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Battle Red Bag, Vol. 7: Rivers Au Vin

[Author's note: There were a lot of questions for this week's Bag, so I had to hold four or five of them for next week.]

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am fairly obsessive when it comes to any of my hobbies. One of those hobbies, however, is maintaining a fantastic lawn. To the left is a picture of pride and joy. Obviously, I do not let anyone --- especially children --- walk on the grass.

But yesterday afternoon, I'm at home and I see my son and some heathen redheaded child walk across the grass. Before I could even get to the front door to browbeat them, however, I see this worthless, borderline-idiotic ginger stop and pull a rose off my rose bush. I was apoplectic.

I threw open the front door. "What the hell did you just do?!?"

"Uh, nothing," the child-in-need-of-face-punching replied.

"Yes, you did! Yes. You. Did. You pulled a rose off my bush! Have you lost your mind? Don't EVER let me see you do that again!"

"Uh ... ok. Sorry," replied the dolt, now close to tears.

"I don't care if you are sorry. Just don't do it again. Ever."

The redheaded object of my scorn looked around for somewhere to hide. I figured I should say something to break the tension.

"Oh, and stay off the grass, too!"


In this week's bag, we tackle existential questions, movie remakes, Arian Foster's future, Priest Holmes' past, Archer, copulation with Petey Faggins, warp speed, movie quotes, BRB survival, and Casey Anthony (twice!).  Enjoy!


To provide the mailbag with a multitude of questions, I asked a couple of my friends to answer this following prompt:

"If you could ask the smartest person in the world one question, of any subject matter and as raunchy or simple as you want, what would you ask?"

Smartest person in the world ... I was being generous, Matt. Very generous.

However interesting an exercise I thought it would be, only the first answer I got really intrigued me. Everyone else was overly existentialist. Anyway, here ya go:

Aaron (Chinese): "Do pornstars like Asians? Wait, he's just gonna stereotype that asians have small-ass d--ks. Do pornstars like Asians with big-ass d--ks?"

Robert: "‎​I would ask about metaphysics like death, afterlife, if we're all connected, what life will be like in the future, or keys to being successful."

Peter: "For what reason do we live?"

Vinay: "I'd probably ask them to tell me what I should do with my life."

Ashok: "How do you know this is all real, and we're not puppets in a puppet show?"

Me: "My sister wants me desperately to become a lawyer. I reason that my life will be fairly miserable compared to what it could be if I choose to go down that path years down the line (based on the lifestyle of lawyers I know). People on the softball team for my sister's law firm tell me I'm making the right choice by not hoping to pursue it. As a lawyer yourself, what do you say, o wisest man in the world?"

I have few rules in life, but one of them is this: if you refer to me as the "smartest person in the world," you get to lead off the mailbag.  Not because I am flattered, mind you, but because you deserve to go first for being so very, very right.

Anyway, my answers:

Aaron: Why not ask whether pornstars like Santa Claus or sasquatch jerky or vacationing in Freedonia or good Ben Affleck movies?

Robert:  Keys to being successful?  All you have to do is figure out Phase 2.


Peter: To be able to look back and say that you did the best you could while you were stuck in this place, had as much fun as you could while you were stuck in this place, played as hard as you could while you were stuck in this place, and dogged as many girls as you could while you were stuck in this place.  (Whether you sign Coach Conrad's pledge is up to you.)

Vinay: I took this incredibly scientific and not-at-all-ridiculous quiz for you, answering how I assumed you would answer.  The answer said, "The ideal thing for your personality type is to be self-employed,an inventor, or something in the computer field."  So, uh ... yeah.

Ashok: A distinct like of a hand up my ass and/or strings attached to my extremities.

