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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Sunday's Game

Last week, I really wasn't right about anything. Unless you count the part about JaMarcus Russell being incompetent, which is a universal truth that I shouldn't get credit for parroting. Can I do better this week? Probably not, but I've never let repeated public failure stop me before, and I'm not going to start now. Three (3) things sure to happen on Sunday afternoon in Arizona when your Houston Texans take the field:

1. Matt Schaub will outplay Kurt Warner, and it's going to be because Steve Slaton has more success than Beanie Wells does. Arizona has been awful against the pass, though we should temper that point by noting that Houston is somehow ranked ninth against the pass in the same rankings, and there's not a reasonable Texans fan alive who really believes this secondary is better than 22 other teams. I'm calling another 300 yard passing day for Schaub (314 to be exact), featuring 3 TDs and 1 INT. Slaton, meanwhile, is going to bust a TD run of his own and finish with 82 yards rushing.

2. Larry Fitzgerald's going to explode for 2 TDs and Anquan Boldin will add one of his own. Together, they will forcefully remind us that Arizona is a far cry from Oakland. Silver lining: Dunta Robinson gets his first INT of the season.

3. From the Department of Leaps of Faith: Connor Barwin gets his first sack as a professional football player. From the Department of Much More Likely Things To Occur: Mario Williams, hurt shoulder and all, adds two (2) sacks of his own.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Yes, it will be a shootout. It's going to be great fun to watch, as long as you can deal with the fact that the Texans' defense is going to get smoked for touchdowns a handful of times. In fact, I'm predicting overtime. Where, unfortunately, the Cardinals will win the coin flip and then win the game. Texans 31, Cardinals 34.

That, or the entire Texans squad is struck by Ebola and perishes before kickoff. One or the other.