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Battle Red Onion: Kubiak, Texans Scientists Create Hybrid Wide Receiver.

Gary <strike>E. Coyote</strike> Kubiak:  Super Genius.
Gary E. Coyote Kubiak: Super Genius.

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since Last October.

July 7, 2011

Houston, Texas

What would happen if you combined Arian Foster's running skills with Matt Schaub's throwing ability?  Or Mario Williams' strength with Trindon Holliday's speed?  The answer to these questions may be closer than originally thought.  In a move that is sure to cause controversy, Texans head coach Gary Kubiak, with the help of the Texans' medical research staff, have merged wide receivers Jacoby Jones and Kevin Walter into a single receiver.  To find out more about this potential abomination of science, hit the jump.

Back in June, Kubiak said that Jones' and Walter's combined numbers would make them the single best number two wide receiver in the National Football League, with 102 catches for 1,200 yards.  Since then, Kubiak and company had worked in secret with the Texans' medical staff to find a way to make this potential number two receiver a reality.

"We're very proud of the work we've done here over the last several days," said Dr. Helmut Merkwurdigliebe, special consultant to the Texans medical staff. "It really is a new day for the football world.  No longer will coaches have to put up with sub-standard talent on the roster; when all they need to do is create a single player engineered to have the best skills of each player involved.  And just think of the savings involved!"

Kubiak was uneasy about the moral implications of the procedure, hemming and hawing for weeks before the interview, but went ahead with it when he saw how it could make his team better.  "Well, I'll be honest and say I didn't like the idea at first; I battled with myself to allow this to go forward, and that's on me.  But now that it's done, we have a receiver with blazing speed and has the hands to catch any pass.  It's like I'm playing Madden in real life!"

There had been some concern among the coaching staff about how the non-hybrid players would take to their new teammate.  So far, "Jacovin" has had no trouble socializing with the other players.  "They haven't changed much, personality-wise," said Texans right tackle Eric Winston, "In fact, I can finally understand what Jacoby Jones is actually saying now.  I'd say that's an improvement in itself."  "They're still the same guys, really," added fellow wide receiver David Anderson, "but I have to say, I hope the next time they do this, they work on appearance.  Because, he's/they're 'Ark of the Covenant' ugly."

The possibilities of creating hybrid players are endless.  But Coach Kubiak already knows what he plans to do for his next hybrid.  "I think it would only be fitting if I combined Owen Daniels' pass catching ability with Garrett Graham's healthy legs, and then I'll merge James Casey with Joel Dreessen.  Oooh, and then I'll combine those hybrids to make a super-ultra-mega-hybrid TE, which means I'll have room on the roster for even more tight ends.  I'm really starting to like this idea."

While there are sure to be detractors and protesters to this new wave of players, Jacovin is not the first hybrid player engineered to play football.  He is merely the first successful attempt.  In 2006, the Tennessee Titans attempted to combine former running back Lawrence Philips with undrafted safety Nate Hogan.  Unfortunately, something went tragically awry, and the world wound up with this:


Cortland Finnegan Innegan.  If that isn't a cautionary tale about the dangers of hybridizing players, then nothing is. Jacovin isn't even the first attempt by the Texans to create a hybrid players.  Several years back they tried to merge running back Chris Brown with former quarterback B.J. Symons.  "The idea was that we would have a running back who could make all the throws required of a quarterback," Kubiak said.  The end result was the now-infamous halfback pass. "I said then that we would never try such an experiment again, especially if it could cost us wins."

Of course, if this hybridization process worked so well on Jacovin, what could it do with players that are already good, such as Andre Johnson?  It turns out Kubiak isn't all that interested in finding out.  "Why would I want to mess with perfection?  That would be Frank Bush foolish."

What changed Kubiak's mind about hybridizing players?  A blurb in his scouting notes.  "The Colts, it seems, are close to creating a hybrid of Peyton Manning and wide receiver Pierre Garcon.  We have a hard enough time bringing down Peyton when he has the running ability of a drunk octopus.  If he ever learns to run like Garcon, he'll be completely unstoppable.  I mean, we must be increasingly alert to prevent them from taking over the hybridization race, in order to fuse more prodigiously than we do, thus knocking us out with superior players when the season begins.  We must not allow...a hybridized player gap!"

Might we suggest a Mario/Connor Barwin hybrid to defend against this new Peyerre Garning combination?