Vivek: I dunno.  I know lawyers, myself included, generally make it sound like we are miserable turds who hate what we do, but (at least in my case) a lot of that is for laughs.  I actually love my job 95% of the time.  That said, a lot of the people you would go to law school with would make you wish you had a time machine and an abortion gun.  Also, depending on where you go to school, you have between a 75% and 100% chance of emerging as an alcoholic.  I suppose, in the end, it comes down to what being a lawyer would take the place of.  If you're asking "Should I be a lawyer or a doctor," the answer is clearly doctor.  If you're comparing being a lawyer and being a fluffer, the answer is probably lawyer.  It's a sliding scale.


BRB Staff takes a vacation.  Plane crashes. The whole staff survives, but now find themselves stuck on a deserted island.  Will they live long enough to be rescued? Who gets eaten first? (Obvious answer would be BFD.) Will Mike Kerns' love for "Lost" benefit him? Can Tim make Zima out of coconut juice?

I guess that counts as four questions.  But whatever.

Live long enough to be rescued?  Oh, hell yes.  Can you think of a crew more suited for survival in inhospitable climes than nine bloggers, most of whom are over 30 and out of shape? I certainly cannot.

No way am I eating BFD, and it's for the same reason you look for spareribs that weigh 3.5 lbs or less: the bigger ribs come from older hogs, and older animals have tough, gristly meat.  BFD is damn near 40 (which also makes him damn near a man), so he'd probably taste like shoe leather and patchouli (because he's an old hippie).  Instead, I think Rivers would be on the menu, because he is only 26 and because he called me a selfish prick once.

Kerns' love for "Lost" would be no help unless our ordeal suddenly became disjointed and stupid and people stopped caring whether we were found or not.

With this group, I have little doubt that the plane wreckage would be fashioned into a crude still and coconuts distilled into a fine, Zima-like booze.  We'd serve it in hollowed out coconuts along with our filets o' Rivers topped with some fire-roasted pineapple sauce.

(Taco?) Joe:

First off I hate everything Dallas, but during the Finals I made the painful choice of rooting for the Mavs. My friends hated me for it since we are all from Houston, but I just cant stand Princess Fail and The Revolution. What really set them off was when i said that I would rather cheer for the Utah Jizz than Wade, I mean LeBron and Company, should they ever meet in the Finals. (I would cheer for the Asteroid shower, but, in the event that it doesn't show up, I have to pick one.)  Keep in mind that anyone who has watched the Rockets while growing up absolutely hates everything the Jizz stand for.

So my question is, have I lost my Rockets fan card forever or am I on a one-season suspension? Should I even care since the league sucks now more than ever? Should I continue to cheer for the Rockets even when we continue to miss the playoffs by 2 games while the teams in the east continue to suck ass and yet get 6th seeds in their weak-ass conference?

Last, I've never seen an episode of Archer, so where would it fall in a race with South Park, Futurama, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Robot Chicken, The Boondocks, and Metalocalypse?

As for the Finals part, I understand your dilemma.  I found myself rooting for Miami (to the extent I cared at all) because I just couldn't bring myself to root for Southern Oklahoma.  That said, you can hardly be faulted for rooting against LeBron.  [Best post-Finals LeBron joke I heard: If you ask LeBron for change for a dollar, he only gives you three quarters.]  [Also, random fact: His name does not, in fact, mean "The Bron."]

Now, saying you would root for Utah over The Bron and LeHeat?  That's a tougher call.  To answer it, I enlisted the help of grungedave, founder of The Dream Shake.  Dave says:

It's a close call...

but the LeBron-era Heat are far more threatening than the current Jazz.  If the reader swears an oath to constantly remind himself (for the rest of LeBron's time in Miami and beyond) and his fellow Rockets fans how much he hated the Jerry Sloan-era Jazz, then we can let him off with a warning and time served.  No suspension.

Finally, Archer trumps all of those in one way or another.  I'd put the two seasons of Archer up against any two seasons of those shows, honestly.  It blends intelligent humor with lowbrow, literary references with spy-movie gags, misogyny with mommy issues, male breast cancer with Family Feud, and oral sex with puffy stickers.  It works on so many levels.  BONUS CLIP TIME!


