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Three (Or Eight) And Out: Useless Predictions For The Bye

I normally fill this space with psychic gifts, from me to you, about the Texans' upcoming game. This Sunday, however, will feature no such Texans game. Far be it for me to use that as an excuse to refrain from posting predictions this week. I just have to focus my psychic energy in a different direction. And what better direction than straight at the BRB staff?

Accordingly, after the jump, I shall reveal exactly what each of the featured writers will be doing on Sunday instead of watching your Houston Texans.

1. BFD: Feverishly working on his memoirs. Working title: "Au Contraire, Mon Fraire: Bald, Fat, and Drunk Is The Best Way To Go Through Life!" To break the monotony of being alone with his thoughts, BFD will spend at least ten minutes every hour trying to convince his family to form a drum circle with him. He will fail.

2. MDC: From 3:15 p.m. to 6:30ish, you know he'll be glued to his TV for Bud Adams' Army of Evil-Falcons. In the hours leading up to kickoff, Matt will work on perfecting what he hopes will become the hot new drink in his beloved Toothpick State--the Sooietini. He's still tinkering with the exact mix, but the key ingredients are vodka, orange juice, meth, and possum hair. Not coincidentally, market research indicates this beverage will also be a huge success in Tennessee.

3. Rivers: Watching every snap Matt Leinart took in Arizona and breaking it down like it was the Zapruder film. Plus a Simpsons marathon. He'll also have to find time to wash off the previous day's red and white face paint, and he won't be able to talk much, thanks to screaming "Whose house?" approximately 13,841 times for ten straight hours.

4. TexansDC: Posing as an employee at his local apothecary's place of business and unabashedly physically accosting passersby to extol the virtue of Vicks. Sadly, this means TDC will spend Sunday night not watching football, but sitting in the corner of a holding cell and trying to explain to his cellmates how he really likes his beloved Niners' chances of winning on Thanksgiving night in the Battle O' Harbaughs.

5. UprootedTexan: Perusing for reasonably priced Thunder gear and checking Oklahoma City real estate web sites to see what's available. He'll do all of this while wearing pants. I know. I'm as disgusted as you are.

6. Vega: Trying to disprove Fermat's Last Theorem and continuing his letter-writing campaign to have consideration for the Fields Medal restricted to MIT graduates under the age of 35.

7. TGC: Participating in yet another sleep deprivation study. It's the only way he manages to stay awake to watch Texans games live, what with him living in Timbuktu and all. If his devotion to the team results in him being the inspiration for "Insomnia II: The Deadening," that's just a pleasant side effect.

8. Tim: Watching some other NFL game with a Coors Light in my hand. Those other dudes are weird.