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Battle Red Blog Glossary, Second Edition: Now With A Hint of Bleachy Goodness!

Every so often, someone will ask why the BRB Glossary hasn't been updated. We then usually laugh heartily at how long it's been since an update has been created and forget about it afterward. With Summer coming, the hopes for a lockout at an all-time high, and the fact that I can't think of anything substantive to write about today, we finally bring you, at long last, a second edition of the Battle Red Blog Glossary.

Most of the terms on here have been ripped off from the original BRB Glossary which, in turn, took some of its terms from DGDB&D. I have added a few that I could think of off the top of my head as well. So before we go on, I want to give props to MDC and bfd for coming up with many of the original terms and tGC for compiling the original list.

I should add that this is by no means a complete list, so if you can think of a term that's not on the list, please include it in the comments and I will update them as quickly as I can.


Alex Smith's Fluffer - Former Texans pretty boy QB David Carr.

AllenOU'd - To double post accidentally.

AllenOU'd - To double post accidentally.

Apostrophe - Former Texans WR Andre' Davis.

Assmass - How big a player's ass is, as measured in pounds or kilograms.


Baddest Person Who Ever Lived, The - Andre Johnson (I dare anyone to prove this wrong).

BANNED! - Threatening to ban somebody for no reason.

Ballhawk Gamecock - The player formerly known as Fred Bennett.

Barbaro - Charles Spencer, former LT of the Texans who got injured in a freak accident and never fully recovered.

Basement, The - Where erstwhile Colts squatters reside and pay homage rent to BRB staff for our kindness.

Battle Red Carpet Defense - Alleged scheme of former Texans' defensive coordinator Frank Bush.

Battling - Trying really, really hard to compete, despite the complete lack of results from said efforts.

Beelzebud - K.S. Adams, owner of the BE-SFs, supreme ruler of Hell.

BE-SFs - Baby-Eating Sister-F***ers, also known as the Tennessee Titans. To find out why, click here.

Bitchephant - Kama's "wheels," though nobody can explain to me what this means.

Bleach - The drink of preference for watching the Texans play, usually on defense.

Bone Crusher - Former Texans SS Bernard Pollard.


Captain - Texans ILB DeMeco Ryans.

Caveman - Texans RT Eric Winston.

Clorox - The official bleach of Battle Red Blog, mostly for its smooth finish and lemony aftertaste.

Cokeboys - Football team from Arlington, Southern Oklahoma.

Comicle, The - A Houston newspaper whose coverage of sports often appears to be written by bored chimpanzees.

Cost-Effective - Coachspeak for a crappy player who barely justifies his draft position. Example: Zac Diles.

Cowgirls - See also: Cokeboys

Coors Light - Tim's beverage of choice, though nobody understands why. Badmouthing it will result in being BANNED!


Dallas - City without a football team; closest city with NFL team is Arlington.

Dead Horse - The only proper response to any joke made about the Texans having a lot of tight ends.

DeJesus - See also: Captain.

Dierdorfed - Pretending to be knowledgeable while being so lazy, ignorant and verbose that you reveal your shallowness in excruciating detail.

Disruptacon - Texans DE Antonio Smith.

Durga - A Hindu goddess to whom Texans fans pray for good luck, though she usually ignores them.


Elephant - Large pachyderm that inspired fear and awe in primitive humans, also Mario Williams.

End Around - The exact same play as a reverse.

Evil Genius - Former Texans DT Frank Okam.

EWWW - Former Texans FS Eugene Wilson, currently possibly riding the rails as a hobo.


Falconry - A big-time sport for big-time athletes.

Five-Head - Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning, possessor of an oversized forehead.

Footie, The - New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan.

Frenchy - Former Texans CB Jacques Reeves.

F***stomp - To embarrass or destroy opposing team. Loss usually results with double facepalm Many bandwagoners of affected team either jump ship before sinking or denying their team support three times before the rooster crows. Example: The Indianapolis Colts got f***stomped by the Houston Texans, 34-24.


Glacier - Texans RB Derrick Ward.

Going Down to Field Level - The surefire solution to any problem, defense-related or otherwise.

Gozer - Sumerian deity to whom Texans fans pray for bad luck to fall upon other teams; patron deity of haters.


High Motors - What the defense's players supposedly have; also the next generation of dead horse jokes.

Horse Vomit - The secret ingredient in Coors Light.

Hugene - Eugene Seale.

Human Coke Machine, The - Texans FB Vonta Leach.


Innegan - Titans CB formerly known as Cortland Finnegan, who had the 'F' beaten out of him by The Baddest Person Who Ever Lived.


