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The Unbearable Powerfulness of Ranking (Part the Second)

Prior to Week 1, I put together a power ranking of the teams in the AFC South.  With a quarter of the season gone, it's time to take another look at how the teams in that division stack up.  Yet, as I mentioned in the first post, the problem with traditional power rankings is that there is no context given; the rankings imply that each team is one "spot" better than the team below them and one "spot" worse than the team above, but they don't define what each spot means.

And that, friends (and Titans fans), is what I am here to do.  To keep things fresh around here, I've changed up the other 16 items on the list.  You're welcome.  After the jump, the updated AFC South power rankings.


1. Bacon.  Bacon is why I've never understood the appeal of being a vegetarian.  The only thing that can make bacon better is more bacon.  The only thing that could make the Texans better is less Shaun Cody.  Advantage: Bacon.


2. The Houston Texans.  Had they won in New Orleans, they'd really be challenging bacon for supremacy right now.  But they didn't.  And bacon is clearly undefeated.


3. Boobies. That is Cheryl Cole.  Her husband -- douchey Chelsea left-back Ashley Cole -- cheated on her.  So, you know ... you've got a shot with her now!  Congrats! 


4. Guinness.  On the list of "Great Things To Come Out Of Ireland," Guinness ranks near the very top, while Tim's ancestors rank right around potato famine and Jonathan Rhys Meyers.


5.  Fajitas.  I trust that I don't have to specify beef fajitas, as "fajita" technically refers to the cut of meat used -- skirt steak.  Your chicken, shrimp, and baby alpaca are nothing but soft tacos, cabrón.  (Is that picture from Ninfa's?  Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is.)  


6. Christina Hendricks. Needs no explanation, really.


7. The Yellow First-Down Line.  Try to remember football before this was commonplace.  Highly, highly underrated addition to the football-watching experience.


8. The Tennessee Titans.  Quick impression of an average Titans fan, assuming he can read: "B-b-but...we have the same record as the Texans!  Waaahhhhh!" /cooks meth

Same record or not, they lost to the lowly Jags and had to squeak past the Broncos.  Suck it.


9. Whataburger.  It's not the best burger in the world, and it's not even the best fast-food burger, but it is a tasty burger.  And it's a step above the McDonald's/Burger King types.  Also, it's amazing when you are drunk.


10. Big Sky Conference football.  Yeah, it's football, and, if nothing else is available, you'd probably watch it.  (Go Portland State Vikings!) Still, it's nowhere near as good as college football can be.


11. 3AM diaper changes.  As middle-of-the-night duties go, this one's not so bad.  You get to where you can change the diaper and be back asleep in under 2 minutes.  Much better than feeding the kid.  (Spoiler alert for new dads: This is eventually replaced with a toddler who thinks that 3am is an acceptable time to wander into your room for no reason whatsoever.


12 U2. It's alright, it's alright, it's AL-right / She moves in mysterious ways / Oh oh oh


13. Arkansas (state, not University of).  It only ranks this high because everything below it on this list is pretty awful.  When your state quarter features a rice plant ... yeah.


14. Vaginal prolapse.  For the love of god, do NOT Google this.  Just don't.


15. Cleatus the Fox Sports Robot.  For the life of me, I still have no idea what his purpose is.  Oooh, look, a fake robot is playing guitar! NOW I AM READY TO WATCH FOOTBALL!


16. The Jacksonville Jaguars.  In the previous rankings, I branded them the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.  In retrospect, this seems unfair, but only slightly.


17. Movies by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. There is no humor in merely referencing other movies.  Spoof movies can be funny -- Naked Gun or Airplane! come to mind -- but these assclowns haven't the slightest clue how to do it.


18. Trai Essex.  Wow, is he bad or what?  He would've gotten cut from the 2005 Texans.


19. Getting Shanked In Prison.  I mean, you're in prison and now you're also being stabbed with a homemade implement of questionable cleanliness.  I just don't see how anything could be worse.


20. The Indianapolis Colts.  Oh, right, that's how it could be worse.