What is your favorite Archer moment?

If you were in the same situation as Cyril, what would you have done?

Favorite Archer moment?  Oddly, it's a subtle moment in "El Secuestro" from this season.  Brett has been shot accidentally by Cyril and is bleeding out on the floor.  Then the following exchange takes place:

Malory: [to Cyril and Lana] Well, now this is just a disaster!
Brett: [offscreen] Yeah, ya think?!?
Malory: What? [sees Brett] Not you, Mr. Bloodmobile.
Archer: [giggling to self] Heh...he got shot again.

I suppose that's only funny if you've seen the clip, however.  But I couldn't find it.  So, instead, here's a screen shot from the same episode:


Yeah, that's a Lord Byron reference.

If I were in Cyril's situation?  I'd probably enjoy the fact that I had a massive wang and was banging someone as hot as Lana.  But no way could I pass up The Pele of Anal.


1) You are given a choice to remove one of the following three events from history: Rich Rodriguez's tenure at Michigan, Travis Hafner's contract extension with the Indians, or the selection of David Carr No. 1 overall in 2002. Which is your selection?

2) Given the idea that any fast food place that exists within the majority of the country is eligible, rank fast food restaurants into tiers. (Hint: Arby's is in the last tier.)

3) What is the most important element in making an enjoyable animated TV show?

1) David Carr.  I loved Julius Peppers and wanted the Texans to take him.  Besides, I was a huge Rodriguez apologist, mainly because I hated Lloyd Carr so much, but also because he made Denard Robinson a god in 2010.  Hafner's contract sucks, but it's hard to hate too much while the Indians are overachieving like they have been so far.  Plus, Pronk's 2011 line has been solid.

2) Tier 1 (no order): Chick-Fil-A, Bojangles, Whataburger, White Castle (here for its drunk-food amazingness), In-and-Out Burger, Five Guys, Jack In The Box.

Tier 2 (no order): Taco Bell (drunk food), Wendy's, Carl's Jr., Popeye's, Subway, Blimpie's, Schlotzky's, Del Taco, Arby's (unique items, waffle fries, better than places like McDonald's), Chipotle/Qdoba (fungible), Steak-N-Shake, Dairy Queen, Sonic.

Tier 3 (no order): Burger King, Captain D's, Long John Silver's, KFC, Taco Bueno, Tastee-Freez, Church's Chicken, McDonald's.

3) Looking at the ones I like best (Archer, Simpsons, The Boondocks, Squidbillies), I think it's the writing.  It doesn't have to be hyper-intelligent, but it has to seem like the writers expect their audience to pick up on the subtle jokes and not just bash you over the head with them (i.e., like Family Guy).  I like a mix of lowbrow jokes and esoteric references, and the dialog has to keep moving. 


I meant to write in for this past mailbag, but it being the weekend of the 4th, I was far too drunk to either open my laptop or remember to charge my iPhone, so I figured I'd take care of this at work when I should be doing more productive things like working up a transportation budget or playing solitaire.

1.  What do you think are the top ten most best lines in a movie?  I'm not sure where it would go on the list, but when Edward Norton says, "I still can't think of anything" after about 120 minutes of flashback has got to be up there.

2. Assuming we have a full (and on time) NFL season, what's the best way to manage my time during my first year of law school (UH) so that I can follow the Texans and not be throwing away thousands of dollars to be on the shaming portion of the curve?  If I can't follow the NFL, I might just snap, and I'd hate for my future roommate to get screwed out of a deposit because he couldn't get my bits of gray matter out of the carpets/walls.

