub decapitated on one of the five (5) sacks) and then looked rattled for the rest of game. And if you didn't watch the game and just looked at his final numbers, you'd think that he didn't play nearly as badly as he did. The similarities are chilling, aren't they?

9. All that said, Kubes was absolutely right not to bring Sage Rosenfels in. With Pittsburgh running as soft a scheme as you'll ever see in the fourth quarter, the Texans were bound to score a garbage TD or two. And better for Schaub to be the one "leading" those drives, even though we know they meant nothing. Had Sage been the guy under center for those meaningless snaps, we would've been bombarded with incessant yammering about how Sage led the team to TDs in limited action when Schaub couldn't do it. It would have been ludicrous, but it still would've been a distraction the team does not need.

10. Speaking of meaningless snaps, what the hell was Andre Johnson doing in there once the score was 35-3? Does Kubes not remember what happened when he pulled that crap nearly one year ago to the day? I'm all for 'Dre getting his (hell, he's on my fantasy team), but that was a ridiculous risk the team shouldn't be taking with its best offensive player.

11. Kevin Walter and Owen Daniels each had one amazing catch. Would have been nice to see Schaub give them opportunities to go for two, three, four, or even five more receptions, huh?

12. Apostrophe Davis and Jacoby Jones held on to the ball during returns. That's about the nicest thing I can say about their impact on the game.

13. You would not believe how much Steelers fans despise Kris Brown. If you ever want to have some fun with one, tell them how automatic and clutch Brown has been as a Texan.

14. Mario Williams was fantastic. It's clear that he's picked up where he left off at the end of last season. He was superb. As bad as the game was, thinking about how dominant he was is the overriding positive. Praise doesn't do him justice.

15. The rest of the defensive line, however, was putrid. I'm going to stroke out if I write too long about it, so I'll break it down as quickly as I can. Neither Anthony Weaver or Travis Johnson should start another game for the Texans. Weaver is completely impotent at DE, and Tr. Johnson alternates between ineffective and galactically stupid (e.g., his horrible and catastrophic personal foul, one of which he seems to be good for each week). There's no way, and I mean NO WAY, that the alternatives at DE and/or DT could perform any worse. Please, Kubes...make an executive decision here. Weaver and Johnson are simply awful.

16. I thought Amobi Okoye made a play or two, but the stat sheet doesn't show it. If the Texans are going to be anything other than Super Mario & the Three Clowns, Amobi needs to find another gear.

17. I had Willie Parker on my fantasy team last season, and he scored two (2) TDs all year. Yesterday, he scored three (3) in one game. Clearly, Willie knew I was at Heinz Field yesterday and wanted to give me the bird. Message received loud and clear, Mr. Parker. I hate you.

18. DeMeco was all over the field, as usual. But it's not good when he's making 90% of his tackles ten (10) yards downfield.

19. Zac Diles racked up a ton of tackles, but I wasn't overly impressed with him. Still, that's worlds better than Morlon Greenwood. Remember when I called him "the most underrated defensive player in the NFL?" Dumbassery like that is why people don't take blogs seriously. Hey, X-Factor--get healthy already!

20. Fred Bennett looked like Petey Faggins yesterday.

21. Jacques Reeves looked surprisingly decent yesterday.

22. Any time the middle of the field looks like you could land an airplane in it, the safeties are not doing their jobs. Demps and Brown might as well have been on the sidelines for all the good they did. Is that on them, or is it on Richard Smith? I'll reserve judgment for now.

23. Fake Game Balls: Offense--Andre Johnson; Defense--Mario Williams; Special Teams--Matt Turk.

24. Finally, I just want to share a few thoughts on my trip to the Steel City. My buddy had warned me how much the Steelers meant to the city, how dedicated their fans were, how it was a different place than Houston. I'm here to tell you that whatever you've heard about how passionate Steelers fans are, multiply it by ten. You go to a city that boasts an NFL team the day before the game, and maybe you'll see a sign or two in a storefront; maybe you'll see a local wearing some gear. What you won't see is 80% of the population wearing some sort of team paraphernalia on a non-game day. Yet that's exactly what I saw in Pittsburgh, everywhere I went. The city is absolutely devoted to that team. To say I was amazed is an understatement.

And lest you think Steeler Nation is full of over-the-top pricks, let me say this: I could not have been treated any better as an opposing fan during my time in Pittsburgh. Granted, perhaps a Browns fan wouldn't be afforded that same respect. But I was, and it stuck with me. I got some good-natured ribbing (e.g., a dude wearing a Jack Lambert jersey telling me I had "big balls wearing a Texans shirt in this town"), but it was all in fun. The disastrous game aside, I have nothing but good things to say about Pittsburgh and their fans. They're first class, and they should be proud.

In less than a week, the Ravens come to town for the Texans' home opener. It goes without saying that this is a gigantic game for the good guys. Baltimore features an offense, a rookie QB, and a stout defense that should provide plenty of opportunity for redemption. Time to answer the bell, boys.