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Deep Steel Blueprint: The One Where I Try To Get Inside Kubiak's Head...

"Hey! You get out of my head! You won't understand the genius of Gary Wayne Kubiak!"
"Hey! You get out of my head! You won't understand the genius of Gary Wayne Kubiak!"

Your 4-4 Houston Texans will be making their way to Jacksonville, Florida this weekend for a game against their doppelgängers - the Jacksonville Jaguars. For the winner? A week where 5-4 leads people to hang on by a thread to their dreams of a dark-horse wild card run. The loser? They'll be talking about why Coach Del Rio/Kubiak deserves to be fired and figuring out who to draft in April.

Fans know what they get when they talk Texans-Jaguars: A week where BRB is graced by the lovely presence of Jonathan Loesche, Alfie Crow, and the crew from Big Cat Country, a lot of lively trash talk and commiserating between BRB and BCC, a see-saw 60 minute game filled with halfback passes and porous secondaries, and Houston playing for a loud crowd of 10 at The Bank. I keed, I keed...we all know it's more like five frenzied folks furiously fortifying the feelings of their faction.

Back to the matter at hand, the Jaguars are Houston's doppelgängers because they have won close, lost big, had their hopes raised by a home victory over Indianapolis, played inconsistently, have a terrible secondary, and are roasting marshmallows over the open flames emanating from their coach's hot-seat. This Sunday, both groups of fans will blindly step onto the latest roller coaster concocted by their beloved team with uncertainty of what to expect and a large amount of looming disappointment near their hearts.

Below the leap of faith, I attempt to stay amused with the writing of game previews by stepping into the head of three-time Super Bowl ring wearer Gary Wayne Kubiak as he prepares for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

You know, sometimes it's hard to focus on game film and statistical analysis when my three rings are sparkling with the glint from Reliant Energy's wondrous light. This is why people shouldn't question my football intelligence or doubt me when I say it's all on me. No one in this entire organization brings the credentials I do, and no one has my IQ for football that can prepare the guys for victory. I battled and fought for my rings. I'm Super Bowl material, baby. That's how I earned my extension. Ol' Bob has envy for the jewelry...that's all on me.

Where was I? Ah, the Jaguars. Yes...those pesky thorns in my side. The ruiners of my brilliant halfback pass. The confirmers of the failure that was the Rex Grossman Reclamation Project. The wearers of teal. I gotta outsmart that Jack Del Rio like I typically evidenced by my brilliant 4-4 all-time record against Jacksonville (Writer's note: Another .500 record? At least he's consistent).

My West Coast Offense has grown leaps and bounds beyond my mentor's offense. Poor Papa Mike...he's gone through so much these past two weeks with that lazy quarterback of his. Luckily, I have Matt Schaub, and he's a battlefighter. Who wouldn't put the ball, the game, and their job security in Matt's golden arm 30+ times? I mean, he is accurate and can really sling it around like I used to back at Texas A&M University. God bless those Aggies.

My offense should have no trouble at all with the Jacksonville defense. They have one of the worst secondaries in the league, on par with our own. Unlike us, they aren't starting young guys, so they must really suck. I mean, my young guys are gonna get better, so we're much better than JDR's group. Hmm...they have two more sacks than our guys...maybe I ought to see what their secret is to be 21st in sacks. Bob only knows we keep trying guys off the street to fix our issues with the pass rush. God, I miss Connor Barwin.

Back on track, if their major weakness is pass defense, then I should attack them where they don't expect it - their 21st ranked rush defense. Yet, Arian Foster is really good, and they'll be expecting us to run at them. Hmm...I should play-action heavily in this game or, or, or...OH! LIGHTBULB! I'll throw some halfback passes with Arian. They'll expect run, I'll play into that expectation, and then hit them with passes when they've been caught with their pants down. Maybe Arian can hit Matt out of the backfield! They'll never see it coming! Gary, you ol' city slicker...that's just genius. Goodell should ban me from game-planning because it's so unfair.

Defensively, this is the week that Frank [Bush] and Bill [Kollar] should shine. David Garrard? Heh, he shows up every other week, unlike my team who shows up every other half. He had a career day in Dallas, which means he's great since Dallas is the measuring stick, but they are statistically and visually similar to Kansas City's low-ranked pass offense, what with an inconsistent, mediocre quarterback who has one legitimate wide receiver (Mike Sims-Walker) and a tight end who is having a good season, and we won that game. Now that I mentioned tight ends, I do wish I had TE Marcedes Lewis because he's been outstandingly awesome, but we'll let him catch those short passes and tackle him before they move the sticks. Don't give up the big play, and we succeed.

We really gotta focus on Maurice Jones-Drew. We have got to tackle that waterbug because he's part of the reason why Jacksonville's eighth in rushing. Hmm, maybe I should sell out to stop the pass because they think I'm coming for MJD, so they'll try to pass to catch me napping. Instead of forcing Garrard to win the game like everyone else would do, I'll force MJD to beat me because Gary Wayne Kubiak plays into no man's hands! NO MAN, I TELL YOU! I battlefight every week to stay three steps ahead of everyone.

Special teams? Now that I went with Jacoby Jones...I don't need to worry about it. We make our kicks, we cover returns well, and Jacoby does a better job than Steve Slaton. Poor Stevey, man, that kid battled and fought his way back from injury. It's really on me that he struggled in the return game. I asked him to do too much in returning. Perhaps I should give him another try...hmm, maybe. We'll see how it goes in practice. A good week of practice, and I'll give that kid a chance. if he battles and fights for it. Wait...Practice? Crap! I'm late...maybe no one will notice if I'm not there to help get the guys prepared...what's the worst that could happen?

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