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Battle Red Bag, Vol. 1: Home Alone With Mila Kunis

Brbag_mediumAs you ogle the sum total of my Photoshop abilities, there is something you should know.

He needs a name. 

So, next week, feel free to make suggestions.  (Or, for those of you incapable of following directions, feel free to make suggestions in the comments.)

I gotta say, though, you psychopaths came through with flying colors on this week's inaugural bag.  The BRB Community: Fondling The Bag Since 2011.

Anyway, follow me across the jump to discuss diddling cartoons, parenting, Mario Williams, and hockey of a certain kind.



How does it feel to with me and very few others in the "Mario playing as Ware in Wade's 3-4" camp, immediately after Wade's hiring??  Bonus question:  What did you want to do to Willie McGinest, after hearing his critique of the move?

In a word? "Boneriffic."  Or "Bonertastic."  Or something else suggesting sexual arousal.  I mean, I was laboring under the assumption that Mario would be in that role when I wrote about why I thought hiring Wade was a good idea.  When Wade initially made it sound like this wasn't the case, I suddenly had the urge to light things on fire.

In fact, it was my assumption that Mario was going to play the role Durga intended for him that made me more or less happy with the J.J. Watt pick.  (The second coming of Cushing, 2010 edition, pick is a different story.)  So ... yeah.  Boners.

As for Willie, I'm torn.  On the one hand, he's clearly an absolute twit, which one would expect from a USC grad.  (It's the Harvard of South Central!)

On the other, Snoop Dogg reps Willie's jerseys and claims to be tight with him, which kind of gives Willie a free pass.  (Tangent: Snoop Dogg's newest album, Doggumentary, is actually quite enjoyable.  "Wonder What It Do (feat. Uncle Chucc)," "My Fucn House (feat. Young Jeezy and E-40)," "Platinum (feat. R. Kelly)," "Wet," "Take U Home (feat. Daz, Too $hort, and Kokane)," "Superman (feat. Willie Nelson (no, seriously))," and "Eyez Closed (feat. John Legend and Kanye West)" are all good enough to be played more than once.)

In the end, I think all these fears of "OMG, HOW CAN YOU ASK MARIO TO DROP INTO COVERAGE !!1ONE1!" are ridiculous, both because DeMarcus Ware was hardly ever asked to cover and, more importantly, because Wade rarely uses a 3-4 base on 3rd down, opting instead for a 4-3 nickel. yours, McGinest!


A league that gets little coverage, and one that I would normally not give a fig about, except that the local team will be playing for the Calder Cup: AHL hockey

True, it's just a minor league championship and not the NHL, but it is the NHL's "minor league" (sort of like baseball's farm system).

Sorry I can't come up with anything better, but with the lockout going on, and the Astros playing like Disastros most of the time, I'm having a difficult time.
Yes, yes, I know.  That's technically not a question.  Totally true.  But, honestly, when was the last time you knew a woman to follow directions? /misogyny

Oddly, though, texanslady is the second person to mention the AHL Finals to me tonight.  (The first was DisplacedTexan, who, as I write this, is almost certainly drunk out of his gourd.)  When it comes to the NHL, I'm a Red Wings fan, and I have zero concept what the AHL entails. But, whatever ... let's check it out!

It appears that your Houston Aeros, a minor league affiliate of the Minnesota Wild, almost blew a 3-0 series lead but scored the winner with one minute to go Wednesday night in Game 7.  So that's cool.  In the Finals, they'll face something called the Binghamton Senators.  They are from New York.

Who do I think will win?  I have no idea; I know dick about the AHL.  But, based on food, which seems like a good enough metric:  Houston has amazing Mexican food, great BBQ, terrific seafood, ungodly steaks, and pretty much any other kind of food you could you hope for.  Binghamton is kind of close to Buffalo, which has ... wings.  And weck.

That sounds to me like Aeros in 6.

I have a two part question.

I feel Mila Kunis and I would make a great couple. I am definite step up from Macauley Culkin in every respect and I'm ready to begin wooing her into my inconspicuous delivery van and then home for a long term relationship. As anyone who has ever accidentally set their DVR to "auto tune" to Family Guy can attest, that show is on 27 hours a day on 50 or so different channels (and at least 3 different languages). What is the best way to mentally disassociate her voice from that of Meg Griffin if we're about to get it on and I've unwittingly left the television on just within earshot?

The second part of my question has two parts.

Also, I am currently brewing a hefeweizen. Do you think more girls will want to get drunk (and subsequently lower their inhibitions) in my apartment with me if I make it a raspberry hefeweizen instead? And if so, how much do you think Bob McNair is willing to pay Nnamdi Asomughua at most?
My question is why you'd want to dissociate her voice with Meg Griffin? I mean, you could almost pretend like it was a threesome.  Eyes open: Wow, I'm banging Mila Kunis! Eyes closed: Wow, I'm banging Meg Griffin!  How many people get to have a threesome with a super hot real life chick and a cartoon?  Possibly Roger Rabbit, if he got Jessica all coked up.  Otherwise, NO ONE.  You are a lucky man.

