[Author's Note: See here for a better explanation of what this is. Or just use some common sense. Whatev.]
Remember back in the day when sitcoms would have "special" episodes that touched on some sort of sensitive issue? The commercials always had a similar voice over trying to dramatize the whole thing, but you knew that "special" roughly translated to "twice as long." In that vein ... BRING IN THE VOICE-OVER GUY!
Today, on a special episode of "Adventures in Idiocy," the remaining members of Team Zima ramble semi-coherently and impose their lack of knowledge on you, the reader. It is a post that you will want to read with your children, assuming you have some. If you don't have kids, then, well, I'm not sure who you should watch with. I mean, if you are DisplacedTexan or Rivers, you could just go upstairs and watch with your mom, I suppose.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
After the jump, tehGrindCrusher, bigfatdrunk, DreKeem, and MDC coat your screen with extra special mental pablum.Join us, won't you?
//bfd's obligatory joke about how I had to hire a voice-over guy because no one wants to hear Mickey Mouse do narration.
Q: Player most likely to be arrested before Thanksgiving (and for what)?
tehGrindCrusher: Matt Turk, for killing punts inside the twenty.
bigfatdrunk: Matt Schaub and Arian Foster conspire to off Kasey Studdard using a spiked bottle of Patron after repeatedly being smothered in the backfield. They are released, however, after the DA drops charges once it's decided the murder was done in self defense.
DreKeem: Brian Cushing. Because I think "overtrained athlete syndrome" is a real and dangerous condition and thus will be ruled illegal by federal courts, with Cush once again violating it.
MDC: Zac Diles, for stealing the hearts of Texans fans with his cost-effective play and his below-average coverage skills. After he is arrested, Houston police run his prints and discover that he is also wanted for the murder of our pass defense inside of ten yards. Because it is Texas, he gets the death penalty.
Q: Assuming Mario Williams gets one sack for each unicorn eaten, the number of unicorns killed in 2010 will be?
bigfatdrunk: 12 unicorns, four QBs, and Felix Jones.
MDC: 11 unicorns and 19 midgets wearing unicorn costumes when Mario can no longer find unicorns. (Total sacks: 20.5, though that number is subject to change if the midget-to-unicorn exchange rate fluctuates in this unstable economy.)
Q: Rank of Texans' defense (in either yardage allowed or points allowed ... your call) during the first four games?
bigfatdrunk: #1!!! according to the Interwebz. In real life? We'll be 21st in points allowed, and Amobi Okoye will still be considered a run-stuffing defender.
DreKeem: 16th in yards allowed, 18th in points allowed.
MDC: Yardage: 15th, Points: 13th (Thanks, Oakland!).
Q: Rank of same over last 12?
DreKeem: 13th in yardage, 14th in points.
MDC: OMG, U WER RONG ABT CUSHING! HES A BAD ASS! ADMIT U WER RONG, H8R!!! HE MAKES UR DEF THE BEST IN THE NFL AN U NO IT!!!!
Q: Fanbase whose trolls are most likely to run away crying and stage a "blogcott" of BRB in 2010?
tehGrindCrusher: This should just be renamed the Music City Miracles award.
bigfatdrunk: There is no way in hell 2010 goes by without more Steve McNair jokes. Panties will be twisted; tears will be shed. [BFD wrote this well before I added certain new tags here and at SBN Houston. He truly is prescient. --MDC]
DreKeem: I could totally see a big bad someone doing this (and succeeding due to overwhelming support from those in power), but he doesn't count as a fanbase. That leaves only Dallas. BE-SFs come in at a close second. VY doesn't lose games. He just wins them.
MDC: I can't imagine that any other group of fans are as touchy as the MCM
hypocrites crew, so it should be fairly hard to get banned for something I write here and inspire an anti-BRB movement in response. That said, if my prayers that Brett Favre gets murdered by an angry Peyton Manning while Favre naps in Kenny Chesney's Nashville apartment, that will definitely change the equation.