1. Jeez, that's damn hard.  I think you're right that that line would be in a top-10 list, just because of subtle it is.  So, I'll pick nine more. As a ground rule, I'm not going to pick any of the "famous" lines like "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," even if some of those lines really are bad ass.  Even so, I know I'm going to omit some great ones, and I'm certainly going to focus mainly on my favorite movies, but here goes:

  • "Why, Ed! Does this mean we're not friends anymore? You know, Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend... I just don't think I could bear it." Doc Holliday, Tombstone
  • "'PC Load Letter'?! What the f--k does THAT mean?!"  --Michael Bolton, Office Space
  • "I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the crown jewel of Southeast Asia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture --- and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill."  --Private Joker, Full Metal Jacket
  • "Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again! I dare you; I double dare you, motherf--ker! Say what one more g--damn time!" --Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction
  • "Clearly you're not a golfer."  --The Dude, The Big Lebowski
  • "We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f--king Kaye!"  --Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation
  • "Charlie don't surf!"  --Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore, Apocalypse Now
  • "Look, I am hung over, my knees are killing me, and, if you're gonna pull this shit, at least you could've said you were from the Yankees"  --Jake Taylor, Major League
  • "I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me, and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro."  --Louis Winthorpe III, Trading Places

2. I'll give you the responsible answer and the realistic answer, and you can choose which one you think will work for you.  The first is, you block out noon-to-six on Sundays as personal time, knowing that you will need to either do your reading before or after this block of time to prepare for Monday.

The second is, you realize that law school is not really that much work during the semester and that it all comes down to the week before finals start.  So you follow football, drink, hang out with friends, chase tail, and all that good stuff from late August through Thanksgiving, then you get the Law-In-A-Flash cards for your 1L classes, locate a good outline or two from people who've taken the class before, and study those things.  Case in point: I literally went to Evidence twice.  I did not read anything in the book the entire semester.  I crammed on the flashcards and an outline and came out of there with a B.  You'll be fine.


Brian Cox may not have played Principal Joe Clark, but he did play the Original Hannibal Lecter and he was the Chief of Police in Super Troopers.

That's pretty sweet.

All the talk about warp speed got me to thinking, you know even if it were discovered tomorrow, it would kinda be worthless because we still haven't discovered how to generate artificial gravity. Do you agree?

Which Star Trek series is your favorite and why?

Wrong Brian Cox.  I was referring to this dude, not this dude.

As for artificial gravity, I don't know that that's a problem.  It sort of depends on what we're talking about with warp "speed."  If you mean "the ability to travel at close to the speed of light," then, yeah, gravity (or, more accurately I think, inertia) would be a problem because accelerating to that speed would smash you into a gooey puddle in your seat, so you'd have to find some way around that (Star Trek used fictional "inertial dampeners").  On the other hand, if you're talking about "the ability to warp space time so that the relative distance traveled is much shorter," then a lack of artificial gravity is no more a problem while warping space than it is for astronauts in a regular space shuttle.  In the first situation, it's like sitting in your car and flooring it --- you're going to feel the acceleration.  In the second scenario, it's like sitting in your car and having the road shorten in front of you (and expand behind you) so that you only seem to travel twenty feet or whatever to reach Canada.

Star Trek?  I was never a huge fan, but I watched Next Generation fairly regularly because I grew up in the middle of nowhere and we couldn't even get cable, so I was at the mercy of network television until I was 18.  Plus, you know, Levar Burton.

(Not Taco?) Joe:

I came across an interesting program on The History Channel the other day about angels actually being extraterrestrials.  One of the things they brought up was the physical location of the wings on an angel would make them useless.  Their theory was they had the ability to fly or had other means (i. e., a jetpack), so our ancestors put wings on their back because they couldn't understand it.  I have trouble believing an alien race would develop to look almost completely like humans as depicted in statues and art.  My theory is there was some sort of time machine built in our future and we were using it to go back to that time period for some reason and there was a restriction on others or it was shutdown/destroyed "for the greater good" or something to that effect.  I can explain the flight of angels with possible mini jetpacks and the glowing with a light on those jetpacks for ease of navigation or a safety thing built in to the jetpacks.  

