Scenes From A Draft: A Battle Red Onion Special Presentation

Our regularly scheduled "Behind The Mask" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you this special presentation of Battle Red Onion's coverage of the 2011 NFL draft.

Main Stage - Radio City Music Hall - 7:59 p.m. EDT

Roger Goodell (off-stage): How's my suit look?

Assistant: Perfect, sir. Now about my proposal for an 18 game sched--

Goodell (looks at the podium in the middle of the stage): Oh, no, no, no, no, no. How did he get out there?

Assistant: I-I-I don't know, sir.

Goodell: How long has he been out there?

Assistant: About 10 minutes.

Goodell: Get him out of there!

(Goodell's Assistant walks out to the podium)

DeMaurice Smith: These owners are trying to bleed the players dry! And that's just not righ--

(Assistant whispers to Smith)

Smith: Lockout's over?


Smith: The cameras are off? America can't see me posturing?

(Assistant nods)

Smith: Forget this, then. I'm out of here.

Goodell (walks to the podium, the crowd boos Goodell savagely. Eagles fans drop their pants and moon Goodell.): Hello NFL fans, and welcome to the 2011 NFL Draft from Radio City Music Hall! The Carolina Panthers are on the clock!

Carolina Panthers War Room - Charlotte, N.C. - 8:02 p.m. EDT

Panthers GM Marty Hurney (on phone): Please. I am begging you, from the bottom of my soul. Are you sure there's nothing we can do to change your mind? No? Not even if I got you lifetime tickets for the Hurricanes? Still no, huh? Okay. I guess we'll see you next year, Mr. Luck. (Hangs up phone)

NFL Rep: We need a pick, Marty.

Hurney (throws himself on the ground pounding on the floor and sobs): But I don't wanna draft Cam Newton!!!!

Players' Green Room - Radio City Music Hall - 8:04 p.m. EDT

Goodell (on television): The Buffalo Bills are now on the clock.

Blaine Gabbert: Please, God, not me. God, I'll do whatever you want, just not Buffalo! I don't wanna go to Buffalo!

Jake Locker: Well, I'm not going. I know Seattle's waiting for me (Tries to sit down, misses the chair he was aiming for).

Ryan Mallett (rubbing his temples): Keep it doooooooown.

Von Miller: Y'all know they're going quarterback. I really feel terrible for y'all. I mean, shoot, Buffalo makes College Station look like freakin' Vegas, man.

Mallett (adjusts ice pack on head): Shut! Up! God! That's the last time I mix Red Bull, Tequila, cocaine. and Pixie Sticks.

Gabbert (looks nervously at phone): Don't ring. Don't ring. Don't ring. Don't ring. Don't ring.

Miller: You're screwed man, might as well accept it.

(A cell phone rings, nervous silence fills the room)

Miller (looks down): Aw, hell. It's mine (Answers phone).

(Locker and Gabbert snicker loudly)

Mallett: Is there an open bar back here?

ESPN Anchor Desk - Radio City Music Hall - 8:07 p.m. EDT

Chris Berman: And "Auto" Von Miller is the newest member of the Bills. Doesn't he look absolutely miserable, Jon "Better Homes and" Gruden? (Jon Gruden draws breath to respond) The "WKRP in" Cincinnati Bengals have the next pick. But now we cut to commercial because we have to sell you things you don't need at prices you can't afford.

(Camera turns off)

Jon Gruden: So how many nicknames do you have ready, Boomer?

Berman: I have one for every single player in the draft.

Gruden: Grrreaaaaat. (Shakes head sadly)

Mel Kiper (immediately reaches for mirror underneath the desk and looks admiringly into it): Yeah, you look good today, Mel. You are a sexy little draft monkey, aren't you? Yes, you are. Ooooooh, baby, you are gorgeous! The only way I could be any prettier is if there were two of me! (Notices spot in his hair that doesn't have hair gel in it.) How did I miss that? (Takes out 5-gallon bucket of hair gel and slathers it into his hair. He looks into mirror and blows an air kiss into the mirror) Yeah, now I'm even more beautiful!

Gruden: Got enough gel there, Kiper?

Kiper: If I ration it, it should be enough to last me the first round.

Gruden: Oy.

Cincinnati Bengals War Room - Cincinnati, OH - 8:16 p.m. EDT

Rich Eisen: And now we go live to Alex Flanagan from the Bengals War Room, Alex?