Though this all made me wonder: what would be the hottest celeb/cartoon threesome you could have?  I'm leaning toward Alison Brie and Lana Kane.

As for the second (and third) questions...

1. 93.47% of chicks like terribly flavored beers.  So, yeah, the odds are in your favor.  The question you should be asking, though, is what kind of beer Mila likes?  Don't be a selfish lover, Whiskey.

2. Depends on how much Wade thinks he needs Nnamdi.  If the draft taught us anything, it's that Kubiak will sign off on more or less anything Wade claims to need to complete his defense.  I suppose it also taught us never to underestimate the extent to which Kubiak fancies himself the QB Whisperer.

From a realistic and optimistic point of view how do you see the Texans defense performing this year? And, with the uncertainty of when free agency will start, I would say include us getting a defensive veteran in the secondary that will make a impact from the start so that the "what about Scrabble" debate doesn't necessarily have to come into play.
It might be because I'm sick of being negative about the Texans, or it might be because of whatever part of my DNA also makes me think that Amobi Okoye is about to figure it all out, but I am bullish on the Texans' D.  I don't think they will be the Steelers or the Jets, but something akin to what Oakland did last year on defense seems possible.

What do I base this on?  Well, as I've made abundantly clear, I think Mario is going to eat souls and hit people so hard their unborn grandchildren are stillborn 35 years from now.  I think the draft went exceptionally well.  I think Sharpton, Ryans, Cushing, and Barwin (on third down, I guess?) are going to thrive in this system.  I love the idea of Keo and Quin manning the deep part of the field.  And, yes, I feel like Earl Mitchell and --- quick, someone cover Tim's eyes! --- Amobi Okoye are going to thrive playing a one-gap NT role.  The only question mark for me is the corners.

Which brings us to the second part of your question.  I agree that the uncertainty around when FA will start makes the whole thing weird to contemplate.  I put the odds of our signing a veteran CB at over 90%.  I put the odds of our signing a veteran CB who is better than any CB currently on the roster at 80%.  My sneaking suspicion is that Harris will be better than Kareem, but Kareem will hold down the CB2 gig for most (if not all) of the season, with Harris looking fantastic in the nickel package.

If I had to predict a final ranking for the Texans' D?  Somewhere between 11-15.  There, I said it.

La Voz:
With all of this talk of Nnamdi this and Nnamdi that, we're not even certain we can afford to chase him if a CBA is signed and a salary cap put in place.  Even if the lockout is lifted and no cap is put in place for 2011, you know the front office will still spend as though they'll have to abide by a cap in 2012 (which they presumably will).

With this in mind, what is the Texans' 2011 Cap Figure?
I've been curious about this myself and was going to start digging up the info but haven't had the time.  Here's some of the info I had before I gave up the quest for the grail:

2005: Salary Cap - $85.5 Million
2006: Salary Cap - $94.5/102 Million (CBA extension, new formula)
2007: Salary Cap - $109 Million
2008: Salary Cap - $116.7 Million
2009: Salary Cap - $128 Million
2010: No Salary Cap (Projected Cap: 135.5*)
2011: ??? (Projected Cap: 143.92*)
*linear projection using data beginning in 2006 through previous year

As the info above notes, if we assume the 2011 Salary Cap follows the trend from previous capped years (using 2006 as a base point with its new formula [formula itself unknown]), we can figure the new cap would be $143.92 million.

By the way, I do expect that finding the cap figure will be a big task.  If I can't take it on, I wouldn't expect someone else to.  However, this could be turned into a BRB Scavenger Hunt, employing the readers to find this info and post it in the thread comments (as well as making sure they cite their source so it can be verified).  If you could facilitate that effort then I think you would spawn many other interesting threads (i.e., litany of things the Texans could/should do with their cap space).
OK, last things first, I agree that it's a safe bet that teams will sign players as if there will be a cap in 2012.  What's more, I think they will sign players as if the same (or very similar) rules for contracts will be back in place in 2012.  In this scenario, the 50% rule will prevent teams from frontloading the hell out of deals, just because they don't want to be stuck with the different between Y1 and Y2 being treated as a signing bonus over the rest of the deal.  I don't know that the assumption (that the rule will be similar to pre-lockout contract rules) is legit, however, simply because the same people who will be signing the players in 2011 will be the ones negotiating on one side of the deal for 2012 and beyond.

All that said, my guess is that there will not be a cap in 2011.  We're a few days from June, and the preseason starts in less than 90 days.  Barring some sort of totally unexpected agreement being reached in the next week or two, my gut feeling is that they'll punt 2011 by using the 2010 uncapped-year rules.  If the owners cause 2011 to be uncapped, I'd say that they are not likely to hamstring themselves by agreeing to rules that would punish them in 2012 for relatively realistic contracts signed in 2011.

That's all a long way to say, um ... my guess as to what the 2011 cap will be is $0.

BUT, if we are going to flesh out this hypo, I agree with La Voz that it's on the rest of you guys to make this happen.  Something in the $144M range sounds reasonable, but I have reservations using a linear model on something as bizarre as the current bargaining situation.  So I'll just throw out an over/under to get things started: $156M.

