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Three And Out: Useless Predictions For Colts-Texans

The first real Texans game of the season is on Sunday, which means the first "Three And Out" of the 2011 season, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, lies in wait for you after the jump.

What's this "Three And Out" nonsense, you ask? Why, it's a banal bit of schtick that's as BRBican as bleach pie, that's what it is! To quote myself:

Each week, I'll make three (3) predictions concerning statistics, plays, performance, and the like that are guaranteed to occur in Sunday's Texans game. How often are said predictions accurate? Virtually never. Remember--I'm a moron. Nevertheless, I have a microphone and you don't, so you will read every damn prediction I make!

Simply put, you should bet everything you own on each of my three (3) specific predictions, plus my final score "guarantee," coming true on Sunday. If any of them are wrong, it's just because you didn't believe in me enough. To the jump!

1. Mario Williams will sack Kerry Collins. Antonio Smith will sack Kerry Collins. Connor Barwin will sack Kerry Collins. Brooks Reed will sack Kerry Collins. Yes, your Houston Texans will sack the QB four (4) times on Sunday. Frank Bush will watch the highlights that night on "The George Michael Sports Machine," and he will try to call Richard Smith to commiserate. Sadly, Bush will dial the wrong number, refuse to consider that maybe he's doing it wrong, and continue dialing the wrong number 11,093 times over the next five hours while eating a gallon of ice cream (vanilla, of course).

2. Arian Foster will start on Sunday, but he won't play the entire game. Not because he gets hurt; simply because Gary Kubiak is determined to limit the number of times he puts Arian's hamstring in harm's way. Fantasy football players who "own" Foster will freak out, and some of them will trade him.  Which they shouldn't, because Arian Foster is going to have a very good season, hamstring issue notwithstanding.  Foster's final stat line on Sunday: 13 carries for 66 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards. Oh, and 1 TD. Other Texans scoring touchdowns on Sunday: Owen Daniels, Andre Johnson, and Derrick Ward.

3. Glover Quin will have the first interception of the season, courtesy of a badly thrown deep ball to no one in particular. It won't be the result of an unbelievable play on Quin's part; it'll be the result of miscommunication between Collins and one of Indianapolis' WRs. You'll watch the play and wonder, "Who is Collins throwing to?". Jim Caldwell will respond to the setback by blankly staring at the Texans' sideline.

PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: As I said here, I would have picked the Texans to win on Sunday even if Peyton Manning was playing. Without Peyton, and with a QB lured back from retirement a couple of weeks ago who isn't exactly all that familar with Indy's system? The margin of victory increases dramatically. "Dramatically" as in, "The Texans win this game by double-digits," which would be heresy if Peyton Manning was playing. Texans 28, Colts 17.