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Battle Red Onion: Texans Fans, Bloggers, Plot Revenge Against Football Gods for Injuries

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December 7, 2011

Houston, Texas

This is unquestionably the greatest season in Houston Texans history, but it has come at a very high price. First Arian Foster missed the first few games of the season with a hamstring injury. Then Andre Johnson's hamstring held him out for an extended period. Mario Williams, Darryl Sharpton, Matt Schaub, and Matt Leinart are all done for the year, and that's not even including the players who didn't even get to play a single meaningful snap before landing on an injured reserve list that would overwhelm even the largest triage center.

And now Brett Hartmann has joined the M*A*S*H unit forming on the Texans' sideline after tearing his ACL on Reliant Stadium's unreliable turf. That injury comes in a game that also saw Brian Cushing go down with an injury, though he came back later in the game, Andre Johnson hurting his OTHER hamstring, and Jason Allen "getting dinged" in the fourth quarter against the Falcons.

For Texans fans, Hartmann's injury was the last straw, and their collective rage quickly turned against Matut, the Football God of Injuries and their minds to revenge.

"How many years have we waited for the Texans to finally be the team we knew they could be?" an unnamed blogger asked the voices in his head. "How many years have we had to put up with players like Petey Faggins and Samkon Gado while the Texans toiled and suffered at the hands of malevolent football gods?! The time has come to take up arms and show the football gods they can't do this to us anymore!"

The dog, the only other form of life in the room, licked himself in rabid support of his master.

The sentiments of this lone blogger is shared by quite a few who have grown tired of the football gods, most lately Matut, the god of season-ending injuries, making sport of them.


Above: Matut, football god of injuries

Matut showed little concern for the plight of the scores of Texans fans who have suffered at his hand.

"A bunch of whiners. All of them."

Matut turned and looked at his shelf of Texans voodoo dolls, many of which are scarred, broken, singed, and otherwise worse for wear. He picked up one of the dolls, a pristine voodoo likeness with a big "25" painted on the front in battle red and steel blue, and held it gently in his hands. "Maybe I'm losing my touch. I mean, by this time any other season, the Texans would be well out of it and all the fun would go out of it. This year, I've destroyed two of their quarterbacks, their best pass rusher, and toyed with their best weapon. They keep winning." He leaned down and kissed the doll on the top of its head and carefully put it back on the shelf.

"Even the last game, I busted up four of their players, one (Hartmann) for the season, and it didn't do any good!"

When asked why he keeps sending Texans players in particular to injured reserve, he added, "I don't know. It just amuses me is all. Their suffering sustains me."

The injury to Hartmann especially angered Texans fans.

"We have to live with Matt (expletive) Turk again!" snarled another Texans fan. "That was the last straw for me! Down with Matut! Down with Matut!"

Unfortunately, pitchforks and torches aren't going to be enough to take down the god of injuries, so the folks at Battle Red Blog, the preeminent blog about all things Texans, have taken more drastic measures to bring down Matut.

"Punishing Matut is apparently more than Durga can handle, so we've called in some help," said Tim, editor and chief recipient of hate mail of "Battle Red Blog".

That "help" comes in the form of Kratos, Greek god of vengeance and protagonist of the "God of War" series of games.

"Kratos has experience in punishing wayward deities, which is exactly what we need to teach Matut a lesson. We need to send a message to him saying, 'You want to stick us with Matt Turk again, then you better be ready to accept the consequences.'"

We asked for an interview with Kratos for this article. Unfortunately, Kratos only glared down and grunted at our reporter, who promptly fled in terror.

As Tim watched, he chuckled and said, "Matut is so screwed. Hail Kratos!"

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