Alex Flanagan: Thanks, Rich. I'm with Bengals owner Mike Brown who is using a more unorthodox way to pick players. What's you're method, Mr. Brown?

Mike Brown: We just designed it last week. As you know, I'm a colossal tightwad, Alex, and would rather lose a major extremity than spend money; especially on my beloved Bengals. So I had my staff write the names of every single player on small strips of paper and place those names into five hats. We then spin those hats on a turntable until it stops and whichever name our specially trained draft squirrel picks is our pick.

(Squirrel scurries up onto Brown's desk)

Brown: Oh, speaking of which, here's our pick.

(Brown looks at the paper)

Brown: No!

(Squirrel looks perplexed at Brown)

Brown: No. We are not going to draft him. He costs too much!

(Squirrel squeaks excitedly)

Brown: Because I said so!

(Squirrel chatters angrily, raises little squirrel fist at Brown)

Brown: I said no!

(Brown swats squirrel with rolled-up newspaper)

Brown: No! Bad squirrel!

(Squirrel flips off Brown)

Flanagan: Um, Mr. Brown...uh...what about trades?

Brown: We've tried. Nobody wants the squirrel.

(Squirrel glares at Brown)

Tennessee Titans War Room - Nashville, TN - 8:45 p.m. EDT

Titans GM Mike Reinfeldt: What is our pick, my master?

Titans owner Bud Adams (whipping tortured, condemned souls): What was that?

Reinfeldt: The draft. Who do we want to take?

Adams: Andrew Luck.

Reinfeldt: He's not in the draft this year.

Adams: Dammit. Which players this year are from Houston?

Reinfeldt: Sigh...these players (shows Adams his list).

Adams: And which ones do people from Houston care about?

Reinfeldt: (mutters) How did I get stuck with this schmuck? Um, none of them, my master.

Adams: Huh. I guess we should trade down, then; and after we tank this season, Andrew Luck will be ours!!!

Reinfeldt: A fine plan, your most evilness.

(Adams, and his toupee, cackle insanely)

Dallas Cowboys War Room - Arlington, Southern Oklahoma - 8:51 p.m. EDT

Director of Scouting Tom Cisnowski: This is the pick. We need this guy in silver and blue next year. He will make an immediate impact and make us an instant Super Bowl contender...for the tenth straight year in a row.

Jerry Jones: Yeah...I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with you. I think we need D.J. Williams. He went to Arkansas, you can trust Arkansas players because I went to Arkansas.

Cisnowski: Sire, we don't need a tight end. Witten is still a top flight tight end.

Jones: Yeah...what part of "he went to Arkansas" was I unclear about, Cisnowski?

Cisnowski: But, your sleaziness, we have other needs to fill!

(Jones pulls out an unsigned letter of resignation)

Jones: How do you spell Cisnowski, again?

Cisnowski: Then again, sire, we could come up with some four tight-end sets, ain't that right, Coach? Coach?

Jones: Where did Sean go, anyway?

Houston Texans War Room - Houston, TX - 8:59 p.m. EDT

Tim: Who are you picking, Mr. Kubiak?

Kubiak (strapped to chair with duct tape): No D.J. Kendricks?!

Tim: Wrong answer, Coach. Rivers?

(Rivers McCown presses button on remote and shocks Kubiak)

Kubiak: Owwwwwwww! Ow! Stop doing that!

Rivers: Dammit, I thought we agreed not to go by our real names, Mr. White!

Tim: Oh, right. Sorry, Mr. Blonde. Now try it again, Coach!

Rivers: Anybody seen Daniel--I mean, Mr. Orange?

Mike Kerns (enters room carrying a broken stick): Mr. Orange is off torturing Vic Fangio with a cattle prod, a pair of Jordann's panda underwear and a CD of Justin Bieber's Greatest Hits for passing on Patrick Peterson for the Niners.

Tim: What's with the stick, Mr. Blue?

Mike: Friggin' Rick Smith. (Throws stick down) He's still trying to have input on the Texans' defensive picks! Had to throw him in the broom closet.

(Rivers, Tim, and Mike laugh uproariously)

Tim: Your pick, Coach?

Kubiak: K...Kyle Ru...Rudolph?

Mike: Say Kyle Rudolph again! Go on, say it again! Mr. Blonde...if you would please.

