clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Swing Low, Sweet Darryl Sharpton, Comin' For' To Carry Us Home

The Reverend Al Sharpton: Brothers and sisters, I am here today to talk about something afflicting each and every one of us.  I'm here to talk about a PLAGUE sent by Lucifer himself and cast upon you all.  It's a plague that most of you don't even realize that you are suffering from.  Brothers and sisters...I'm talking 'bout Zac Diles.

Congregation: (in unison) On, no! Preach on it!

Sharpton:  Oh, yes, brothers and sisters.  Zac Diles.  The name alone sends chills up my spine.  And I have more to tell you after the jump!

Choir: (singing) Cliiiiick on the juuuuuump.  Cliiiiiick on the juuuuump, children.  Cliiiiiick on the juuuuump.  The jump gonna give you more.

Sharpton:  Amen.  That was lovely.  Now, let me tell you about Zac Diles, who was sent here by the Devil to destroy us.  That Devil, he's sneaky.  He's tricky.  He KNOWS it's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time.

Congregation: It's tricky!

Sharpton: And that Devil, he KNOWS that you, as fans, want to believe in your team.  He knows you'll find ways to justify, rectify, sanctify, and SuperFly anyone in Deep Steel Blue.  Can I get a witness?

Congregation: AMEN!

Sharpton: So, because you WANT to believe, that Devil gives you excuses.  He gets you to say things like "Zac Diles is cost-effective" and "Zac Diles is a good player for a seventh round pick" and "Shut up, didn't you defend Morlon Greenwood?"  You know what I say to that nonsense?

Congregation: What?

Sharpton: I say lynch mobs were cost effective, but that doesn't mean they brought justice.  I say there's a difference between playing weakside linebacker and being the weak part of our defense, and being a seventh-round pick doesn't change that.  I say leave Morlon out of this because I had no idea he was going to be fat and slow two weeks after I said that, and why you gotta keep bringing up old stuff, anyway?

Choir:  Stop bringing up the paaaaaaaaaast!

Sharpton: I say you have got to RISE UP against that Devil.  You have got to tell that Devil, "No! No, I will not be subjected to Zac Diles ANYMORE!  I am frustrated, devastated, and irritated! It's time we were emancipated, talent was celebrated, and Diles' abilities were no longer prevaricated!"

Congregation: Speak, Reverend!

Sharpton: Brothers and sisters, I have good news for you today.  There is a cure.  I SAY there is a cure for the affliction known as Zac Diles.  Do you know what that cure is?

Congregation: JESUS!

Sharpton: No, it's not Jesus.  That wouldn't make any sense at all.  The cure I'm talking about, brothers and sisters, is my nephew, Darryl.

Choir: We're not talkin' 'bout Larry or his other brother Daaaaaaaarryl!  We're not talkin' 'bout Strawberrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy!  We're not even talkin' 'bout Gaaaaaaates or LaMonicaaaaaaa!

Sharpton: No, we aren't.  We are talkin' about Darryl Sharpton, linebacker from...

Congregation: THA U!

Sharpton: That's right! We're talking about 6 feet tall, 235 pounds of high motor!

Choir: Isn't that a euphemism for whiiiiiiiiiiiite?

Sharpton: Not today! No, sir, not today.  We're talking about leading the Hurricanes in tackles last season with 106!

Congregation: Bobby Boucher!

Sharpton: We're talking about good sideline-to-sideline speed, explosive burst, the ability to blitz and to beat running backs to the edge, above-average tackling, good coverage ability, and someone who can deliver a big hit. Best of all--

Choir: Best of allllllll...

Sharpton: --we're talking about someone who is good in the classroom, the lockerroom, and will look good on the TV in your living room!  Oh, sure, we're talking about someone who occasionally bites on a play action, and we're talking about someone who might not be able to bring down Chris Johnson in space, but you know what?

Congregation: What?

Sharpton: I SAID, you know WHAT?!

Congregation: WHAT?

Sharpton: We are talking about someone who can say, "No, Devil, no! I will not LET you torment these poor Texans fans ANY longer with your Diles and your Faggins and your Travis Johnsons!  I will not let you, and I cast you out!"

Choir: Get the HELL out, you Devil! 

Sharpton: Sing it again!

Choir: Get the HELL out, you Devil!

Sharpton: Are we gonna let Zac Diles hurt us anymore?

Congregation: No!

Sharpton: Are we gonna let Darryl show us the way?!

Congregation: Yes!

Sharpton: I can't hear you!

Choir: Say it like you mean it, damn it!  Don't make us come down there!  Don't let these robes fool you!

Congregation:  YES!!

Sharpton: Amen!

Congregation: Amen!

Sharpton: Now let's raise the offering.

[Translation: There's not a ton to say about this pick.  He had a productive career that Tha U, led the team in tackles this past season, and has seen time at ILB and WLB.  He's a big hitter who occasionally tries too hard to lay the wood and fails to wrap up, but doesn't do so often enough to really think it's a flag.

At worst, he'll be a stud on special teams; at best, he'll supplant The Most Cost-Effective Linebacker In NFL History (tm).  His 40 time (4.7ish) was not great, but everything I've read says that he plays much faster than that due to instincts and a tendency to try a little too hard when being timed (keeps him tight, slows him down).  He's undersized, but not undersized enough to play DT for Frank Bush.

What role do I see for him?  Well, to replace TMC-ELINH(tm), Sharpton is going to have to be noticeably better.  He has the tools to do that.  A lot of people seem to think that he hasn't even maxed out his potential yet, which I have to think is a good sign, as he improved by leaps and bounds every year he was on the field at Miami.  If Frank Bush were not a manatee -- which he is -- I think Sharpton would be in the nickel package with DeMeco from Day Uno.  As it is, I think he faces a fight to get regular playing time, barring injury.  This is an indictment of Bush and Co. as much as anything, I suppose.]