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Battle Red Bag, Vol. 11: Zombie Epidemiology

A decidedly un-crappy Reliant Stadium tradition.
A decidedly un-crappy Reliant Stadium tradition.

Well hello.  I didn't hear you come in.  I was just putting on this old Lenny Williams record.  Why don't you make yourself comfortable? I'll make us some drinks -- do you still fancy a sea breeze?  Of course I remember!  I remember everything about you, baby.

Here you go, honey.  Man, just listen to Lenny sing it!  "Girl, you know I - I - I love you / No matter what you do / And I hope you understand me / Ev'ry word I say is true / 'Cause I loooooove you..."  It's true, baby.  Come a little closer.  Closer.  There's something I have to tell you, baby.

It's time for the Battle Red Bag.  Oh, yeah, I know you like that.  You like it when I blockquote these questions?  When I answer them?  Oh, it makes you feel soooo good, girl.  Go ahead, sugar.  Click that jump.


1) Tyler Perry is apparently getting his own television network. Can you think of anyone who deserves a television network less than Tyler Perry? Expound.

2) I'm not sure how original this fact, come to think of it, I'm sure Bill Simmons has done something like this. Anyway. When I am bored and watching TV, I have what I call "the Scrubs line." If I can't find anything better on television then Scrubs, I know it is time for me to turn the TV off and do something else. Which show would that be for you?

3) You take a sharp right-hand turn due to some suddenly wet pavement, skid out, and run over a teenager. Once you are told that he was planking in the road, would you immediately feel openly better about yourself, or would you wait until you got home?

1) Um...assuming we limit it to people who are famous and rich enough to actually get their own network (so that I don't have to include people like the cast of Jersey Shore in my analysis), it's hard to top Perry.  I can honestly say that he's never written or directed anything that made me laugh or even anything that I purposely watched.  Can you even have a network when half the programming is going to be terrible "Madea" spin-offs? 

Actually, having just spent way too much time pondering this, my answer is no.  No, I cannot think of anyone less deserving.  Tyler Perry is truly awful.  Cue the South Park clip!



2) I don't have a specific show, but a genre: any reality program that is premised around "this person is a weirdo because _____."  So, for example, Extreme Couponing, My Strange Addiction, Hoarders, etc.  If there's nothing better, it's generally a sign that I need to go to bed, because I've stayed up to the point that even the television networks don't care.  Oddly enough, I actually like Intervention, but that's mainly because it makes me want to drink more.  Which is probably not the point of the show, but whatever.

3) Not only do I immediately feel better, but, if there's any damage to my vehicle that can be attributable to him, I sue his estate.  I also congratulate myself for furthering Darwinism.


You get to eradicate one of the following Texans' ridiculous gameday "traditions":

1. Pep band
2. "Thats a Houston Texans"...."FIRST DOWN!"
3. Clay Walker's "Football Time in Houston"

I find the three of these to be equally embarrassing, annoying, and pointless. Which one would you choose to kill and why? Is there another one I'm not thinking of that's worse?

Hands down, it's Clay Walker.  While the entire song is gawdawful, he gets my vote because of a single line" "It can rain, it can pour, it can snow, I don’t care,  I'm here 'til the end."  Yeah, bro, it makes you a friggin' die-hard to stick out bad weather football inside Reliant.

Side note: The first-down thing doesn't bother me, both because I see it as a lamer version of the Broncos "in-com-plete" thing and because half the people in Reliant barely pay enough attention to know who is winning, and this crowd chant at least lets them know we have the ball and are progressing.


Why do zombies bite?

It's a philosophical question that has been bothering me as of late. Traditionally, in the movies and other media, zombies will aggressively attack living humans, but frequently leave enough of the person intact to turn the person into a zombie. Further, there is no biological benefit to a zombie eating. They can't digest. My alternative theory is that the zombie's goal isn't to eat, consume, or even attack. It's to spread the disease. Thoughts?

I think your alternate theory is right; they are just spreading zombie-ism for the sake of spreading it.  Though that leads to a whole bunch of other questions, most notably: why are they spreading it just to spread it?  Does being a zombie just cause you to be pissed off at anyone who is not?  And what's the end game there?  Once the entire world is zombified, what then?

Additionally, why is biting the preferred (or only) method of infecting someone else?  According to the internet, there aren't that many diseases that are communicable via saliva.  Of the ones that are, most are very minor (colds, Epstein-Barr, mono, etc.).  Of the more serious diseases (polio, Hep-B, meningitis), only meningitis seems to be most commonly spread via coughing/sneezing/saliva.  So, is zombie-ism just a super-duper sever cases of meningitis?  If so, does that mean that getting zombie blood on you would not turn you into a zombie?  (Because, if so, my plan of a shotgun/chainsaw combo just became a viable defense weapon again.)


What do you expect from Season 3 of Archer? I can see Barry playing a bigger role. Maybe ISIS can rebuild Katya?

One more. Am I the only one that would love to spend a couple of nights in bed with Carol?!

Last question first, no.  No, you are not.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.  (The cool kids call that foreshadowing.)

As for Season 3, I hope they continue the darker feel of Season 2.  Based just on the progression and character development of Season 2, I think we'll see less Cyril (which does not bother me) and more Ray.  I'd almost put money on a episode that gives more of Ray's ministerial background.  After Krieger's comment upon seeing Cy Berg (Barry) --- "They have this technology?! Eight years on my secret project…" --- I think a rebuild of Katya is likely.  Though, in keeping with the show's style, something will be wrong with her after the rebuild.  Other things I think we'll see: a new story arc that makes it less likely that Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB, is Archer's dad; a return (briefly) of Conway Stern; Pam getting laid (by a dude --- the threeway with Malory Archer and Conrad Schlotz notwithstanding).