Q: Anti-breakout player (i.e., the player who seems most like he could have a good season that will, instead, play like ass):
tehGrindCrusher: Owen Daniels.
bigfatdrunk: Bernard Pollard. Yes, I said that. [Nevermind, he doesn't know shit. --MDC]
DreKeem: Owen Daniels. His snap count will be severely limited for at least the first game and probably more. I think we could begin to see some of the other young TEs on the roster eat into his playing time (it has to happen at some point, right?). I don't think after so many injuries to his lower body and with the Texans playing it safe that he matches pre-injury 09 production.
MDC: Jakespeare. I hate to say it, I really do, but I think we are all ignoring that a number of his TDs last year came on amazingly acrobatic catches that occurred in games where he also fumbled a punt and/or dropped an easily catchable ball. The talent is there, but my man is not all about the concentration. Of course, you would be, too, if mama was in da kitchen goin ham.
Q: Total number of calories ingested by John McClain during his 32 gameday breakfasts?
bigfatdrunk: How many calories are there in a zoo? Small children included.
DreKeem: However many it takes to clog his mind from doing his job. You know, actual reporting. More or less a continuation of his status quo routine.
Q: Number of those calories that come from grapefruit, Grapenuts, or grapes?
bigfatdrunk: 0. You made those words up.
DreKeem: None. Zero.
MDC: 350. Grapenuts are the only thing that keep him regular. Free advice: Do NOT follow that man into the shitter.
Q: Bigger number: Antonio Smith's sack total or Kerns' blog total?
bigfatdrunk: Antonio Smith. Kerns, after signing up to contribute to 18 blogs, has a sudden meltdown. In the aftermath, he blows up the Internet. The Internet is quickly forgotten as a silly fad, thus, blogs no longer exist.
DreKeem: Smith probably beats him in sacks versus total blogs. Blog posts per day, however? Kerns will have a higher per day average than Smith gets sacks.
MDC: Well, it becomes a close race after Kerns registers disrupta.com to chronicle Antonio's on-field play, but Smith pulls it out after Smith sacks David Garrard three times in Week 17.
Q: If losses by fewer than 7 points are 3 times more likely than blowout losses to cause Tim to get blindingly drunk, do you take the over or the under on the number of Scott appearances as 3.5?
tehGrindCrusher: Take the over.
bigfatdrunk: The under. I mean, how can we possibly lose with the BEST DEFENSE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND UNIVERSE EVAR!@!!~~!!~!~!@ONE!!!!
DreKeem: Under. I have a lot of respect for him. He, like me, can never be counted on to show up. Bros for life.
MDC: Tim continues to insist that Scott is a real person. He's even arranged to hire the same actor to play "Scott" when we went to the game in Nashville as well as at Tim's wedding. It's a great attempt to hide that he's the alcoholic-blogger version of Cybill.
Q: Current BRB inside joke least likely to get old before season's end?
tehGrindCrusher: AllenOUing comments.
bigfatdrunk: My continually making fun of the defense.
DreKeem: Er... can I count doggy in the shower as an inside joke? [Dog in the bathtub, young Padawan. --MDC]
Q: Smaller number: Glover Quin's TDs allowed or my number of substantive posts?
tehGrindCrusher: MDC substantive posts, by a final score of 2.3 - 1.75.
bigfatdrunk: Glover Quin - 3. MDC - 0.
DreKeem: Quin's TD numbers. Because I believe in you, MDC, even if no one else does.
MDC: I have no chance in this contest.
Q: And, finally, put your name on it: the ratio of Peyton Manning's sinciput to Texans' wins in 2010 will be:
bigfatdrunk: If measuring the sinciput in varas, the answer is 17.
DreKeem: I had to look up sinciput. 2:1, why not?
MDC: Let's see ... wins ... then divide by 5 ... pi ... mmm, pie ... looks like the answer is 2.4:1.