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Battle Red Onion: Blog Editor Goes Insane, Hires New Writer.

UprootedTexan:  Visionary.  Genius.  Pantsless.
UprootedTexan: Visionary. Genius. Pantsless.

Now Officially Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since Last October, May Durga Help Us All.

May 19, 2011

Renton, Washington

It was just a scant two weeks ago when, editor at Battle Red Blog, announced that he was hiring a new writer to join the staff.  What really made his fellow writers at the Texans blog concerned for Tim's well-being was his willingness to allow anybody to apply for the position.  To read all about it, hit the jump.

"We should have known then that something was wrong with him," said bigfatdrunk, a moderator at the now 2,000,000-visitor strong blog, "You don't just expose a blog to that kind of potential menace.  If anyone does any exposing, it's usually Jordann."

Little did bfd know that his words would prove prophetic.  Among the entrants was a young, plucky, and slightly psychotic poster named Patrick, who goes by the handle 'UprootedTexan.'  Patrick, a 29 year old history teacher from the Seattle area, did not waste much time sending in a submission, mostly because he feared Tim would come to his senses and change his mind.  "I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time," Patrick said, while juggling flaming chainsaws and riding a unicycle, "I mean, if people are going to read my posts that are vaguely Texans-related and liberally doused with coked-up monkey hooker jokes, then I might as well do it as an official writer, y'know?  Now toss me that there kazoo, let's see if I do this playing 'Seven Nation Army!'"

Reaction to the new hire has been, thus far, mixed.  "If I've told him once," said Rivers McCown, "I've told him a thousand times, never EVER drink Zima mixed with Clorox, especially when making staffing decisions!  Honest to Durga, if this isn't a sign that Tim needs an intervention, I don't know what is." 

"I think this hire could go either way, really," said TexansDC (real name withheld at request of the federal witness protection program) while on hold with the Sam Kinison Memorial Insane Asylum (official motto:  Ooooooohhhhhh!! Ohhh-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!). "  Either he'll really increase our readership or we'll all be dead from scorpion stings within a month.  You never can tell with UT."

When asked about the new hire, Matt Campbell, also known as MDC, only said, "Who?"

tehGrindCrusher and Mike Kerns were unavailable for comment as they were too busy begging and pleading for Tim to reconsider his choice, although Kerns had been overheard muttering simply, "Why?  Why us, O Durga?  Why have you forsaken us?"

Renegade Colts fans Colts Homer and TouchdownMonkey said, as representatives of the resident Colts fans, they approve the hire because it would all be "for teh lulz" as they put it.

That being said, Patrick really looks forward to being a major contributor to what he called the "sexy factor" of Battle Red Blog, and announced his top priorities included:  Getting the Colts fans squatting in the basement to finally pay the rent they agreed to in their contract, spending his non-blogging time searching the world for his still-missing pants (he feels that wearing them would make him appear more professional as a blogger, go figure), building a giant likeness of himself in front of his apartment complex for all the furry woodland creatures and his idiot neighbors to worship, banning random people (starting with Rip Jersey for posting that picture of Sanjaya on one of the threads) because "he's never banned anyone before and from sources I've heard, it's a lot of fun to do," and tacos, because tacos are awesome.

Patrick firmly believes that he is more than up to the challenge, although he knows that it won't be all sunshine and lollipops as a BRB staff writer, specifically mentioning, "Boy, I hope Tim was only joking when he said I'd have to give bfd a sponge bath."

Bfd looked over at him, smiled insidiously and slowly shook his head.

Durga help us all, indeed.