What is your standard pre-bed routine when you're drunk to help combat hangovers and how effective is it?

Mine is usually a huge glass of water and a piece of bread. And I have a bottle of Gatorade handy.

If I am drunk enough that I'm likely to have a truly terrible hangover the next day, I am bad about not taking precautions and, instead, merely trying to pass out without throwing up.  However, in a normal drunken state, I go Gatorade and a banana (if available).  Even better is Pedialyte, actually, but I'm not a huge fan of the taste.

Why a banana, you ask? To replenish the potassium that you lose through alcohol's diuretic effect.  That lost potassium, along with lost salts and dehydration, is a big contributor to headaches and nausea the next day.  The Gatorade + banana combo tackles all these problems!


If we can rule out the possibilities of pregnancy, STDs or any chance of permanent injury (see "Chasing Amy"), who is the one person you would want to have crazy sexual hijinks with for one 12 hour evening/night?


Okay, if we rule out Alison Brie to make it more of a competition for the rest of the world, what would the answer be??

I'd say Lindsay Lohan. Really. You know she's down for some fun (she'll even bring the drugs, umm, I mean "candy", kids) and  don't have to worry about getting the herp or the HIV or any sort of disease ... and the chances that she steals your car in the morning only adds to the danger and excitement ... plus, boobs.

You took my answer.  Lohan would be ... interesting ... to say the least.  Plus, I have a thing for redheaded faux lesbians.  But, since she's off the board in this fantasy draft, I'll go with Katy Perry.  She's hot, she's nuts, she seems like the type that would up for just about anything you could throw at her in the bedroom.  She might not steal my car in the morning, BUT...


I suppose we all have to make sacrifices.


Question: How long into the season will it take for Wade to actually implement his defense? It seems to me that, with the exception of a 3-4 NT, the Texans were pretty well made to run his defense. Do you see him doing a lot of hybrid Patriots type stuff?

Also, if you got to bone one Archer girl, and it can't be the Pele of anal, who would it be? Actually, let's expand it: Bang, Marry, Kill

(P.S.: Yes, I want Leabeth to say to you, "It was bad enough you were fantasizing about Alison Brie, who you'll never get, but CARTOON CHARACTERS!?!?!?!?!")

I feel pretty good about the system being more or less in place by Week 1.  The only concerns I have are finding a second CB who can play press coverage on the outside, which Wade likes in his 3-4 base; making sure DeMeco Ryans is healthy enough to do all that is asked of him at the RILB spot; and whether Connor Barwin will be able to cover when asked to.  The safeties have me excited --- which is something that has never, ever been written or said about the Texans prior to this year --- as does the prospect of Mario Williams and J.J. Watt on the same side.

When he transitions into the nickel package, I'm curious to see who he winds up using as the two LBs.  With DeMeco still healing and Cushing having previously proven that he is not much in coverage, finding a duo for the middle in that set could take some trial-and-error.  I think, overall, worst-case scenario, the defense doesn't completely jell until week 3 or 4. 

Turning to your Archer question...

Bang: Pam.  Don' t you judge me.  To quote Big Boi: "Big girls need love, too; no discrimination here, squirrel."

Marry: Lana.  Partly because she's super hot.  Partly because, by marrying her, I would not be limiting myself to a single bang.  And partly because the wedding photos would be hilarious.

Kill:  Cheryl/Carol.  Simply because, with her choking fetish, I could have sex and kill her.  So, like, two birds with one stone, or whatever.


How much did you sob (uncontrollably, I would hope) when your boy Amobust was released?

Additional Query: I am not buying the notion of Michael Vick being the first fantasy QB off the board, nor am I buying the Eagles as the NFL's version of a more successful Miami Heat (Jason Babin's "expert opinion" notwithstanding). Response?

I was bummed about it, mainly because I just wanted to see him get a chance in this system, with a real D.C., before I was willing to label him a bust.  I also hope that he does well in Chicago.  And, say what you will about him, but dude was all class as he left.  "See you guys in the playoffs, because that’s where the Texans are heading this year."

I don't buy the Vick-as-first-QB theory (or, especially, the Vick-as-first-pick theory) either.  For one thing, I have my doubts about his ability to stay healthy for a full season, and, while injuries are always a risk for any player, I try to limit my injury risk as much as possible with the first few picks I make.  Second, he posted career bests in most every major category last year, and I think the completion percentage was an aberration.  I also think the INTs regress to the mean this year, which would be closer to 12 than last year's 6.  Likewise, I don't buy 9 rushing TDs again in 2011; I think 3 or 4 is more realistic.  Put all of that together and he would not be my pick if I had all the NFL QBs to choose from.  I'd take Aaron Rodgers.

As for the Dream Team crap, when I saw Babin's Tweet, I felt compelled to reply:

In this scenario, you are only Eddie House RT : I feel like we are the Miami Heat of the NFL, except we win the final game.

i.e. Former player who sucked last time with the team and came back to ride the more talented guys to the playoffs.

The Eagles were 15th in the league in rushing defense last year and 14th in passing.  Yes, Scrabble and DR-C are likely to help the latter ranking, but the former?  Their two leading tacklers at the LB level are gone, and their starting trio is likely to be Jamar Chaney (SLB), rookie Casey Matthews (MLB), and Moise Foiku (WLB).  After getting run over by James Starks in the playoffs last season, you'd think they would have tried to address second-level run defense.  But you'd apparently be wrong.  So, yeah, their three corners might be terrific, which will be awesome in the nickel sets, but you've got to get the team into a passing down before that even matters.

As for Babin, as anyone else sick of his name being lumped in with the "Big-Name Free Agents" when people talk about the Eagles?  Because I know I am.