The program also said some angels mated with humans and made a race of giants supposedly.  My theory is supported on the basis that the average human height back then was small (probably around 5 feet) and the average now is around 6 I think.  I believe humans are growing so by the time said time machine would be available, it isn't unreasonable to assume that the average human height is then 7 foot or greater.  The race of "giants" created by the fallen angels would only be about 7 feet or so tall but in that time would seem like giants.

What are your thoughts on this?

Short version of my thoughts: whoa.

Longer version: My problem with this is that I can't come up with a reason why people in, say, 3050 or whatever would decide that they needed to go back to 100 BCE.  I mean, yeah, going to that time is no more arbitrary than going to any other time, I suppose, but it seems pointless to go back to a period when people would have no way to comprehend your existence.  It seems similar to if I invented cold fusion in my garage and then went to a village in Outer Mongolia to show it off.

Also, I have a lot of trouble believing that humans would shut down a time machine and/or not use it on a wider scale than just traveling to the middle east thousands of years ago.  Even in 3050, it seems like, if you are going to risk screwing up the future by going into the past (which we've covered before), there are more productive times you could travel to and things you could do.  (i.e., smother baby Hitler in his crib, smother baby Jose Mesa in his crib...).

All that said, your explanation makes FAR more sense than any explanation that involves angels.  At least yours uses human and explains the details in a way that doesn't rely on religious mysticism.


I think it's a known fact that crazy women are demons in the sack.  That said, what do you think the first dude to get on the Casey Anthony ride can expect?  That chick is the craziest of the crazy, and has been locked up for 3 years.  Do you think dude will survive the ordeal?  And what are the odds that man is her attorney, Jose Baez?

I've been trying to come up with another woman who is both alive and objectively crazier than Casey Anthony.  I got nothin'.  I mean, even the real loons --- chicks like Naomi Campbell or Lindsey Lohan or even Lorena Bobbitt --- don't have "(allegedly) murdered own child" on their Curriculum Demens.  When Anthony is released from jail on July 17, 2011, she'll have been locked up for 1,007 days.  According to witnesses, Casey went out to bars, partied, and even entered a "hard body" contest during the time when Caylee was missing

What I'm saying is, this chick (who is still only 25) pretty obviously likes to get drunk and have sex.  Throw in the daddy issues (which I am in no way making light of) as well as the fact that crazy chicks are generally awesome in the sack, and you've got the perfect storm.  So, what can Dude 1 post-prison expect?  I'm thinking it will be something that would make Caligula blush.  It will last a minimum of 18 hours, stopping only to drink tequila and re-lube.  There will almost certainly be ben wa balls, stiletto heels, a ping-pong paddle, multiple video cameras, and a nearsighted badger involved.  I'd put the odds of the dude surviving it at 300:1, tops.

I don't think it will be Baez, though.  If anyone knows how insane she is and how likely the sex is to resemble the love between two praying mantises, it's him.  After this verdict, dude is going to make some serious bank, so there's no need to take a risk like that.



I'm new-ish. Been a big fan of the BRB website (relating it not to a sports blog, but a blog representation of a bunch of Texans fans at a bar who talk about whatever comes up, which is occasionally sports), but never had the oomph to actually sign up.

Anyways, I had a few questions for the Bag. Please feel free to answer them all at once, spread out over time, or completely disregard them as unworthy. I'll only hate you for the rest of my life. Just kidding...maybe. (10 points if you can name the product whose commercial I just referenced.) [Not a clue. --Ed.]

0. I have a name for the Bull of the Bag: Bagdacious (referencing the PBR bull so badass, people outside of the PBR community know its name)

1. As my aliases makes obvious, I am a huge Priest Holmes fan. (One of the 2 reasons I refuse to buy a Madden after 2005 is because P. Holmes is still in the game, and a 98 to boot!) What is your opinion on the likelihood that a running back who won a Super Bowl and at one point held the record for rushing TDs probably won't make it into the Hall of Fame only because a career-ending injury precluded him from hitting the ever-important "10,000 career rushing yards" stat?

