You may not know this, but your Houston Texans have just run out to the best start in franchise history. Seriously. I mean it. Now that our team has started drinking from the well of awesome, we're bound to have a whole bunch of new fans around these parts. Some of our newfound friends may not know too much about the Texans, and quite a few people may find BRB's unique culture a little hard to understand. With you, the n00by, in mind, I've drafted the following helpful primer on how to act like you've been a fan the whole time. Keep these simple steps in mind the next time you're talking to your friends, and everyone will think you've been in on the deal from Day One.
First off, it is crucial that any author who plans on writing below the jump make some kind of witty play on the word "jump" in the last sentence before the jump. So, let's take the advice of that crowd of people chanting up at the suicidal guy on the window ledge of a building and get ready to...
Ok. Now that we've picked ourselves up off the street and dusted ourselves off, let's start with the basics.
RULE NUMBER ONE - WHEN IN DOUBT, COMPLAIN.
Remember - our franchise has sucked for so long that our mood switches are stuck on "Negative." You simply can't forget this - it's crucial to being a true Texans fan. If you've only ever followed the Texans since they became the all-conquering .500 team of the Kubiak Era, you run the risk of occasionally being pleased with the Texans play. Don't fall into this trap - you will expose yourself as a front-runner.
For example - if our beloved team has just laid waste to, say, a team from the NFC that isn't expected to win more than four games, the following is NOT an appropriate response:
Wow. We looked really good out there today. I think this team has a chance.
This will get you run out of town faster than Marvin Zindler out of a whorehouse. In order to appear authentic, you must say something like:
Dear sweet Durga on a platter! We totally took our foot off the gas and allowed [insert team name here] to hold us to 236 total yards and 17 points in the second half. Not since our last win has a victory seemed more like a defeat.
RULE NUMBER TWO - OPTIMISM IS YOUR ENEMY.
This is closely related to Rule Number One. In fact, I suspect Rule Number One may be some kind of weird Freudian coping mechanism that springs from this rule. One of the many unique things about the Texans is their ability to sense when fan expectations are highest and disappoint. As proof, one need look no further than the Dallas game in Week Three. Or, if you think about it, either of the two Colts games from last year, either of the two Jags games, the Monday Night Football debacle against the Titans, or last year's Cards game. In fact, now that I think about it, not only is optimism your enemy, both Kris and Chris Brown are as well.
If there is one thing the Texans are very good at, it is finding increasingly crueler ways to destroy the feelings of their fans. Taking all of this suffering on while not killing all of your family, friends and co-workers is the true measure of a Texans fan. Want to get some respect for being a Texans fan? Mention that time that Vince Young scrambled 3,956 yards at the end of the game to beat the Texans. That should do the trick.
RULE NUMBER THREE - MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.
Have you ever tried to tell someone outside of Houston that you're a Texans fan? Do you like the way you feel when you see the look on their face? That's why, in order to survive as a Texans fan when things were really bad, we turned to alcohol. And when alcohol ceased to be effective, we turned to humor. Acceptable targets for humor include, but are not limited to: David Carr, Darcy Maeda, Seth Wand, Phillip Buchanon, Matt Stevens, Charley Casserley, Dom Capers, the Houston Chronicle (more on this later) and Tony Boselli.
Other acceptable targets include: how funny it is that so many people hated the Cushing pick, Travis Johnson, Anthony Weaver, Petey Faggins, Dunta Robinson, Richard Smith, Frank Bush, Eugene Wilson and Rhonda Kubiak. Basically, anyone is fair game. Except for Ben Tate. You don't want Kerns going Code Red on your ass.
RULE NUMBER FOUR - THOU SHALT NOT LIKE THE CHRONICLE.*
The main reason for this can be summarized by the following four words and one number: Little Dicky Justice, Age 12. For those of you who don't know who he is, consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us, he's a nuisance until you reach the Zen-like state of not giving a shit about him. Little Dicky Justice, Age 12, is a curious case. He manages to somehow lack both writing ability and analytical skill, yet is somehow still employed by the only major newspaper in town. He has a mancrush on Vince Young that makes MDC's mancrush on that Michigan quarterback guy look like pure hatred. Only slightly better (if mass counts for anything) is Pancakes McClain, (un)Official Team Stenographer for your Houston Texans.
*Except for Steph Stradley, Lance Zierlein and occasionally Jerome Solomon.
RULE NUMBER FIVE - NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, VINCE YOUNG SUCKS.
