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Fisk of Death: Mac Engel Edition


Granted, in the big scheme of all things fisking, this one exemplifies low-hanging fruit.  After all, what could be easier than picking on a Dallas Cokeboys fan, much less a startlingly ignorant one?  Alas, there's too much stupid to ignore in this execrable pile of steaming bull dung to give it a free pass (h/t CostaRica Texans).  Let's shove this fisk where the sun don't shine, shall we?

The Houston Texans are 6-3 and because they play in the Division II AFC South they are primed for their first division title as well as first playoff appearance ever.

For accuracy purposes, just consider everything he types as sic'ed.  The grammar in Mac's post even makes 9-year-olds giggle and point at him, but I digress.  Your Houston Texans have played nine games to date, three of those against divisional opponents, where we've clearly taken care of business, going 3-0.  If you subtract those three games, we're 3-3, a .500 winning percentage, the same as the Occupied Southern Oklahoma Cowboys, who are just 1-1 in their division.  The Cokeboys' divisional games consisted of an 18-16 "thrashing" of a pathetic Washington Redskins team and a loss to the Philadelphia Eagles' Dream Team (34-7).  In fact, the Cokeboys have beaten exactly one team with a winning record, the San Francisco 49ers.  The Cokeboys are clearly a force of nature.  **snickers**

Good for Houston.

Though I detect a hint of sarcasm, it's the only thing you managed to get right in the entire post, Mac.  Bloody well done.

Diehard fans south as those who live in a city that feels like the inside of someone's mouth should be rewarded with a playoff game every now and then.

Did you even bother to take remedial English while in high school?  I think this is an insult of some sort, but I just can't tell.  Even the proverbial thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters would make more sense than this jumbled mass of seemingly chosen-at-random words.  Also, too, purple monkey dishwasher.  TAKE THAT!

Houston should have playoff NFL football for the first time since 1993. That was the season Jack Pardee and Warren Moon led the Oilers to a 12-4 record, which resulted in a 28-20 division playoff loss to Joe Montana and the Chiefs back on Jan. 16, 1994.

Somebody discovered Wikipedia!

But despite this new, cute success by the Texans they are still not any bigger than what is right now an average Dallas Cowboys professional football team.

Tell me, Mac: when you were a child, did grammar and/or punctuation run over your puppy?  Because you clearly despise those mean ol' sonsab----es.

My English undergrad snide aside, I greatly appreciate your condescending attitude.  After all, the Dallas Cowboys are America's Team, amirite?  That's just so quaint and...horribly freaking dated.  Sure the phrase was coined in 1978, but living in the past is one of the primary conditions of being a Cowboys' fan.  After all, who could ever forget such recent wonderful Dallas playoff victories such as this one?

Let's be honest, Mac: the past is all you have.  As long as Skeletor remains the owner, and Tony Romo helms quarterback with his Edward Smith-like precision, the Cokeboys are a team doomed to eternal failure.

While we're celebrating the past, Mac, let's celebrate everything that goes along with being a Cokeboys fan.  After all, not a single franchise can match the Cokeboys' history of sexual assaultcocaine dealers, and, heck, just a bunch of all-around swell fellows.  I find it cute you have such pride in your team.  Comparatively, my Houston Texans are absolutely banal in comparison.  Perhaps, Mac, that's for the better.  Being classy and being a Cowboy have been terms in contradiction since the 1970s.

Or that's what CBS says.

CBS has long been considered the pinnacle of intelligent football discourse.  Or not.

On Sunday at noon the Texans will play the Bucs in Tampa. At the same time, the Cowboys will host the Bills at Jerry World.

Let's put this a bit more accurately, shall we?  How's this?

On Sunday at noon (comma), the Texans and Bucs will play football at Tampa.  At the same time, the Cowboys will ignominiously embarrass themselves against the Bills at the Death Star, the greatest monument to over-compensating for a tiny penis in the history of man-kind.

Sounds about right.

According to the Houston Chronicle, the only places in the state where you can watch the Texans/Bucs game will be KHOU in Houston, KFDM in Beaumont, KBTX in Bryan-College Station and KXTS in Victoria. Every other CBS station in Texas will carry the Cowboys game instead.

If you really are a Texans fan, it's either a sports bar, or DirecTV.

How the hell do you have a writing job?  I'm not asking rhetorically, either.  You are a piss-poor writer.

You, Mac Engel, may have your Cokeboys on CBS.  In return, I'll take my team that doesn't have a history of embarrassing, felonious activities, isn't painfully dull to watch, and will make the playoffs.  Being on CBS over the Texans is akin to winning the green ribbon at an elementary school field day.  Sure, you participated, but nobody really gives a sh-- because, at the end of the year, it simply won't matter.