Hair of the Dog: Fifteen Yard Penalty; Automatic Fist Down (Packers @ Texans)

Author's Note: The intro for this was written prior to the game. I thought about rewriting it, but I figured I'd leave it if only for the irony. That and I didn't feel like putting more effort into this post than the Texans did into the game.

Before the Texans even take the field today, things are looking up.

The chief AFC challengers have either lost or been beset by injuries (including next week's opponents), the second place team in the division was destroyed by the team the Texans just beat, and, if you care about such things as Power Rankings, the top challengers got beat bad (49ers) or struggled against a mediocre team (Falcons).

You might even argue that the BESF winning on Thursday was good because by winning a few games, they will avoid the super high draft pick that will help keep them in their endless cycle of not-quite-medocrity.

Rumor also has it that J.J. Watt was able to fuse Brian Cushing's ACL by simply threatening it. Ok, that last part may not be true.

But things are, in fact, looking up for your Texans. May that continue this evening.

Now, then, consider this the hair of your dog.

As always, curse words are replaced with "kitten."

Pregame:

Brett:

We get to face the Ravens without Suggs, Ngata, Lewis, AND Webb? Durga is being extra nice this week.

BFD:

I thought I saw Ngata play (and get a sack) after he looked injured, though, so I really wouldn't count him out. Webb is definitely out, and Lewis looked bad.

Brett:

I heard Ngata sprained his MCL? I'm not sure how he came back.

UT:

He got a hold of whatever Patrick Willis uses to be as allegedly awesome as he is.

BFD:

I played an entire baseball season on a Grade 2 MCL tear. It can be done.

TDC:

BFD is all that is man.

Vega:

Holy kittens, they just showed J.J. Watt jumping on a 55 inch surface without a running start.

This even made my wife look up from her book, which is almost as amazing.

tGC:

What's your wife reading?

Vega:

A Kindle. If you're looking for anymore detail than that, you're asking the wrong guy.

BFD:

Nobody in that crowd is sober. Not even the kids.

First Quarter:

BFD (after a crappy return by Keshawn Martin)

Pfft. Trindon can do that.

Vega:

Holy kittens, we caught a break there. Kareem Jackson got torched.

Rivers:

Thank God you're lucky, Kareem.

Rivers:

KITTENS YOU MARCIANO

KITTENS YOU

TDC:

Johnathan Joseph....torched.

tGC:

I'm now officially worried about JJo.

Vega (after two penalties on a freaking extra point):

The only special teams play so far that wasn't garbage was the punt.

TDC:

We've got draw play on 3rd down, kitteny special teams play, torched CB, and now an empty backfield play. It's like the "Things I hate" Bingo

Rivers:

Running the ball is so passe if it's not third-and-long.

Rivers (after Caldwell gets burned again for a sack):

Antoine Caldwell, everyone!

tGC:

What in the hell has happened to our o-line?

TDC:

Antoine Caldwell happened. Ben Jones in next series, book it.

Vega:

What ever happened to illegal hands to the face?

BFD:

Watt's helmet came off for a reason, kitten-holes.

Rivers (with actual analysis):

Here's what I'm seeing: the Texans are playing much more aggressively on defense to cover up Cushing's absence. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

UT (with equally good analysis):

I know I can't blame Marciano for starting inside the 5 again, but I'm blaming him anyway.

Vega:

I haven't seen the offensive line play this bad since the last time Dom Capers was here.

Rivers:

Connor Barwin should start playing on special teams if he's going to wrap up like that.

UT:

That KJax tackle deserves a gold star from the Frank Bush kindergarten for tackling.

Rivers:

Losing Quintin Demps and having to play Troy Nolan is a hidden killer.

Second Quarter:

Vega:

I had a very busy weekend and have to wake up early. I don't really want to stay up for this kitten.

Rivers:

I sat through the Bush Bowl, I can sit through this.

But yes, what a total evisceration so far.

Brett:

I forgot what it feels like to not immediately annihilate your opponent. I don't like playing good teams.

BFD:

I think we can all agree this is MDC's fault for not doing a 2DH last week.

Rivers:

Way to go, MDC.

MDC:

If it means I get credit for the five wins, I'm cool with that.

tGC:

Having a kicker who can't reach the end zone + kitteny special teams = scary times on kickoffs.

Also, why don't their running backs slip on our turf?

Rivers (after Green Bay's third touchdown):

If your coverage scheme calls for Alan Ball on Jordy Nelson, burn your coverage scheme.

Brett:

UT:

Because you touch yourself at night.

tGC:

Wait, we're not supposed to do that?