Always and forever. Doesn't matter if he somehow manages to reverse the aging process and win the next 400 Super Bowls, Vince Young will always suck. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron whose opinion is null and void (see Little Dicky Justice, Age 12, above). There are a few reasons for this, and some of them are even factual. For example, he has an IQ of somewhere around 2 (rounding up). And, he plays for the BE-SFs (wondering who they are? If you were a true fan, you'd know!). But most importantly, Vince Young is the messiah to a cult of people who believe that he is so godly that his tears cure cancer and he can walk on water shirtless while drinking Patron straight from the bottle. We call these people Vince Young Fanboys and they still believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that somehow Vince Young would have been a better pick for the Texans than Mario Williams. These people are worth nothing more than your pity.
Anyway. If you want to be a true fan, you must develop the ability to rationalize away any success VY has. Did he throw for 342 yards, 5 TDs and no interceptions? Well, my grandma could throw for at least 200 with that offensive line. Did he lead his team on a game-winning drive with two minutes left and no timeouts? That's what happens when you have Chris Johnson in the backfield. Did he kick five field goals, net 68 yards punting and perform CPR on a fan in the stands during the two-minute warning? You could too if you had the Titans' defense. Or perhaps it was steroids.
I think this pretty much covers the basics of Texans fandom. Let's turn our attention to this little corner of the internet, mmkay?
A BRIEF GUIDE TO BATTLE RED BLOG, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE TASTE OF CLOROX.
To the newcomer, I'm sure this little corner of the internet can seem pretty intimidating. Don't worry, gentle reader. With my handy hints, you too can de-lurk and jump right into the fray, sounding like you've been here the whole time.
First and foremost, you must learn the lingo. Don't know what a BE-SF is? Well, you can find out! At some point in the sordid history of this blog, someone took the trouble to catalog a lot of the terms and inside jokes commonly used in these parts. His efforts were so appreciated that a militia of beautiful women scoured the globe, seeking to have his children. World peace became a reality. Statues were erected in his honor in Albania and Lesotho. There were rumors of a Nobel Peace Prize.
But I digress. Before making your mark in this little corner of the internets, first time users should check out the glossary. Live it, learn it, love it. Commit it to memory. Just don't mention that it needs updating because I'm pretty sure the author knows that.
Battle Red Blog had humble beginnings. If I understand correctly, it came into being after Tim and this guy Scott that no one's ever seen got hammered on Zima in the back seat of Scott's Prius. This is how I'm told it happened.
In the early years, there were only seven posters, and three of them were bfd and/or his sock puppets. Eventually Jordann joined. Membership spiked not long after that as people joined, drawn to his thick, luscious hair like moths to a flame.
Eventually BRB snapped up what little blogging talent there is in the Texans blogosphere, adding such hacks writers as bfd, MDC, Rivers, Kerns and TexansDC. Essentially, this left Diehard Chris as the only independent, non-corporate voice in the Texans blogosphere. I understand he's planning on selling out in the fall of 2012.
Another thing to know is that this blog exists in a big city called SBNation. Inside that city, there's a little neighborhood called the AFC South. Let me tell you a little bit about our neighborhood.
Imagine if you will a large house. The front and backyard are immaculately maintained with exotic plants and tree sculptures. The house is huge but, oddly enough, there aren't a lot of people inside, which is a shame, because the interior looks like someone spent a lot of time on it. A playlist consisting of Gloria Gaynor, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Cher and Lady Gaga plays on repeat. Outside the house a horde of angry people are shouting at the owner, who pretends not to notice but when he thinks nobody is looking, he sobs and sobs until "I Will Survive" comes on the speakers. This is Stampede Blue, our local Indianapolis Colts blog. We have lots of ex-Stampede Blue people kicking around these parts and they're good folk.
Now imagine a house, more of a shack, really. The owners seem cool enough, but the people that are inside the house are kinda strange. On the one hand, they can barely read. They try to be clever, but they can't really get it down due to poor grammar, punctuation and questionable logic skills. They're kind of touchy and they really don't talk to us very much. Also, everyone has the worst teeth for some odd reason. This is Music City Miracles, the SBNation Titans affiliate.
And finally, we come to a house that seems filled with cool people who are easy to get along with. There's not a lot of them, and they're not a particularly confident bunch. Every few minutes they look outside the house to see if any moving vans are coming towards them. Nonetheless, they're pretty decent folk. They might talk a little smack, but it's all in good fun and they take it as well as they give it. Welcome to Big Cat Country, a blog for all things Jacksonville Jaguars. Enjoy them while they're here, because they may not be for long.
I think that pretty much wraps it up. Follow the guidelines I've outlined here and you'll at least be able to convince your friends and co-workers that you've always been there for the Texans. Just don't forget to burn that Vince Young jersey in your closet.