I hope this letter finds you well. How could you not be well? You are, after all, richer than Croesus. The family and I are doing well over here, although my kids are a little frisky of late and have this annoying tendency to blow snot rockets at each other during dinner.
Anyway. Enough small talk. Let's get down to brass tacks here. I didn't really write you to tell you about my kids or how rich you are. I wrote to you because I have this really good idea that just occurred to me that I really want to share with you. It's about your favorite NFL team and mine, the Texans. I really hope you hear me out on this idea, Bob, because I'm sure this idea could really make the team a lot better. Are you ready?
Good. Let's do like Scott Bakula and take a quantum leap across the jump and get to business.
Still with me? Awesome. Ok, Bob, I'm going to let 'er rip. Here's my great idea:
Fire Frank Bush. Right now.
Now I know this may sound radical and I'm sure you're getting a case of the vapors right now, Bob. But it really shouldn't. Here's the thing, Bob. You just extended Gary's contract. He's a decent head coach and a pretty brilliant offensive mind, in my opinion. There are a lot of people out there, myself included, who wouldn't mind it if Gary was shown the door. But I understand, you're committed to him. He's a good man, an honorable man. He has improved this franchise tremendously over the previous coaching and management. So while I would be ok with you shipping him, I understand that you won't.
And we really do have a very good offense, Bob. We truly do. According to some metrics, we have the second best offense in the NFL right now. The second best! That's quite an accomplishment, isn't it?
Bob, we have problems on defense. Serious problems. You remember that site I linked to a few sentences ago? Well, according to those fine gentlemen, we are in the mix to have the worst defense in NFL history. You read that right, Bob. The worst defense in NFL history. Worse than those godawful Bucs teams from like 1969 - 2004. Worse than those Detroit teams that drafted wide receivers like you draft tight ends. Worse than the Texans defense in the early years. Can you believe it, Bob? All those high draft picks, and our defense may not be as good as Alabama's.
Now some people might argue this is due to a lack of talent. I don't agree. It's not like we're getting our talent from the Salvation Army or Goodwill or anything. (Side note: my senior year in college, my roommates and I bought a couch and recliner from Goodwill. It was cheap, but quality!) Hell, we don't even have Petey Faggins anymore (thanks for that, by the way). If talent was all that mattered, we'd probably have an average to slightly below average defense. But we don't. We have a coach who actually makes are players worse. Not just a little bit, but to the point where they may go down as the worst in history.
I know you don't like to change horses in midstream. Your loyalty to your people is truly something to be proud of, and something that separates you from that carpetbagger with the store-bought chin up there in Southern Oklahoma. I manage a fairly small team of people myself, and while we don't play football (although I have a couple of soccer players and one guy who plays cricket) I think it's important to be loyal to your staff. To a point.
However, if one of my staff was so unbelievably negligent at his job that it continually cost our team to the point where we could no longer complete our mission (and who seemed to refuse to learn from his mistakes), I would shitcan the guy with a quickness. Oh, I'd try to be nice about it and all, but at the end of the day, our team (or yours) has a job to accomplish. And if someone has shown that they can't or won't learn how to do their part, they shouldn't be a part of the team.
So, I politely suggest that you fire Frank Bush. Today. You have another nine days or so to prepare for your next opponent. That's enough for your new coach to come in and start turning things around. You know what the kicker is, Bob? The Texans' defense is so laughably bad that you don't have to worry about the new guy making it worse.
Now I know it may be hard to find suitable replacements at this point in the season. I mean, not anyone would want to coach guys like Mario Williams or BRAIN CRUSHING. With that in mind, and because I don't like to offer criticism without some kind of constructive feedback, I have thought about possible replacements for Frank Bush that will do the job better than he has. Take a look, mull it over. I'm sure some of these guys are willing, and they may come cheap to boot.
Ulysses S Grant
A homeless person
And that's just off the top of my head! I'm sure with a talented GM like Rick Smith you could come up with even more people.
We've been through a lot together, Bob, haven't we? The euphoria of that first win against the Cowboys, the disappointment of, well, almost everything else. Through it all, though, I think it's fair to say that you have represented the city of Houston with class, distinction and a plateful of gut-churning losses. I know that you'll continue to do so, Bob. But I hope you do it without Frank Bush.
In closing, I'd like to wish you and your family the best that the holiday season has to offer and express my hope that you'll seriously consider my modest proposal. I don't think it's too much to ask, and I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that it's way overdue. May Durga continue to bless you and yours.
PS - any way you could shed some light on that rumor about Rhonda getting hammered on eggnog at the holiday party last year and wandering off into a janitor's closet with Matt Turk?