(Rivers zaps Kubiak, this time holding down the button)

Tim: Now, Gary. If you keep picking tight ends like this, I'm afraid you'll have to see more of "Mr. Zappy," and I know you don't want that, right?

Kubiak (deliriously): Look at all the pretty, pretty birdies...

(long pause)

Rivers: Uh oh.

Detroit Lions War Room - Detroit, MI - 9:12 p.m. EDT

Eisen: We now go live to Ford Field, with NFL analyst Matt Millen. Matt?

Millen: We're at the door of the Lions War Room, Rich, where I'm hoping to shed some light on who my former team will be taking with their first round pick. Huh, there's a poster on the door. It--It's a picture of me! Maybe they do miss me, after all! Oh, and there's some writing, too.

Eisen: What does it say?

Millen: "Warning! Do not allow this man anywhere near the War Room. If seen, shoot him on sight." I'm sure they're just kidd--

(Security guards wielding rifles surround Millen)

Millen: Heeeeeey...guys! It's me, Matt! You remember me, right?

Guard (cocks rifle): Yeah. We do.

Millen (gulps): ...Mommy...

ESPN Anchor Desk - Radio City Music Hall - 9:15 p.m. EDT

Berman: Interesting pick by the Lions there. Mel "Heli" Kiper, what are your thoughts on this pick?

Kiper: Boomer, this is probably the single greatest pick in the history of, not just professional football, but in human history.

Berman: Really?

Kiper: Yes. The best pick since the A.D. 434 draft, when the Huns took a legendary middle linebacker and sack machine from the Asiatic league by the name of Attila. That pick worked out very well for the Huns and this on--

Berman (interrupting): And back to me. We'll be right back with more of the Schwam...oh and the 2011 NFL Draft.

Main Stage - Radio City Music Hall - 9:18 p.m. EDT

Goodell: We have a trade to announce. Jacksonville has traded the entire Jaguars franchise to the city of Los Angeles in return for a lifetime supply of Pink's Hot Dogs, the entire Kardashian family, free plastic surgery for both Jaguars fans, and the rights to Charlie Sheen. The New England Patriots are now on the clock.

Peanut Gallery - Radio City Music Hall - 9:19 p.m. EDT

Giants Fan: Hey! Vic! Check out the babe down by the Pats' table! Talk about a caboose on her, huh?!

Vic: Where?

Giants Fan: There! The brunette in the Uggs!

Vic: Dat ain't no babe. Dat's Tom Brady!

Bills Fan: Oh, there he is! Danny! You was checking out Brady's butt? I didn't think you swang that way.

Danny (Giants Fan): Shaddap! I-I-I-I thought it was some chick bringing 'em refreshments! Hey! Lady Brady! (chants) Lady Brady!

Jets, Giants, and Bills fans: Lady Brady! (rhythmic clapping) Lady Brady! (rhythmic clapping) Lady Brady!

(Brady runs away)

Danny: I think we made him cry! He is! He's frickin' crying!

Vic: Nah. He was just tinkin' about when he was taken in da sixth round.

(Danny, Vic, and Bills Fan laugh heartily)

Oakland Raiders War Room - Al Davis' Crypt - 9:45 p.m. EDT

Director of Pro Player Personnel Keith Rowen: You know, someday I would like to have a war room that included some little windows.

Hue Jackson: No joke. And really, do we need torches instead of electric lights in here?

(Al Davis' coffin shudders)

Jackson: You see that?

Rowen: See what? It's pitch black in here.

(Davis' coffin rumbles)

Rowen: Oh God, he's waking up!!

Jackson: You know what he's going to do to you when he finds out we don't have a first round pick this year, right?

Rowen: Alligator pit?

(Jackson nods)

(Rowen throws himself on top of Davis' coffin, now shaking violently)

Rowen: I did it for the team, Al! We didn't need another speedster!

Davis (groaning in rage): No...first...picks?!?!?!?!

(Rowen grasps at his neck, gasping desperately for air.)

Jackson: Sigh...we lose more front office staff that way.

Indianapolis Colts War Room - Indianapolis, IN - 9:57 p.m. EDT

Colts General Manager Bill Polian: I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Look at all those options that fell in our lap, Jim.

Jim Caldwell (staring at draft board): Yup.

Polian: Even Carimi is still up there!

Caldwell (continues staring, then blinks suddenly): Mm-hmm.

