Battle Red Onion

Battle Red Onion: Texans Fans, Bloggers, Plot Revenge Against Football Gods for Injuries

by UprootedTexan on Dec 8, 2011 8:30 AM CST in Battle Red Onion

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December 7, 2011

Houston, Texas

This is unquestionably the greatest season in Houston Texans history, but it has come at a very high price. First Arian Foster missed the first few games of the season with a hamstring injury. Then Andre Johnson's hamstring held him out for an extended period. Mario Williams, Darryl Sharpton, Matt Schaub, and Matt Leinart are all done for the year, and that's not even including the players who didn't even get to play a single meaningful snap before landing on an injured reserve list that would overwhelm even the largest triage center.

And now Brett Hartmann has joined the M*A*S*H unit forming on the Texans' sideline after tearing his ACL on Reliant Stadium's unreliable turf. That injury comes in a game that also saw Brian Cushing go down with an injury, though he came back later in the game, Andre Johnson hurting his OTHER hamstring, and Jason Allen "getting dinged" in the fourth quarter against the Falcons.

For Texans fans, Hartmann's injury was the last straw, and their collective rage quickly turned against Matut, the Football God of Injuries and their minds to revenge.

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Battle Red Onion: Texans Make Unconventional Hire to Fill Depleted Quarterback Corps

by UprootedTexan on Nov 28, 2011 9:00 AM CST in Battle Red Onion

T.J. "Matt" Yates will save us all. Right? Right?!?!

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

November 28, 2011

Jacksonville, Florida

Just as suddenly as it began, the Matt Leinart Era in Houston came to an end. Leinart, 28, suffered a season-ending collarbone injury just before the end of the first half of the Texans' game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. With Leinart done for the year, the Texans now face starting either rookie quarterback T.J. Yates or newly-signed free agent Kellen Clemens to carry the Texans to their first playoff appearance in franchise history.

Or do they?

According to an anonymous source from within the Texans organization, general manager Rick Smith has already hired a quarterback who could see playing time as soon as next week's tilt against the Atlanta Falcons.

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Battle Red Onion: Texans Bloggers Listed As Probable For Posting This Week

by UprootedTexan on Nov 1, 2011 9:00 AM CDT in Battle Red Onion

The BRB medical staff are fully prepared to combat the Boselliosis outbreak with...with...um...yeah.

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

October 31, 2011

Houston, Texas

Andre Johnson and Mario Williams already fell to it. James Casey and Danieal Manning have been its victim. Sunday, Darryl Sharpton became the latest player to succumb to it. While it's a common ailment among football players, it rarely affects the general population.

This is one of those rare times. Early Monday afternoon, the Centers for Disease Control announced a level three outbreak of a pathogen commonly found in the football world; Texanus Boselliosis, otherwise known as the "injury bug". CDC investigators have found a rogue strain of Boselliosis among writers for "Battle Red Blog," a blog about the Houston Texans and, for some inexplicable reason, Zima.

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Battle Red Onion: Texans Wide Receiver Haunted By Mysterious Specter

by UprootedTexan on Oct 12, 2011 9:40 PM CDT in Battle Red Onion

Geez, Jacoby, you look like you've seen a ghost or something!

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Garbage Since 2010

October 12, 2011

Houston, Texas

Texans wide receiver Jacoby Jones played like a man possessed on Sunday; and not in a good way. The New Orleans native was held to one catch out of 11 passes thrown his way. While Texans fans have grown tired of his butter fingers and his knack for getting key fumbles, Some sources suggest that last week's performance may not have been entirely his fault.

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Battle Red Onion: NFL Suspends Officiating Crew for "Tripping On The Job"

by UprootedTexan on Oct 4, 2011 6:01 AM CDT in Battle Red Onion

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010

October 3, 2011

Houston, Texas

When the clock ran down to zero at the end of the tilt between the Houston Texans and Pittsburgh Steelers, the happiest person to get off the field on Sunday was referee Clete Blakeman. He, along with his crew of linesmen and field judges, ran off the field and away from the wrath of a crowd of angry Texans fans.

While they had escaped a potential mob scene in the stadium, Blakeman and company knew the other shoe had yet to drop. And Roger Goodell chose his heaviest iron boots to drop on them today. Blakeman and his crew have been suspended indefinitely for calling the game while under the influence of controlled substances.

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Battle Red Onion: Shaun Cody To Undergo Risky Surgery

by UprootedTexan on Sep 22, 2011 6:01 AM CDT in Battle Red Onion

Pictured Above: Shaun Cody. Not Pictured Above: A Legitimate Nose Tackle

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September 21, 2011

Houston, Texas

There comes a point in every football player's career where that player realizes that his time on the football field won't last forever. Around this time, players will usually do one of two things. They'll either redouble their efforts and become an even greater player, or they'll simply fade from the league and from the memory of the average football fan. After another terrible day at the office and years of abuse by fans and bloggers alike, Texans nose tackle Shaun Cody found himself standing at those very crossroads.

"I didn't think I wanted more than what I already had," said the 28-year-old Cody, "but I do. I want to become one of the all-time greats." However nice a sentiment, Cody has not exactly been known for being motivated to do anything, let alone improving as a player, and Canton is not building a "famous lumps o' wood" wing to the Hall of Fame anytime soon. For most people, that would be a problem, but Cody found a way of getting around doing the hard work necessary for improvement.

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Battle Red Onion: Trauma Counselors On Hand at Reliant Stadium For Unexpected Reason

by UprootedTexan on Sep 14, 2011 8:00 AM CDT in Battle Red Onion

Kerry Collins, before he returned to his life as a rambling, drunken hobo.

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September 13, 2011

Houston, Texas

It was like something out of a dream for Texans fans at Reliant Stadium last Sunday. As the final whistle blew and the score went into the record books, it seemed like the impossible had happened. The Texans had stomped the life out of the Indianapolis Colts, 34-7. While the game seemed dream-like for fans of the local team, it looked more like a nightmare for the Colts players; one that they have been reliving over and over again, long after the game ended.

As the game ended and fans exited the stadium, the Texans' cadre of expert grief counselors, on retainer since the Ravens game last season, were on hand to give their usual comforting and solace. Except this week, the fans weren't the ones lining up to lay down on a therapist's couch. Their destination was the visiting team's locker room.

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