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Three And Out (Christmas Edition): Useless Predictions For Sunday's Game

From all of us here at BRB, here's hoping you and yours are having a joyous holiday season. Fortunately for those of us who have a running schtick to maintain, the spirits don't take Christmas off. Jacob Marley Tony Boselli stole my wallet visited me last night, all Dickensian-like, and pledged that I'd be visited by three (3) ghosts of Texans fandom before the sun came up on Christmas morning.

Note that I didn't say THE three ghosts of Texans fandom, as we all know that there are far more than three ghosts in this franchise's history. Nevertheless, after I told Boselli to get out of my house, I was in fact visited by three ghosts.  Or at least I think they were ghosts...they could very well have been Bushmills-inspired night terrors.  Their ominous predictions await you after the jump.

1. I was first visited by The Ghost of Vic Fangio. After I, though tears, apologized for ever complaining about his prowess as a defensive coordinator (having seen what Richard Smith and Frank Bush can do), Fangio promised me that the 2011 Houston Texans would feature a new defensive coordinator. He went on to say that Gary Kubiak would be retained as head coach of your Houston Texans in 2011, provided the Texans did not lay another egg like the one that was expelled in Nashville last week in their last two games.  Frank Bush would be the scapegoat for everything that went wrong this year, Fangio said, and Kubes would get one more shot at showing he was the man who could lead the Texans to the postseason. At this point, I made myself another drink.

2. Next, The Ghost of Tony Hollings appeared to me. Initially, Hollings seemed far more interested in trying to borrow money from me than enlightening me about the fate of the NFL franchise that once took him in the second round of the supplemental draft. Once I successfully explained that, while I was totally sure he was good for it, I simply didn't have any cash on me and thus couldn't spot him anything, Hollings finally told me that your Houston Texans should pray that Jamaal Charles' new contract will be a comparable model for the deal Arian Foster will chase this offseason. If not, Hollings warned (as he rifled through my couch cushions for spare change), the Texans would have no choice but to slap the franchise tag on their free-agent-to-be running back.

3.  After Hollings vanished in nearly identical fashion to that of his football career, The Ghost of Charley Casserly materialized. He quickly got to work, splashing gasoline around my house and lighting it aflame, cackling at my pleas for him to stop.  As we stood there, watching everything I owned dance in the flames he created, he remarked that I was now more like Bob McNair than I would ever be. "Very well," I lamented.  "What bit of Texans-related enlightenment are you here to share?"  Casserly responded by telling me that he was stunned Rick Smith had managed to escape any real scrutiny this season, considering the gaping talent holes that existed throughout much of the Houston defense...particularly the secondary.  Casserly said, "Say what you will about me and what I did to your beloved franchise, but even I never forced Texans fans to suffer through witnessing a secondary as wretched as this one."  I nodded and, before I was through vomiting, Casserly was gone.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Finally, in my hour of greatest need, Durga herself appeared to me. "Durga," I cried. "I'm a broken man. The Texans have taken nearly everything I hold dear. Please, for the love of you, tell me will the Texans fare against the Broncos?" Durga gazed lovingly at me and said, "Dude...the Texans are going to be sans Andre Johnson. Or at least they should be, as it makes no sense to risk his long-term health in a meaningless game. So, you've got no 'Dre, and you're facing a quarterback who inspired this image. You're screwed. Texans 23, Broncos 27."

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