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There Will Be Blood: Gary Kubiak As Jack Kerouac

On the list of The Best Pickup Lines Ever, "I blog about the Houston Texans" has to rank somewhere between "The doctor said it's not contagious" and "Well, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up ... what's that? ... how old am I? ... 34, why do you ask?"1 This life is not for everyone is my point.

All the same, there is a great deal of upside to doing this. First of all, there's the untold wealth. A close second, however, is the fact that people will occasionally send you information that makes your life easy and provides you with fodder for an interesting --- if depressing --- post. This is one of those times.

You see, tailgate legend and all-around awesome guy Lone Spot did some number crunching today and passed along the results. The topic: How has Gary Kubiak fared against good teams? The verdict: After the jump, of course.

So, this afternoon, I am sitting at home, drinking. All of the sudden, my phone says "Mmm ... that is a tasty burger!" (Much thanks to Autra for the ringtone.) I check the text message, and it's from Lone Spot.

In the Kubiak era, the Texans have played 49 games against teams that finished the year at .500 or better. Home record is 12-12. Away record is 4-21.

That's right: Gary Kubiak is FOUR AND TWENTY-ONE against "good" teams on the road. Overall, of course, he's only 16-33 (32.7% winning percentage). That's ... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah, terrible. That's it.

Oh, but it gets less fun. Against teams that finished the year 9-7 or better, Kubiak is 9-9 at home and 1-17 on the road. ONE AND SEVENTEEN! To quote Lone Spot again

That's right, sports fans. One measly win against the Bengals in '09 in 19 games against winning teams. Add losses to the Saints and Ravens [this season], and it's now 1-19.

Wow. Just wow. I don't have a ton to add to this, other than to say that I am (sadly) not terribly surprised; as I noted in this post, Kubiak has two road wins total against AFC South teams. Saying that the Texans have problems playing on the road is not exactly groundbreaking stuff. Still, I wasn't aware that it was quite this bad. Now, if anything, Lone Spot's spreadsheet makes me worry even more about Sunday.

In case you want to see the carnage for yourself, here's the full spreadsheet. Vaya con dios, amigos y amigas.

/considers pouring out a little liquor

/realizes he's likely to need it on Sunday


1 What's the best pickup line, you ask? Clearly, it's hitting on a post-doc psychology major with the line, "My dick is like schizophrenia; it'll split you in half."