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This Is The Last Worthless Evening...Of Preseason Football. Texans v. Vikings Post Game Report

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Let's see.  I'll have some bacon, eggs, maybe a side of cheese grits, and waffles.  No, no pancakes.  Pancakes suck.
Let's see. I'll have some bacon, eggs, maybe a side of cheese grits, and waffles. No, no pancakes. Pancakes suck.

Well the good news is we don't have to watch any more craptastic football games like last night's stinker. The bad news is that I still have to write about it as part of my obligation to my corporate masters for covering training camp in Houston a couple of weeks ago. So bear with me as I try to stay awake long enough to actually write something vaguely interesting about what was probably the single most boring/depressing game I've ever seen.

By the way, what do you think of my John McClain impression so far?

To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was watching a preseason game or if I had gone through some time warp and landed back in 2010. Because the defense I saw (I know, not the starters) was, with a couple of exceptions, embarrassing. If Christian Ponder can make the defense look as bad as he did last night against the Texans' scrubs, then we better pray like we're on death row that none of our starters miss any significant time this season.

That's not to say that each individual player should be shot without trial. I thought Tim Jamison and, of all people, Xavier Adibi did a very good job against the Vikings' scrubs. I was really impressed with Jamison's hit, which resulted with his helmet going flying across the field. I laughed a bit when I saw Adibi wrap up around that one Viking's leg like he was a baby begging his mother not to leave. That showed a bit of determination to stop the play and it might be enough to keep him on the team. Then again, according to Lance Zierlein, apparently not, since he reports that Xavier Adibi has been cut.

Shiloh Keo, however, should be shot without trial. I was kind of excited when he was drafted for no really good reason. But now that I've seen him play in two games (I had to miss the middle two preseason games), even though I think nobody from this year's draft will go, I would not be surprised if he gets cut. He's shown absolutely nothing that merits hanging on to him, even on the practice squad. He can't tackle and running backs bounced off of him like pinballs.

Speaking of teams playing in a manner that makes smashing myself over the head with heavy mining equipment more satisfying, can we just get a touchback with every kick, please? Our special teams again played horribly last night. They can't tackle, and while everyone else is complaining about touchbacks and this new "kicking from the 35-yard-line" being the end of football as we know it, other teams are still making our "special" teams look foolish. Of course, that assumes Brad Maynard is not, as I fear, the second coming of Matt Turk.

As for Gary Kubiak's Flying Circus, it looks like Dorin DIckerson fell off of his trapeze and Bryant Johnson took his place. I've never really seen what made Dickerson such a favorite among the fan base. I guess neither did the coaching staff, since Dickerson was supposedly cut today. I believe Bryant Johnson will end up as our fourth receiver based on how he played last night, and the fact that he barely had a few days to learn the new system. Again, anybody can look good against scrubs. What remains to be seen is if he can have success against real NFL teams; first stringers, even. And Garrett Graham officially made Anthony Hill expendable last night. Actually, that's not true, Anthony Hill made Anthony Hill expendable by being the Houston Texans' equivalent of Punxsutawney Phil; Graham just made it obvious.

You wouldn't know it from watching last night's game but Matt Leinart had a very nice game last night. He really can beat down those scrubs. He just can't score against them, though. That being said, please Matt Schaub, don't give him a chance to play any meaningful snaps!

Trindon Holliday, what can I say except I hope you have a safe trip back to Munchkinland and don't forget your complimentary trikey! He's just not built to play in the NFL. He would have to make the team as a wide receiver as well as a returner, and he's just not built to play wide receiver.

Thoughts, BRBers?