I had a really long version of this and my computer died, so I guess you are saved from the multi-paragraph rant about Arian Foster. The short version: Is it reasonable to expect a repeat performance from Foster? My reasons included the difficulty of repeat performances in the NFL, the fact that everyone knows who Foster is now and that other teams know they have to watch out for him. Remember that gold-teethed, illiterate halfback from the Titans who was the next big thing since The Sweetness? Yeah...he really had a great follow up year. DeAngelo Williams is another fine example. It's just so common to have one-hit wonders in sports that I'm skeptical of Foster's legitimacy as a top-5 running back. I mean, are we really so lucky as to have THE BEST receiver in the game and an All-Pro back? I just can't help but be a cynic. What are your thoughts?

Also, if Foster does have a great follow up year he will need a bad ass nickname. Due to his TD celebration (if you can call it that) and his philosophy degree, how about The Prophet? (Does he already have a nickname? Did I miss it?)
I do think there's something to the one-hit-wonder status of some running backs (*cough*Steve Slaton*cough*), but I think you might be selling ol' Cop Speed a little short.  God, it pains me to say that.  His rookie year was 1,488 total yards, 2009 was 2,509, and 2010 was 1,609.  Sure, 2010 was a fall off from his amazing 2009 season, 1,400 yards of which came in one game against Houston, but it wasn't a terrible year by most standards.

DeAngelo Williams, on the other hand, is a gimp who has played in 16 games once.  I'm fine calling him a one-hit wonder.  I'm also fine lighting him on fire in front of his grandparents while screaming, "You screwed my fantasy team, you jerkoff!"  Either answer is totally ok.
As for Foster, he seems like the kind of guy who, while he might not be the #1 rusher in the league next year, is still going to be damn good.  His vision is absolutely amazing, he's a perfect fit for this offense, and he seems big enough to take more of a pounding than Steve Slaton could.

Is he the best RB in the league? Maybe not; there are certainly bigger, faster guys out there, many of whom have at least one season on their resumes as dominant as what Foster just had.  But is he Top-5?  I think you have to assume so until proven otherwise.  Which is pretty bad ass, honestly.

Cut Block:
Do you really feel that raising your daughter to be a lesbian is logical? I mean, there are plenty of bulls out there who could wipe the floor wit yous.
I've considered this, but the reason to raise her a lesbian is not to avoid getting in a fight with someone.  It's to avoid walking into my house, seeing some teenage jagoff doing unseemly things with my daughter, and being forced to curbstomp him in front of the house as a lesson to other would-be suitors.  I was once a teenage jagoff, as were you, and we both know how they think.  We both also know the dumb crap they say to girls, and I'd hate to have to ground my daughter for doing something as stupid as believing anything one of these jagoffs told her.

On the other hand, lesbians and I tend to get along.  If the girlfriend happened to be particularly butch, I suppose we'd just have to bond over (a) football, (b) beer, and (c) how other dudes are total jagoffs.

Trust me; I've thought this through.

What is your name?

What is your favorite color?

What the hell are you going to do on Sundays this fall without NFL games to watch (other than random criminal activities, according to he who definitely did not stab a bitch)?
MDC. Or, as BFD calls me, Snoogums McCuddlyWuddly.

The primary color of anyone playing the Cowboys on a given week.  Also, orange.

Watch Tottenham Hotspur matches that I record and save until Sunday?  Masturbate?  Both?  (Both.)

Finally, the fearless leader, Tim:
1.  Best piece of parenting advice you'd give to someone with a newborn in the house?

2.  What are the three things you like most about living in Little Rock?

3.  What are the three things you think you'd like most about living in Houston?  The smart money says your answer to this question is Rivers, DisplacedTexan, and Ninfa's on Navigation.
1. Volunteer to do midnight diaper duty.  Within a week of practicing, you'll be so fast at changing a diaper and passing the little bugger off to mom for some quality suckling that you won't even really wake up to do it.  You'll make a NASCAR pit stop seem like plate tectonics.  You'll be snuggled back in bed in under 3 minutes every single time.  Meanwhile, the wife will be sitting up in bed, feeding little Timobi, and plotting your eventual murder.  But, hey ... you're asleep.  The hell do you care if she's angry?

(For the ladies?  Um...I'd suggest napping whenever the baby naps.  You ain't gettin' near as much sleep as the babydaddy, so you might as well get it when you can.  Honestly, though, it's pretty clear that there's no advice I can give that makes your role in birthing and rearing that kid any less tedious.  Sorry about that.)

2. Um...


I suppose I'd have to go with (a) my job, which is pretty sweet and involves 100% less felon-wang photography than my previous job; (b) the proximity to Memphis, which is a really fun town that embraces debaucherous alcoholism; and (c) my deep and abiding belief that Arkansas is some sort of meta punchline foisted upon the Earth by beings much great than us.

3. (a) Your dad, (b) the ability to buy beer on Sundays, and (c) Ninfa's on Navigation.  (Note: This list is currently 108 items long, and it includes such entries as (j) kolaches, (z) seafood, (mm) corrupting your kid, and (aaa) not being in Little Rock.)