MDC:

I'm still seething over the missed illegal hands to the face against Watt. It's been a kittenshow since, officiating-wise.

tGC:

On the plus side, Dre is having a good game.

MDC:

I really like that the default answer to "we can't seem to the move the ball; what should we do?" is "throw to Andre more."

Vega:

Holy crap. Graham hit from 50!
It barely cleared, but it cleared.

Vega:

Brahman should hit Marciano that hard

MDC:

Question: If Bryan Braman didn't exist, would the Texans' special teams ever tackle anyone ever?

UT:

Oh, I'm sure they're more than capable of tackling each other. I think. Possibly.

Vega:

Rivers:

Antoine Caldwell out with a concussion.

Well, that makes sense, anyway.

Vega:

Before or after the game?

Half Time

Vega:

Do you think Kubiak is yelling at the team right now or applauding them for battling?

MDC:

Hopefully, he's distracting the players while Crusher and Lowblow take Marciano out back and stab him to death. "Goons." "Huh?" "Hired goons." "Hired goons?"

TDC (after another special teams penalty):

Holy kitten. Kitten our special teams. AGAIN. AGAIN.

TDC:

I love J.J. Watt as much as the next fan, but nothing ticks me off more than celebrating when you're down. I hate that so much. Almost as much as I hate our special teams unit.

MDC:

Wish Rodgers' head would have come off there.

BFD (after Danieal Manning's idiotic penalty):

If nothing else, this is the stupidest game of the year we've played.

Brett:

Are we the Raiders now?

UT:

The most preventable touchdown ever. That touchdown should never have happened.

BFD:

The TD equivalent of getting a vasectomy, wearing a condom, and still getting the poor girl pregnant.

Brett:

The only thing giving me comfort is the giant lead that Green Bay blew last week.

UT:

Jesus, who would have thought having Raji out for the Packers would be WORSE for Foster?

BFD (after another predictable screen on third down):

Ultimately, the play-calling is just too predictable. Everybody saw the screen. The runs are kitteny. And we simply aren't doing anything you can't call at home.

Vega:

What we need here is a punt return for a... oh... yeah.... kitten.

MDC:

Honestly...how much of this is the lack of Cushing and how much is just the Texans playing like kitten in every facet of the game?

Vega:

Hard to say. I mean, the latter is definitely happening which makes it nearly impossible to judge the former.

tGC:

Dre and Schaub are having good games. I want to repeat this.

Vega (after Foster touchdown and forgetting about special teams):

In an attempt to be non-emotional, the defense has actually done a decent job in the second half penalties not-withstanding (I know... selective data set), so this game is hardly out of reach.

Fourth Quarter

BFD (after yet another Green Bay touchdown):

And that, gentlemen, is ball game.

Everyone (after Schaub's interception):

**silence**

BFD:

The announcers keep talking about the run game, but it's been all about Rodgers burning our CBs at will along with some truly great catches. Sometimes, kitten just don't work out for you.

tGC:

Plus kitteny special teams, shocking (and dubious) penalties and just plain bad play.

Vega:

I'm trying to think of a silver lining to this game. Outside of no major injuries and the fact that it ultimately has to come to an end, I'm at a loss.

UT:

Andre got 10,000 yards.

That's all I got.

UT:

Special teams touchdown. That's a three year extension for Marciano right there.

MDC:

Why bother with those timeouts if you're putting your backups in when you get the ball back?

TDC:

This game hasn't made sense all night. Why question it now?

Well, there you have it. The worst game the Houston Texans have played since, well, I'm too lazy to look it up. There have definitely been worse Sundays in years past, but I don't recall a game recently where a mostly healthy Texans team played with such little poise, such poor coaching, and such limited passion.

Hopefully this is the exception as opposed to the rule. Hopefully the team uses this as a springboard to better play. Hopefully this is not a sign of deeper underlying problems.

Personally, I believe that all to be true. I believe that good teams can have kitteny days, but when evaluating the season as a whole, remember that the good weeks count the same as the bad ones.

So, let's not jump off a cliff yet. Yes, this game happened, but so did the other ones. If this becomes a trend, then yes, we need to worry, but for now, let's keep it in perspective.

And no, I do not like trying to be the voice of reason.

Game Balls:

Offense: Andre Johnson. Reached a career milestone in a game he'd likely prefer to forget.

Defense: J.J. Watt. Even when the game is brutal, he still makes his plays.

Special Teams: Bryan Braman. If the entire team played with that type of energy, this might have been a better game.