Hair of the Dog: Now With More Dog! (Titans @ Texans)

If you've read this site for any period of time, you know that my wife hates football. One of the more predictable moments in any weekend is when I turn on a football game in which the Texans aren't playing, and she makes this face that clearly communicates that she is second-guessing a number of her life choices.

If the Texans play the early game and she appears later in the afternoon, she simply sighs and says, "Haven't you seen enough football?" Her body language suggests that she's not really expecting an answer, but is asking only to communicate the depths of her despair.

Needless to say, she doesn't watch games with me.

Where I live, college football is king (because, I can only imagine, people around here are accustomed to mediocrity) so to the majority of my friends, NFL football is something they experience only when they have nothing else to do.

As a result, I spend the majority of my football watching time alone.

This is why I created the "Hair of the Dog" series -- so that I can share with you, the BRB faithful, the conversations that go on between me and my beer during football Sundays.

But often times, the BRB staff discusses the game at the same time, so we've decided to expand this series to share the highlights of those conversations with you all. So my disjointed thoughts will now be blended with Rivers' one liners and MDC's wit.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the new Hair of the Dog -- now with more dog (I would have said with more hair, but considering BFD's involvement, that would have been inaccurate).

Oh... and in an effort to keep this family friendly, I've replaced all curse words with the word "kitten".

Pregame:

Rivers:

So, no Kenny Britt. If it was possible for me to be even less concerned about the non-Jake Locker runs and non-special teams matchups in this game, that would have done it.

BFD:

Any word on field conditions?

MDC:

Per a text from Tim, "the field looks great. Pristine, even."

TDC:

This legitimately may be the first Texans games where I'm in no way, shape, or form concerned about the outcome. And no, I'm not still drunk.

Brett:

I find it hard to quantify my hate for the Titans and their meth smoking, sister kitten-ing, gap toothed fans. I think I would rather my future daughter marry a Jets fan and give birth to an Eagles fan that goes on to have an illegitimate child with a Ravens fan than ever even hold a brief conversation with a Titans fan.

First Quarter:

Rivers:

I get a big smile any time I see Michael Griffin try to close in on a receiver.

Rivers:

Frank Bush was a big fan of that first series. Well-executed. And Zac Diles screwed up? That was cost-effective.

MDC:

On a dollar/gaffe level, Diles can't be beat.

Rivers:

He really should go in to politics. /no politics

Rivers:

Stunts sure are effective when J.J. Watt takes the guy who is supposed to pick you up and shoves him to the ground.

Brett (in a moment of foreshadowing):

Please for the love of god take Caldwell out. He is disturbingly bad.

BFD:

Foster hit the wrong damn hole again.

Braman is single-handedly improving our ST coverage.

Rivers:

To further answer the Battle Red Bag question about why Kareem Jackson isn't sent on blitzes: that Glover Quin hit is why. Jeebus.

MDC:

Best part of Locker's injury: I can make "The Hurt Locker" joke.

Rivers:

I wish Jake Locker was coming back, to be honest.

Second Quarter:

MDC:

HEY RIVERS YOUR BOY KENDALL WRIGHT HAS AMAZING HANDS.

/small sample sized

Rivers:

Your boy Nick Toon is made of adamantium.

/long sample sized

Rivers (after Caldwell's injury):

We were never going to go through a year injury-free. Sucks for Caldwell, but if we had to lose a starter, he would have been one of the most acceptable options.

Rivers:

I really miss Jake Locker

Rivers:

Kendall Walters. That's a new one, Fouts.

tGC (watching from an undisclosed location):

NFL GamePass seems to be crashing my computer.

MDC:

Probably because it thinks Chris Johnson's YPC is an undefined mathematical error.

Vega:

For the record if Hasselebeck gets hurt, Rusty Smith is inactive.

MDC:

Which means . . . Damian Williams!

tGC:

Kareem Jackson with the technique that made Dunta famous.

MDC:

Q. Demps definitely got away with a late hit. Which is fine with me. Because kittens Chris Johnson.

Halftime:

MDC:

You have a script of plays that works absurdly well.

