[Author's Note: See here for a better explanation of what this is. Or just use some common sense. Whatev.]
Round Two of your illustrious1 BRB writers pretending to be Magic 8 Balls. After the jump, SIGNS POINT TO "YES, TIM AND TEXANSDC HAVE OPINIONS!"
Q: Player most likely to be arrested before Thanksgiving (and for what)?
TexansDC:After a game in mid-October, David Anderson and Richard Justice will get into a heated exchange in the locker rooms of Reliant Stadium after Anderson gets annoyed with Justice's questions. There will be shoving and maybe a few punches thrown, but DA gets arrested, since he's the athlete, for assault. Luckily for the White Out, the Citizens of Houston chip in bail money for their new hero. Also, the charges will be dropped because no one will read Justice's Chronicle article with his side of the story.
Tim: I'd say Morlon Greenwood, but I doubt he could even get arrested in this town these days. I'll go with Kasey Studdard, for violating the three-foot rule.
Q: Assuming Mario Williams gets one sack for each unicorn eaten, the number of unicorns killed in 2010 will be?
TexansDC: 13 unicorns and a unipony die.
Tim: 23 unicorns. At the Fox studio set, Michael Strahan tries to compensate by calling Mark Gastineau 24 times, pretending to be a producer for ESPN's "31 for 31."
Q: Rank of Texans' defense (in either yardage allowed or points allowed ... your call) during the first four games?
TexansDC: 17th in the 1st 4
Tim: 18th in yardage allowed; 17th in points allowed.
Q: Rank of same over last 12?
TexansDC: 11th in the last 12 thus we'll have more debates about the "Tale of Two Defenses" for a second straight off-season.
Tim: 15th in yardage allowed; 17th in points allowed; 1st in my heart; 32nd in my liver.
Q: Fanbase whose trolls are most likely to run away crying and stage a "blogcott" of BRB in 2010?
TexansDC: The fanbase in Southern Oklahoma after we offer them some vanilla ice cream to ease the pain of their week three loss.
Tim: Dallas. If the Texans somehow manage to beat Romo & Co. in Week Three, the crowing will be loud enough to wake the neighbors in New Mexico.
Q: Anti-breakout player (i.e. the player who seems most like he could have a good season that will, instead, play like ass):
TexansDC: The safe bet has been Amobi Okoye, but I'll go ... Steve Slaton. I think he'll end up on IR again or in the doghouse for another fumble.
Tim: I'm with Rivers; how is this not simply named "The Okoye?" Yet as I don't expect Amobi to have a good season, I have to disqualify him. I'll go with Jacoby Jones. I still have nightmares every time he fields a punt.
Q: Total number of calories ingested by John McClain during his 32 gameday breakfasts?
TexansDC: I'm not a numbers person, so I'll just say "very high."
Tim: None of my business, and I don't care.
Q: Number of those calories that come from grapefruit, Grapenuts, or grapes?
TexansDC:0. Who eats any of that crap for breakfast aside from hippies?
Tim: See answer to preceding interrogatory.
Q: Bigger number: Antonio Smith's sack total or Kerns' blog total?
TexansDC: The Disruptacon's sacks > Kerns' blog total ... although I'm sure Mike will give Antonio a run for his money.
Tim: I think Antonio Smith will have a fine year, but there's no chance he can catch up to Kerns. As I was writing that last sentence, Kerns started a blog about the Tri-City ValleyCats. Check him out at www.valleycatsho.com!
Q: If losses by fewer than 7 points are 3 times more likely than blowout losses to cause Tim to get blindingly drunk, do you take the over or the under on the number of Scott appearances as 3.5?
TexansDC: False. You can't get drunk from Coors Light.
Tim: My doctor says these new pills are really gonna work, so I'm taking the under.
Q: Current BRB inside joke least likely to get old before season's end?
TexansDC: "Mike Kerns hearts Ben Tate" is already getting old so it'll just continue going downhill. [Editor's Note: I disagree; true love can never grow old.]
Tim: The one about how I always knew Brian Cushing was the right pick and got "56 FOREVA!" tattooed upon my left ankle.
Q: Smaller number: Glover Quin's TDs allowed or my number of substantive posts?
TexansDC: How is this even a real question? Glover Quin doesn't ever allow TDs. The phrase is invalid. Glover Quin. Just. Shuts down. Wide Receivers.
Tim: Seeing as how you post roughly half as often as Scott, I'll go with your number of [air quotation marks]substantive[/air quotation marks] posts.
Q: And, finally, put your name on it: the ratio of Peyton Manning's sinciput to Texans' wins in 2010 will be:
TexansDC: 2:1
Tim: 2.374:1.
***
1 May not actually be illustrious.