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The Perfect Stereotypical Texans Game


Alternate picture: Sally Field as Sybil Dorsett.

Two stat lines tell about 95% of the game.  First:

Houston Comp Att Yds Pct Y/A Sack YdsL TD INT Rating
M. Schaub 25 39 357 64.1 9.2 0 0 4 0 127.8


I took the liberty of highlighting what I believe are the most important stats up there.  Second:

Tennessee Rush Yds Avg. Lng TD FumL
C. Johnson 16 197 12.3 91 2 0


I'm going to leave off Chris Johnson's 87 yards receiving.

The difference between our spanking last week and a win this week was simply Matt Schaub staying upright.  Nothing else was different.

Defensively, we are a nightmare.  We gave up 449 yards today a week after allowing the Jets to pound us for 462.  Last year, the Jets averaged 331 yards/game and the BE-SFs 314.  Yes, we have been abused by two poor offenses.  The Jets hung a more expected 254 on the Pats today.

We won today despite our defense, not because of what they accomplished.  Even Vodka Collins' fumble was accidental, not because of a great hit (if you didn't see, Collins attempted to dribble the ball downfield a la Matt Nordgren).  Our defense is still vagina soft, and we even lacked the blitzing aggressiveness we at least tried against the Jets.  Not only is the defense still sorry, but we seem to be regressing under Frank Bush.  Fred Bennett, especially, has become a pathetic shell of himself.  Two pieces of good news on defense.

John Busing seems to have become the man at strong safety, which is also kinda scary considering he couldn't find playing time for three years with the Bungles.  BUT, he's still an upgrade over Dominique Barber, and Busing was all over the field in the second half.  Barber appears to be the one who blew the coverage on the "Chris Johnson is invisible!" play.

And Brian Cushing is improving, especially his tackling.  However, as well as he plays against the run, the problematic reverse corollary is he's equally bad against the pass. He had a tough time covering Alge Crumpler, which is just mind boggling.

462, 449, and we have one sack all Super Mario, of course.  Just three turnovers (and, really, only two created).  So much for our new and improved defense.

Offensively, our run game is worrisome, though we have faced two good run defenses in the Jets and BE-SFs.  Steve Slaton's Reggie Bush-esque numbers are painful to see.  Outside of this, our offense looks like a JUGGERNAUT.  Today, Schaub reminded me of the time I watched Dr. DeBakey perform open heart surgery.  The offensive line did a solid job keeping Schaub's uniform clean, and Owen Daniels and, of course, Andre Johnson both stepped up with huge games.  Jacoby Jones is now averaging 31 yards/catch over the last two years (too bad it's just five receptions), but his touchdown (and it was, Steve Tasker, you little bitch) catch was a thing of beauty.

On special teams, Kris Brown was perfect (as usual) and the aforementioned Jacoby, after not dropping a damn thing all year, decided to botch a punt.  We got mighty damn lucky on the call.

This game was a perfectly played Texans game.  It was a stereotype.  Piss-poor defense, dominating offense, and a "fumble" by Jacoby.  It's your 2008 Texans in 2009.

Next week, we get the Jacksonville Jaguars, a team that failed to stop the juggernaut that is the Kurt Warner experience.  Warner didn't take a single sack.  If the Jaguars are equally unable to pressure Schaub, another shoot-out is in the works.