Polian: We've got to take Carimi.

Colts' Front Office Staff Member (staring at computer monitor): Wait, sir!

Polian: What is it, Wedge?

Wedge: According to the Colts fans that are online, Carimi is the one player they desperately want in the first round!

Polian: Really? Great! Let's get our pick in!

(Two minutes later)

Main Stage - Radio City Music Hall - 10:00 p.m. EDT

Goodell: With the 22nd pick in the NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select...Ryan Mallett, Quarterback, Arkansas.

(Mallett staggers onto the stage, weaving his way toward Goodell)

Goodell: You smell like a brewery.

(Goodell and Mallett hold up Mallett's new Colts jersey)

Mallett: I...I...wanna make you feel beautifffful, C-Commissssshhhhh (slumps against Goodell)...zzzzzzzzz...mmm...cocaine...zzzzzzzzz.


ESPN Anchor Desk - Radio City Music Hall - 10:01 p.m. EDT

Berman: The Philadelphia Eagles, with head coach Andy "We All Live In a Yellow Subma--" Reid are now on the clock. Mel, who are the Ea--ow!

Berman (Looks down to find what hit him in the head): Batteries? Who throws batteries?

Eagles Fan 1 (Throws more D-cell batteries at Berman's head): Hey Berman! Stop with the stupid &%*@in' nicknames, why doncha?

Eagles Fan 2 (Nails Berman with a 9-volt battery): And quit giving away who's getting picked next! Ya %$&@in' jackass!

New Orleans Saints War Room - New Orleans, LA - 10:06 p.m. EDT

General Manager Mickey Loomis: Where the hell is he? He should've been here hours ago!

Sean Payton (busts into the room): Sorry I'm late, guys. My flight from DFW was badly delayed.

(Loomis and the Saints brass stare blankly)

Payton: What? I got something hangin' out my nose?

Loomis: No, but an explanation as to why you're wearing Cowboys gear would be nice.

Payton: Uh...(laughs nervously)

Loomis: So...Coach...what's the pick?

Payton: Right. Mark Ingram. If we pair him with Barber and Jones and Choice, we'd be unsto--

Loomis: This...isn't...Dallas, Sean.

Payton: Oh. Right. In that case, Brandon Harris. We don't need Ingram because we still have Reggie Bush. He's awesome. (Checks cell phone) What do you mean we took D.J. Williams?!

Seattle Seahawks War Room - Seattle, WA - 10:18 p.m. EDT

General Manager John Schneider: Carimi and Locker are still available coach. Any preference?

Pete Carroll: Shhhh...I'm just...about...done...

Matt Hasselbeck: I really appreciate this, Coach.

Carroll: Just one last piece of the shoulder...(Carroll gingerly reattaches Hasselbeck's shoulder to his body)...It worked!

(Hasselbeck shatters into a thousand pieces)

Carroll (throws glue bottle across the room): Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

Hasselbeck: Sorry, Coach.

Carroll: Six tries and he still breaks. Draft Jake Locker!!!

Peanut Gallery - Radio City Music Hall - 10:27 p.m. EDT

Jets Fans: J...E...T...S...JETS! JETS! JETS!

Patriots Fans: S...U...C...K...SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

Goodell: With the 30th pick in the NFL Draft, the New York Jets select...Stephen Paea, Defensive Tackle, Oregon State

(Fireman Ed jumps into the aisle and starts running around making airplane arms. He runs into an oversized Chargers fan wearing a Tomlinson jersey.)

Chargers Fan (picks Fireman Ed up off the ground by his collar and bitch slaps him...twice): You are not seven years old. Now stop it.

Main Stage - Radio City Music Hall - 10:35 p.m. EDT

Goodell: With the 31st pick in the NFL Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers select...Ed Hochuli? Pittsburgh, for the fifth and final time, this is a draft for football players! You can not draft referees! If you try it again, your pick will be vacated!

ESPN Anchor Desk - Radio City Music Hall - 10:43 p.m. EDT

Berman: And that'll wrap up today's coverage of the 2011 NFL Draft. For Jon "In an octopus'--"

(Eagles fans flash their brass knuckles at Berman.)

Berman: --Jon Gruden and Mel Kiper, I'm Chris Berman, good night and...(groans)...Cowboys and 49ers suck.

(Eagles fans cheer raucously.)