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Battle Red Onion: Texans Wide Receiver Haunted By Mysterious Specter

Geez, Jacoby, you look like you've seen a ghost or something!
Geez, Jacoby, you look like you've seen a ghost or something!

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October 12, 2011

Houston, Texas

Texans wide receiver Jacoby Jones played like a man possessed on Sunday; and not in a good way.  The New Orleans native was held to one catch out of 11 passes thrown his way.  While Texans fans have grown tired of his butter fingers and his knack for getting key fumbles, Some sources suggest that last week's performance may not have been entirely his fault.

"Thought I was seein' things out there," the battling wide receiver told an interpreter for the Battle Red Onion, "This weird scowlin' guy wearing nothin' but black, he kept poppin' up around me when I'm about to do my thing.  I got that first catch in and bam, that weird old guy started showin' up.  He looked kinda like Al Davis."
Turned out it was the late Raiders owner who was giving Jones fits on the field.  However, Jones claims that he wasn't frightened by the ghost of Al Davis making random appearances.  "Shoot, no, man.  I'm from New Orleans, there's all kind of weird shi--I mean stuff that goes on down there, man.  I seen stuff down there that'd turn you white.  Al Davis is scary but he ain't that scary.
Regardless, the 12th phantom on the field proved to be more than Jones could handle Sunday.  Al Davis' ghost seemed rather pleased with himself afterward.
"So I went up to the Pearly Gates, right?  And there's Pete sittin' on a cloud looking all full of himself and (expletive)," said Davis in his thick Bronx accent, "I finally get to the front of the line and he's talkin' all kinds of trash about my Raiders, turned out he was a Saints fan.  Anyway, I ask him to let me in as politely as I've ever asked anybody to do anything in because the Raiders game's about to start.  Pete tells me that the Raiders game ain't on up here.  So I say eff that, I'm gonna get a up-close look at the game.  And I did."
When asked why he focused so much on Jacoby Jones instead of other players like Arian Foster or Owen Daniels, the decedent simply said, "Simple.  Jones is the fastest guy on the team.  Obviously anyone who knows anything knows that the fastest guy on the team is also the best player on the team.  My favorite part was that last play.  I must've vanished and reappeared more times than Jacob freakin' Marley on that one play alone.  At that point he was so freaked out that he kept tryin' to run away from me like a  scared little girl.  You thought Jones' double moves in the end zone were intentional, there?  Ha!  I kill me sometimes."

Monday morning, anonymous sources claimed that Jones asked coach Gary Kubiak if the grounds crew at Reliant Stadium could do anything to prevent Davis from causing future problems for Texans players, particularly since this spirit seemed to haunt only speedsters. 

"He seemed genuinely shook up by the whole mess, and frankly, that's on me, I should have had the field exorcised years ago to prevent such a thing.  But since those kinds of activities are costly, Rick [Smith] and I figured out a way to keep Al Davis from ever haunting Jacoby Jones again."

The following night, the Texans traded for Derrick Mason.