You reach the end of said script.

Do you (a) just start from the top of the script again, maybe making minor adjustments as needed; (b) continue to use the overarching theme of that script, even if the playcalls are a little different; or (c) abandon the script entirely and keep running plays that don't work as well as the scripted ones?

tGC (who is decidedly non-plussed by the run defense):

Dude, Kubes is being all game-theoretical and stuff. Which means that he's intentionally running plays that he knows won't work in the short term because it will set up plays that may or may not work in the long term.

Unfortunately, none of those plays involves injecting Shaun Cody with ebola.

Third Quarter:

Rivers:

When your kicker is kicking to the kitten-ing up man, you need a new kicker.

tGC:

I'm beginning to develop a very unfortunate hatred for Brice McCain.

Rivers:

His regression has been very noticeable. And very predictable.

Vega:

That "no intentional grounding" call was very replacement-ish

Vega (pining for the replacement refs):

Doesn't a crackback block require, you know, a block?

tGC:

Nothing takes your opponent off guard like a run play on 2nd and 18.

Brett:

From the 2 yard line...

tGC (after Danieal Manning's pick-six)

OH HELLS YEA!!!!ELEVENTYONE1111

Vega:

There was so much awesome on that play. I'm not sure if Manning's pick or Joseph's block was better. Well, I guess Manning had the TD, but the block was still awesome.

tGC:

Crowd getting to the Titans. Hopefully this is the beginning of the end for them.

Sweep the knee!

Rivers:

HACK THE BONE! HACK THE BONE!!!!!

tGC (after Owen Daniels' touchdown):

Thank you, Frank Bush, for that touchdown.

Also, which receiver was that with the block in the end zone? My feed is grainy. I want to send him a baked ham.

Rivers:

Kareem looked for a ball? Kittendamn. This IS a blowout.

Brett:

What's more impressive, J.J. Watt having 7.5 sacks or Kareem Jackson getting a pass defensed?

Fourth Quarter:

Rivers:

#FreeJustinForsett

Rivers:

#FreeTJYates

Vega (after Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson narrowly missed connecting for a touchdown):

I love that they took a deep shot. Kittens you, Titans.

tGC:

Is it too early to start talking about a contract extension for Watt?

MDC:

Considering I'm already pushing for deification of him, an extension is probably an appropriate topic.

Rivers:

It's too late. I keep waiting for the guy to have a mediocre game -- it doesn't happen. If he's going like this two or three years for now, he's going to make Mario Williams' contract looks positively Diles-esque.

Vega:

They should just sign him to a contract where he gets his own checkbook. Do what you want with it J.J.

MDC:

You can include shares of the franchise in an NFL contract as long as there's a mandatory divestment clause in the event he goes to a different team. I think we should explore creating cap room with Texans' stock futures in Watt's deal.

Vega:

Kendall Wright just got run down from behind by Earl Mitchell, and it was still one of the Titans' top five plays of the game.

Vega:

Every time Glover Quin hits someone the lights in my house flicker.

Rivers (still in this universe):

Kareem Jackson just correctly played a slant route. It happened. I am going to make sure I didn't die and wake up in an alternate universe.

tGC:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Vega:

I'm still pissed they gave up seven.

Rivers:

Houston's ultimate troll job here was giving the Titans hope that Chris Johnson could bounce back.

MDC:

KJax's pick-six made me very happy. It was the ultimate kittens you to the Titans' fans. I mean, other than the hand that life dealt them.

So, there you have it. That is the secret behind the magic that motors BRB.

About mid-way through the third quarter, I remember thinking to myself that we're all pretty disappointed with the way the Texans are playing, but they're still up by about 20. That's a pretty good sign.

All in all, this game has to be considered a rousing success. The team just destroyed its biggest rival while improving to 4-0 and playing the most dominant football in the NFL.

Not too shabby.

Game Balls:

Offense: Owen Daniels, for being untackleable (maybe it is a word!).

Defense: Kareem Jackson, because that just happened. And, while this could easily go to J.J. Watt again, I wanted a little bit of variety.

Special Teams: Bryan Braman, for excellent coverage.