Disclaimer: This post is so bad, it makes me want to VOMIT, and I haven't even written it, much less read my own words.
Hi, I'm bfd, and this is Part 2 of a two-part nausea inducing series. Part 1 was about my Top 5 Reasons To Be Pessimistic, and it was the worst thing ever published on the Internet. I've got high hopes for Part 2! Errrr, as long as it doesn't break the Internet. So let's hit it, shall we?
#5: Glover Quin - Safety: A couple of us (HoustonDiehards being another, at least) have been calling for Glover Quin to move to safety since...well, since the day he was drafted. The Texans put him at CB, and he's been the best CB on the roster for a couple years now. Which, coincidentally, is not unlike being the tallest, best looking midget at a fat camp in Oklahoma. That's right. I mixed three things there. I'm going to have to rec myself now. Oh baby, YES!
Wait, where was I? Oh yes, Glover Quin. Quin has proven to have the short-burst ability to stay with receivers, but he clearly lacks long speed. He's dropped more balls than he's picked off over the years, but he does have good hands. I don't think Quin will just be a good safety. I think he'll be an elite safety. Playing with his head toward the QB, I believe his ability to see the field, to react in short bursts, and diagnose the play will be shocking in a good way (for a change). Our home game last year against the BE-SFs could be a small example of what's to come.
#4: Offensive Skill Positions: Yes, this bullet point is rather banal. We have the best WR of his era in Andre Johnson. Arian Foster isn't bad, and Matt Schaub doesn't embarrass himself. ***YAWN***
Oh, and these guys are exciting to watch week in/week out. I guess I should mention this.
#3: Offensive Line Continuity: For those who've been here for a while, you know I find nothing more exciting than line play. Yes, it's true! I've long been a believer in building teams from the inside out, the John Madden-esque (not the game, the actual real-life stuff) winning game in the trenches. Growing up with the 1970s Oilers, and the later run-and-shoot versions, those teams dominated at the line of scrimmage.
The Texans return all six starters on the offensive line (Antoine Caldwell and Mike Brisiel split time and starts, especially after the latter went on IR). Caldwell still has plenty of room for improvement, but this is a team which ranked second in ProFootballFocus' offensive line rankings, and fourth for run blocking and 12th for pass protection on FootballOutsiders. And we return all six, seven if you count re-signing the valuable Rashad Butler. In my never, ever humble opinion, this continuity is important, and we've got it.
#2: Mario Williams: Outsourced to MDC:
WOLB-Mario Williams. I realize that Mario, at 290+, seems a better fit for DE than WILB. I disagree for two reasons: (1) Mario's skills would be wasted to a large degree as a defensive end and (2) Mario can thrive in the DeMarcus Ware role. There is literally nothing Ware can do in that role that Mario couldn't do. Come flying off the edge with a running start and beat the LT who also has responsibility for Antonio Smith? Easy peasy. Use that same running start and beat the LT with a bull rush? Hell, that's easier than the way Mario does it now, starting from a three-point stance. Tackle a running back rushing off left tackle? Sho'nuff. Drop into the flat zone? Mario has done it before, in what he calls "the Richard Smith years."
//fap fap fap fap fap fap fap//
Oh, you're still here? This is embarrassing. I'd might as well finish. One moment....
And we're back. A slimmed down, meaner, leaner looking Mario looks downright frightening. Now that he has real coaching and still carries his crazy abilities? I might need another minute. Go ahead. Knock one out, too.
#1: Wade Phillips: Nope, I didn't list Johnathan Joseph. Or Danieal Manning. Or even Gary Kubiak again, Barry. Wade deserves his own place here. Let me tell you why, and this might take a few words, so bear (rawr) with me.
Wade Phillips was a horrible head coach in occupied Southern Oklahoma. There's no two ways about it. But he was a head coach, and that adds tremendous value to his already successful resume. Wade is a difference maker on defense, and he brings that experience to a team that's dealt with defensive rocket scientists such as Richard Smith and Frank Bush. Yet, the defense still retains a ton of talent. Most importantly, Wade understands just what he needs to be successful, not the cobbling of a bunch of players who don't fit no matter how hard you try to squish them together.
Major issues at safety? Solved. Execrable CB play? Kinda solved! An awareness that doing the same junk - such as never, ever addressing safety in a meaningful way - is simultaneously psychotic and disheartening? Also solved.
For the first time in the team's history, an actual proven defensive mind is minding the defense (huge offense meant toward Smith, Bush, and Vic Fangio). Then, there's his experience as a head coach, and his (hopeful) ability to work with Kubiak in meaningful ways.
Because, people, here's what we've got now. We've got an elite offensive coordinator coupled with an elite defensive coordinator. If Wade and Gary Kubiak can play nicely together? We'll need more kool-aid and a lot more rags.