With Matt Schaub out for
the rest of his life the rest of the season an extended period of time, and Matt Leinart having not thrown a meaningful pass since 2008, some people are clamoring for the Texans to sign a famed free-agent quarterback who shall remain nameless at this time. Notable football authorities Skip Bayless and Mike Florio have already suggested the Texans sign him posthaste. Other lesser known bloggers have advised likewise. Even here, there have been two FanPosts suggesting that he be brought in.
To put an end to this discussion once and for all, I found this filmstrip in the bottom of the suddenly bleach-deficient (because we haven't needed it) BRB supply closet.
If you want to watch, take the jump. But remember, there will be a quiz afterward.
Battle Red Blog Presents
Narrator: It's never fun to lose your quarterback. It can derail what has otherwise been a perfectly good season. But you shouldn't cry or complain about it too much if it does happen. Because this is what you look like when you do:
Narrator: You don't want to be like that, do you? Of course you don't.
Narrator: Why, look at Texans GM Rick Smith. If anybody would be upset about Schaub's injury, it would be him. In fact, it looks like he's talking to a new quarterback right now. Who are you talking to there, Rick Smith?
Narrator: Oh no, Rick Smith! Don't do it! Sure, using Brett Favre may seem like fun at first. And you may think Favre use won't hurt anybody, but take a look at some of the hidden dangers of prolonged exposure to Brett Favre.
Narrator: This is Jon Gruden,
mild-mannered former football coach and current anchor for ESPN's Monday Night Football. Before Favre, he was thought to be one of the brightest football minds in the National Football League. After covering just four games with Brett Favre as quarterback, this is what happened to him.
Gruden: Mark Sanchez has turned into a great, great quarterback...Mike Shanahan's done a great job acquiring quality players and quality people.
Narrator: Isn't that pathetic? But he's not alone. Hundreds of media talking heads have had their brains scrambled by the aged quarterback and his insidious influence.
Narrator: Poor Mike Florio. Once upon a time he might have known what he was talking about football-wise. His Favre addiction has gone past the point of no return.
Florio: Matt Schaub is injured? Why not Brett Favre? Jay Cutler out for the season? Brett Favre is available. With Calvin Johnson hurt, the Lions should look at Brett Favre as a receiver. He has the softest, most gentle hands in the league.
Narrator: To a Favre junkie, Favre is the answer to every solution, no matter how ridiculous. But talking heads are not the only ones susceptible to this madness.
Narrator: Anyone can succumb to Favresmack, even fans. Radio shows are littered with fans asking if Favre should be signed by their team. Bloggers for less-reputable organizations churn out posts listing Favre as a bad, and potentially dangerous, possibility to lead their team. As a responsible football fan, or at least a not-completely-drunk football fan, you need to know the signs of Favre addiction.
Narrator: Do you find yourself agreeing with this man?
Narrator: Do you find yourself wondering whether Favre will come back out of retirement for absolutely no reason?
Narrator: Have you felt the overwhelming urge to send pictures of your anatomy to attractive females who did not ask for them and are not your wife/girlfriend? If you know anyone who has experienced any of these symptoms, please report them to the police immediately. While Favre addiction is not illegal, it is not something that should be allowed to continue without punishment.
Smith: Wow, I had no idea Brett Favre was so dangerous for me. Thank you Narrator guy!
Narrator: You're welcome. Remember, what do you do you when someone offers you Brett Favre?
This has been a public service.