Deep in the bowels of Indianapolis, a quarterback and his coach have a secret rendezvous after the 2011 NFL draft in their undisclosed bunker...
The coach noticed a giant, peanut-shaped shadow creep over his Texans defensive scouting reports on his desk.
"Hey Paytun," the Coach said as he looked up to see the grinning visage of his perfectly commercial QB.
"Hey Coach, whatcha got there?" Paytun asked as he settled into his usual plush, leather Lazy Boy recliner across from his coach's desk.
"Just going over the post-draft scouting reports on our divisional opponents," replied the Coach.
"How's it lookin'?" Paytun asked as he kicked up his feet.
"Well, the Hillbillies drafted Locker at #8..." the Coach began, but was cut off by the snorts and guffaws of Paytun's laughter.
"For reals?" Paytun asked incredulously. Coach nodded and Paytun started snorting and guffawing again. Coach waited for Paytun to get uncomfortable laughing by himself before continuing.
"And the Pussycats traded UP to get Blaine Gabbert at #10..." the Coach tried to continue but was again interrupted by Payton's snorting laughter. Now, he had tears running down his face and was pounding the coach's desk. Coach quickly moved his 1999 Aloha Bowl Trophy to safety in a drawer and tried to continue.
"But we might have some problems with the Texans," Coach said and Paytun stopped laughing, but snorted a few more times.
"They got Wade Phillips," Coach pointed at his notes, "and he drafted a lot of defensive help."
"Yea, I heard about that while I was talking to Tommie and the boys at the courthouse..." Payton said excitedly. Coach thought it odd how his eyes lit up when he said "Tommie and the boys".
Paytun went on, "But I thought we got me some new bodyguards in the first two rounds! And the Texans didn't trade up for Von Miller or Patrick Peterson or anyone else Mel Kiper's hair said they should, so they suck, right?!"
Coach just stared at that legume-shaped skull and wondered how its contents were able to dissect NFL defenses with such skill. His contemplation was interrupted by Paytun's repeating, "They suck, right coach? "
"Well, Coach chose his words carefully, "Sure they suck, it's the Texans." Paytun cheered and started snorting and pounding the desk again. Coach let him celebrate a little before he continued, "But I am concerned about what Wade is cooking, especially after the draft."
Paytun look confused, "I thought their draft was stupid since they didn't out-trade Atlanta for Julio Jones. Who is Schaub gonna throw to now, huh? So stupid!"
Coach shook his head and sighed before continuing, "Paytun, don't worry about what their QB is going to do. Let's try to focus on their defense."
"Well, they didn't get Amukajarjar Binks so I'll still be able to complete passes all over the field," Paytun said defiantly, "and they didn't even take that guy from North Carolina who the leprechaun on ESPN said was the best pass rusher on the board... and he even had a whole year off from football to rest!" Paytun was out of breath and thoughts.
"You through?" Coach asked. Paytun shrugged, still out of thoughts. Coach went on, "They didn't need to draft a pass rusher. Wade is going to feature Mario Williams as a pass rusher like DeMarcus Ware."
"But DeMarcus Ware plays for Southern Oklahoma!" Paytun interrupted and then began chanting, "Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma" over and over until the coach came over and slapped him. Coach always hated doing that... mostly because it aggravated his carpal tunnel.
Coach continued as Paytun sat quietly rubbing his reddened cheek. "Wade is going to feature Mario Williams as the primary pass rusher in his defense, meaning Mario will be moved all over the place to find mismatches."
Still rubbing his cheek, Paytun mumbled, "Addai will have to pick him up then, I guess." Coach just shook his head. "Ok, then we'll move a tight end over..." Paytun's voice trailed off as Coach crossed the room to turn off the lights.
"I've got some film for you to watch," Coach said ominously. Paytun stopped laughing because he didn't like it when Coach talked like that. It scared him, and so did the old film projector that was installed in the bunker when it was constructed in the 1960s. Old stuff reminded Paytun that he was running out of time for another Super Bowl.
Coach fired up the projector and showed clip after clip of Mario bull rushing RBs and TEs on his way to QBs over the past six seasons. Paytun began to tremble and tried to hide his eyes from the horror. As usual, the Coach was prepared. He fastened Payton's arms and legs to his Lazy Boy recliner with plastic riot cuffs and taped his eyes open with duct tape. Coach began to yell over Paytun's sobbing, "Watch, Paytun! Watch the blitzing horror that is Mario! Watch him swat Addai aside like a gnat! But it will be worse in Wade's defense. Mario on the left side, Mario on the right, then BAM! Mario will be in your face!"
Paytun became so overwhelmed, he fainted and dreamt about a giant, Super Mario stomping on downtown Indianapolis while Luigi Cushing gobbled up magic mushrooms. After he regained consciousness, Paytun was grateful the projector was off and the lights were back on and said, "Well, at least they'll have a huge hole on the line with him doing all of that." A smile crept across his face as he continued, "And I gots new bodyguards!" Paytun cheered as he looked at the picture of Anthony Castonzo on the big board across the room. Then he noticed his coach wasn't smiling. "What's wrong, Coach?"
"The Texans drafted J.J. Watt," Coach said somberly.
Paytun shrugged and hollered, "Whatever, I never heard of him and they didn't draft a two-gap NT, so we'll just run over 'em! Now let me loose and get this tape off my eyes!"
"Paytun, I've got some good news and some bad news," the Coach said as frustration turned to amusement.
"More bad news?" Paytun asked.
"We don't have a running game," Coach said.
"Oh, that's not news, Coach!" Paytun snorted, "You haven't had that since Wake Forest!" He erupted into laughter as the Coach just shook his head. After he caught his breath, Paytun asked, "So what's the good news?"
"I've got some more tape for you to watch," the Coach said as he flicked the lights off again.
"No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you!" howled Paytun as the Coach laughed maniacally.
"J.J. Watt is number 99 in the red and white," the Coach pointed out as tears streamed down Paytun's face.