2. declared that Arian Foster would be his #1 pick in a serpentine fantasy draft (Seriously, who DOESN'T do auctions?!?) because of all the premier running backs, he is the one without a red flag (CJ2K/AP have rookie QBs; MJD has knee issues; Turner led the league in carries, which almost always equals severe regression).

Well, being a Texans fan, I notice a red flag. No Texans running back has EVER put the lightning in the bottle more than one season. Domanick Davis-Williams, Ron Dayne, Joe Echemandu, Steve Slaton...all had the same huge dropoff to non-existence after a solid year.

Obviously, Foster's year was beyond solid, but the question remains: Why should I believe that Foster is the magic man who will break this trend of one-and-done running backs?

0. It took me 15 seconds to realize that "PBR" did not mean "Pabst Blue Ribbon" there.  I don't hate the name, however.  Thoughts, dear readers?

1. I lived in KC during most of Priest's ridiculous 2001-2003 run, and he was nothing short of amazing.  As you point out, though, he never hit 10k yards.  He's 38th all-time in rushing (albeit ahead of some HOFers) and 60th all-time in yards from scrimmage.

Thing is, in football, especially with RBs, the HOF sometimes makes exceptions to the general rules about who is deserving when their peak value was so much greater than their overall career value.  Call it the Gale Sayers Rule (118th in rushing, though had added value as a PR/KR).  Priest's situation reminds me of Sayers' enough that I could see putting him in the Hall.  I'd be in favor of it, in fact, and I absolutely despise the Chiefs.

2. Joe Echemandu had a good year?  Was I in a coma or something?

I have faith in Foster for a number of reasons.  First, a huge percentage of his success stems from his ridiculously awesome vision as a runner, in that he's able to avoid contact and finds seams that others might not.  I don't see that going away.  Second, he's a smart runner who rarely takes a big hit.  Third, he's possibly a ninja.











Diehard Chris:

1. What would you rather watch: a four-minute video of John McClain and Wade Phillips having sex in a tub full of Crisco, or the entire run of Entourage, non-stop?

2. I'm typically opposed to remakes --- but if you could pick the director and be assured that an excellent writer would take on the script, what movie would you actively support a remake of?

1. I'm watching the sex tape.  At least that would be good for some laughs, which is far more than I can say for Entourage. 

2. I generally hate remakes as well, but I've got two answers, one recent and one older.  For the more recent movie, I'd redo "Eyes Wide Shut," but without a famous couple starring as the couple in the film.  I'd set the whole thing in London and go with Christian Bale and Kate Beckinsale as the couple, and I would want Lynne Ramsey to direct and David Mamet to rework some of Kubrik's dialogue.

For the older movie, definitely going with "The Towering Inferno."  I like this movie far more than I should, but a modern remake --- as long as it didn't go overboard with CGI --- would be awesome.  I see Daniel Craig in Steve McQueen's role, Leonardo DiCaprio in Paul Newman's role, John Malkovich in William Holden's role, and Megan Fox as Faye Dunaway.  I've got David Fincher directing and Christopher Nolan writing.


Why was Casey Anthony found innocent?

She wasn't.  She was found not guilty.  "Not guilty" describes a jury's conclusion regarding the quantum and character of proof, while "innocent" describes a state of moral culpability.  Pedantry aside, she was acquitted because the criminal justice system worked and did not allow someone to be convicted without proving beyond a reasonable doubt that she committed the crime.


Ok, Petey Faggins, Charley Casserly, and David Carr: f--k one, marry one (translated, "bring him back to his starting position for the rest of his career"), kill one.  Go!

Oh, and you can't f--k the Gloved Wonder because that's too easy. He gets to bone your wife AND daughter, if you pick him for that.

Easy peasy.  I'll kill Carr, because I can't bang him (per your rules) and I would never put him back under center in Houston.  I'll marry Casserly.  Which means I'll f--k Petey. 

Actually, I'll just tell Petey that my name is "Coverage," and I'll get blown all the time.