The(awesome)Texans vs. The(shitty)Cowboys

Imagine this: A ninja is dressed in all white riding a motorcycle with flames shooting out of the back of it while making out with a smoking hot model and simultaneously sending a text message t9 style to Puff Daddy. Do you know what the football equivalent to that is? The Governor's cup.

Here's a quick history lesson on the Governor's cup. (As far as I know, all of this is cold hard fact) The Governor's cup was melded from the liquified bones of Jesus Christ and a magical golden wizard in the late 1100's. Every war you have ever read about in school was started because of man's undying lust to own the Governor's cup. The Chinese possessed it for awhile, they built the great wall of China to keep the Mongolian's away. The East Germans had possession of the cup for a brief period and wanted to keep the West Germans away so they built the Berlin wall to help protect it. The West Germans got so pissed they ripped down the wall with their bare hands. Hitler had the cup for a while. He found out the Jews wanted it so he created the Holocaust. It was believed to have been buried in Egypt but Brendan Frasier and a librarian excavated it (and suffered the wrath of a mummy sworn to protect it). And now? Now they use it coronate the Champions of the Solar System. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Houston Texans.

The Texans manhandled the Dallas Cowboys today, 28-16, to claim their rightful position as the Governor's Cup Champions and subsequently Champions of the Solar System. It's a good thing too because, as everyone knows, the last time the Cowboys had the Governor's Cup the Gulf War started and 1,000 puppies died. The details of the game are inconsequential but if you're into that type of stuff you should know:

1. Jacoby Jones can run as fast as a cheetah. (2 touchdowns including a 91 yard punt return for a touchdown.)
2. Gary Kubiak was "excited about the way [they] came out"
3. Matt Schaub has cool eyebrows.
4. Mario Williams earned his first pick status with one sack. If you still don't think this was the right choice let me ask you this: How many sacks do Reggie Bush and Vince Youg have? I rest my case.
5. Sage Rosenfels is the greatest quarterback ever. (One touchdown pass)
6. I got hungry and ate some pretzels right after the third quarter.
7. I think we had about 15 interceptions or whatever.

The most important thing is that we have the Governor's Cup and the Dallas Cowboys do not. Sleep easy tonight Texans fans (and soldiers and puppies). There will be no Gulf Wars started as long as Sage Rosenfels has something to say about it.