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Adventures In Idiocy: Team Zima Predicts The Future

After Rivers completed the Community Projections series, he thought it might be a good idea to have a post or two of predictions and projections solely from BRB staff.  Unfortunately, he also thought it might be a good idea to let someone else handle compiling said prognostications, and I volunteered.  I sent the same questions to all of the other short-bus passengers, and I'm going to split the answers into a few posts in order to milk this thing like ... um ... uh ...

(Stupid SBN rules about not posting explicit and vulgar similes.)

Anyway, after the jump, witness WHEN RIVERS AND KERNS ATTACK.

Q: Player most likely to be arrested before Thanksgiving (and for what)?

Rivers: Jacoby Jones, tweeting in such a way that people recognize him as a diva. But not a Terrell Owens level diva.
Kerns: Kris Brown (given that he makes the team). For public intoxication after missing an extra point as regulation ends that would have beaten the Colts. Instead, the Texans fall 23-20 in overtime.

Q:  Assuming Mario Williams gets one sack for each unicorn eaten, the number of unicorns killed in 2010 will be?

Rivers: 14.5. Well, wait, I guess 15 since you really can't kill half a unicorn.
Kerns: 11. Would have been 12, but he wanted to keep one to race on.

Q: Rank of Texans' defense (in either yardage allowed or points allowed...your call) during the first four games?

Rivers: 19th.
Kerns: 22nd.

Q: Rank of same over last 12?

Rivers: 14th.
Kerns: 18th (2nd best defense in TEAM HISTORY!!!!).

Q: Fanbase whose trolls are most likely to run away crying and stage a "blogcott" of BRB in 2010?

Rivers: Jets. Going with the sleepers.
Kerns: The Titans. Because when the "Beware of VY Fan Boys" sequel comes out, things are going to get ugly.

Q: Anti-breakout player (i.e., the player who seems most like he could have a good season that will, instead, play like ass)?

Rivers: You didn't name this the Amobi Okoye award? Duane Brown.
Kerns: Steve Slaton. I just think the guy is done.

Q: Total number of calories ingested by John McClain during his 32 gameday breakfasts?

Rivers: John McClain is from the future, as proven by his absolute correctness in the Ben Tate saga, ergo he subsists on 5 grams of astronaut food a meal. The extra weight he puts on is only to prevent you from seeing his real stomach, which is the source of his power.
Kerns:  Tooooo inifinityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and beyond!

Q: Number of those calories that come from grapefruit, Grapenuts, or grapes?

Rivers: 0.0005%. But like I said, he has very thorough meals.
Kerns: Do Grape Jelly Donuts count?

Q: Bigger number: Antonio Smith's sack total or Kerns' blog total?

Rivers: Kerns is at 4, right? Antonio Smith will double that.
Kerns: <Scoffs> I've got him doubled up. Easily.

Q: If losses by fewer than 7 points are 3 times more likely than blowout losses to cause Tim to get blindingly drunk, do you take the over or the under on the number of Scott appearances as 3.5?

Rivers: Who is Scott?
Kerns:  Under. Tim has built up an immunity to The Silver Bullet. And Zima is long gone...

Q: Current BRB inside joke least likely to get old before season's end?

Rivers: Theres one that isn't old?
Kerns:  Anything dealing with a certain blogger located in between the great states of Ohio & Illinois.

Q: Smaller number: Glover Quin's TDs allowed or my number of substantive posts?

Rivers: Your posts. Glover should be able to beat 1 no matter how good or bad he is.
Kerns: MDC's posts. No offense, I just think Quin falls off a bit this year.

Q: And, finally, put your name on it: the ratio of Peyton Manning's sinciput to Texans' wins in 2010 will be:

Rivers: 1.75 : 1
Kerns: Sinciput? ...Man, I don't even know what that means...I graduated from U of H, remember?