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The Unbearable Powerfulness of Ranking (Part the Fourth)

Prior to the season, I did a power ranking of the AFC South as compared to other things. The concept was simple (as most of my concepts are wont to be):

What we need is a Power Ranking that gives you a sense of how much difference there is between the teams as well as a frame of reference for how good each team is on its own.

In the initial rankings, the Texans were #2, ranking just behind sliced bread. In the second round of these quarterly rankings, the Texans were still #2, right behind bacon and right ahead of boobies. But at the halfway mark of the season, as the Texans basked in the afterglow of consecutive victories over divisional foes (including 41-7), the JUGGERNAUT made the leap to the top spot, placing just above Mila Kunis (a spot most any of us wouldn't mind being).

And now, with 3/4ths of the season behind us, where do your Texans rank? OK, it's fairly obvious that they'll still be #1. But where do the other, lesser teams in the AFC South rank? You'll have to make like Tom Smykowski and jump to the conclusion of this post to find out.


1. The Houston Texans. Your Houston Texans are the 2011 AFC Champs. If that doesn't make your naughty bits tingle like Lambda Lambda Lambda put Liquid Fire in your jockstrap, I don't know what to tell you.


2. Tito's Handmade Vodka. If vodka brands were women, I'd be Wilt Chamberlain (assuming Wilt had a couple women that he bedded nightly if no better options were around). And this is, hands down, the best vodka I've tasted. It's also a natural sponsor for the Two-Day Hangover, so, if any Tito's execs are reading this, contact me.


3. Ferrari F-458. I imagine the conceptual meeting for this car went something like this:
"I want you guys to build a car that looks like sex."
"You mean a sexy car?"
"No, I mean a car that is the automotive equivalent of having a coked-out orgy with nine gorgeous women while riding on the back of a giant eagle."
[six months later]
"How about this design?" /unveils F-458
"I . . . I . . ."
/orgasms four times in rapid succession


4. MS Paint Stu Scott. He keeps moving on up, but he always keeps one eye on the entries below him. He's good like that.


5. Clerks. Fun Fact: In the Clerks logo, the "C" is from Cosmopolitan magazine, the "L" is from the boardgame Life, the "E" is from Rolling Stone magazine, the "R" is from a Ruffles potato chips bag, the "K" is from a Clark Bar wrapper, and the "S" is from a Goobers box.


6. The Full Windsor Knot. If you are over the age of 21 and have a job that requires a tie with any regularity, please stop using that four-in-hand knot and learn to tie a full windsor. (Pro Tip: do NOT tie it like Merril Hoge. (Related Pro Tip: Don't do anything like Meril Hoge.))


7. Texts From Bennett. If you aren't reading this blog, you are missing some of the most unintentionally hilarious texts ever written. Long story short, a guy posts screenshots of text messages from his 17-year-old cousin, Bennett -- a "white boy that thinks he's a Crip, works at Aamco, [and] has a girlfriend named Mercedes."


8. Chasing Amy. "I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with." "Some of them I down right loathe."


9. Finding A Parking Meter With Time Left On It. What is it about saving a quarter or two that makes this feel like you've just won some kind of major prize in the karmic sweepstakes?


10. 40-Degree Days (in Baltimore). "It's like a 40-degree day. Nobody got nothin' to say about a 40-degree day. 50? Bring a smile to your face. 60?! Sh*t, n***as is damn near barbecuing in that motherf**ker. Go down to 20, n***as get they bitch on, get they blood complainin'. But 40? Nobody give a F**K about a 40-degree day!"


11. Mallrats. This one is my favorite Kevin Smith movie, but it's not as good as Clerks, and probably not as good as Chasing Amy. (Though I could at least entertain an argument in the latter case.) "Anything outside of said, designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...."


12. The Tennessee Titans. Few things in my life have made me as happy as watching Jake Locker take a sack from Jo-Lonn Dunbar to end the game yesterday. Sure, it clinched the division for the Texans, but it was also hilariously awesome when juxtaposed with what T.J. Yates had just recently pulled off.


13. Black licorice. Here's a very easy way to tell if you are living next to a serial killer: if you ask your neighbor what his favorite candy is, and he says "black licorice," you can bet there are several drifters dead in his crawlspace.


14. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hopefully Sunday's win, pushing them into the 6-team logjam at 4-9, will keep los gatitos brillantes from landing RG3 or Matt Barkley. They should totally draft, um, Luke Kuechly! Yeah, that's it!


15. Urban Meyer. Look at that mustache. Just look at it. If the internet had existed back then, I have zero doubt that he'd have run into Chris Hanson.


16. Zac Diles. He just got signed by a team that absolutely does not want to win a game this year. He can certainly help them reach that goal, and he can do so in a cost-effective manner!


17. The Ford Pinto. My great-grandpa owned one (in sea foam green!) and hated it, but, because he was a Ford man, he refused to get rid of it, as that would mean giving more money to Ford. And he was pissed at them for making such a crappy car.


18. Clerks 2. The emasculation of Randal is one of the worst cinematic crimes since Sofia Coppola was written into The Godfather III.


19. Ma & Pa Yates' Seats In Paul Brown Stadium. I'm pretty sure that there were times yesterday when the Yates were closer to Kentucky than to the line of scrimmage.


20. The Indianapolis Colts. If these power rankings were designed to rank the "Suck For Luck" candidates, the Colts would be #1 and no other NFL team would crack the Top 20. That's an impressive level of suck.