Jakespeare - Jacoby Jones, the Bard of the locker room. Known for his ironically incomprehensible musings on the Twitter.

Jerrah - Owner of the Cokeboys/Cowgirls franchise in Dallas Arlington. May or may not have been exposed to the Ark of the Covenant.

Jumbovah - Current Texans defensive savior coordinator Wade Phillips.


K-Dub - Texans WR Kevin Walter.

K-Jax - A special blend of bleach for consumption when Kareem Jackson gets burned by the offense.

Kubillips - An unholy fusion of a very good offensive mind in Gary Kubiak and excellent defensive mind in Wade Phillips.


Leprechaun - See: Innegan.

Little Dicky Justice, Age 12 - Vince Young's soulmate. Also one of the chief chimpanzees at the Comicle.

LVJ - Lyndon Veins Johnson, also known as Kevin Bentley. The reasons behind this could be found at DGDB&D, if it still existed.


Methopotamia - Where the BE-SFs reside.

Mothership -, the official website of the Houston Texans.

Mittens - See also: Alex Smith's Fluffer.


OD - Texans TE, and part-time secret agent, Owen Daniels.


Pancakes - A Texas-size version of the Sally Struthers character from South Park who seems more pre-occupied with landing movie roles than writing about sports. Also writes for the Comicle.

Panda Suit - An unfortunate tradition usually involving bfd and Jordann, who wears said panda suit and does...I...I can't finish this one, the horror! The horror!

Patrick Willis - Before the San Francisco game, we discovered that some of our friends at Niners Nation think a wee bit too highly of their (admittedly very excellent) linebacker. I'll let someone else explain it from here. Take it away, TexansForever:

When the ball is snapped, WIllis bursts out of his Jersey and flies 20 feet up into the air (spinning in a 360) as he is surrounded by a Holy Light and wings sprout from his back. He then splits into the three aspects, Coverer, Tackler and Son. Each aspect then converges on an opposing player and blankets him in a radiant light of blinding glory while the offense falls prostrate in divine worship.

Peepants - Former Texans center Chris White.

Pterodactyl - Texans RB and team poet laureate Arian Foster. Fluently speaks the language of said dinosaur.


Q-Tip - The second darkest day in Houston Texans history, cornerback Glover Quin's attempt to bat down a Hail Mary pass only to have it land in the hands of a Jaguars receiver for a game-winning touchdown.


Radio - Former BE-SFs' QB Vince Young.

Ragdoll - Up until 2010, the nickname for Texans center Chris Myers.

Reverse - The exact same play as an end around.

Rosencopter - The darkest day in Houston Texans history, Sage Rosenfels' attempt to get one more first down against Indy that led to the Texans coughing up a 17 point lead with five minutes left to play.


Satan - See also: Beelzebud.

Scott - Rumored co-founder of BRB. In actuality, Tim's alter-ego who only appears after Tim downs too much Zima.

Shankapotamus - Kris Brown, our (praise be to Durga) ex-kicker; cut by the Texans after discovering he's been trying to kick with his foot on backwards.

Smoove Will - Former Texans FS Will Demps.

Southpaw'd - To accuse others of racism for any reason.

Squatters - Exiled Colts fans residing in the Basement.

Stone Handed Zombie - See also: EWWW


Tebus - Broncos QB Tim Tebow, possibly Patrick Willis' long-lost brother.

Teh Schaub - Texans QB and our fearless leader, Matt Schaub.

Three Pies and A Cloud of Meringue - Ron Dayne.

THOR - The Hero Of Rice, Texans TE James Casey, and Norse God of Thunder.

Timobi McOye - Texans DE/DT Amobi Okoye, and Tim's favoritest player evar.

Touchback - Texans RB and ill-fated kick returner Steve Slaton.

Traffic Cone - See also: EWWW.


Unicorn Blood - Mario Williams' primary source of nourishment.


Vanilla - Level of complication of Frank Bush's alleged defensive scheme. Often resulted in Battle Red Carpet Defense.

Vodka - BE-SFs' QB Kerry Collins.

Vonta Leach KTFO Award, The - An award formerly given by DGDB&D for people who had been knocked the f*ck out in a style the Human Coke Machine would approve of. Ought to be resurrected (hint, hint).


Weeble - Texans CB Kareem Jackson, who just fell down.

Weightspeed - The sum of weight and speed. Extremely useful in gauging a player's ability as well as determining liability in motor vehicle collisions.

Winstonsaurus - See also: Caveman.


Zima - A demonic substance forged in the bowels of Hell that, when ingested rapidly, turns otherwise sane bloggers into raving lunatics.

Zoolander - See also: Alex Smith's Fluffer.