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Burritos On Parade

We pay homage to the wit and stomach of J.J. Watt in the best way we know how, by conceiving of Texans-related burritos.

Thomas B. Shea

If you haven't heard it yet, and frankly if you haven't I'm supremely disappointed in you, J.J. Watt said to Ravens running back Ray Rice, "I've eaten burritos bigger than you." This is undoubtedly true, as Ray Rice is a tiny, tiny man. But this got me to thinking, as food often does, about burritos; burritos worthy of the Juggerwatt, worthy of being eaten by the Houston Texans.

Like many of the other writers of BRB, I also dabble in the culinary arts from time to time, so with this being the bye week, and a singularly good time for fluffy posts like this one, I started putting together ideas for Texans-inspired burritos (with a major hat tip to TDC for putting the idea in my head). This is by no means a complete list nor is it in any particular order, it's just the ones I was able to think up in the last couple of days.

So I submit to y'all the Burritos on Parade, each of which is roughly the size of Ray Rice.

The Juggerwatt - A hearty burrito dedicated to our favorite pass deflecting defensive end. Beer-braised shredded Angus beef short rib with a roasted sweet corn and black bean pico de gallo smothered with sharp Wisconsin cheddar.

Buffalo Brett's Bodacious Buffalorito - Chunks of dark meat chicken tossed in a rich, spicy hot pepper sauce topped with shredded carrots and celery tossed in a light and tangy bleu cheese dressing.

The Vreekin' Awesome Vegan - Chopped roasted Hatch chili peppers, potatoes, and sweet Maui onions on a bed of quinoa and long grain wild rice simmered in a flavorful vegetable broth and slathered in a refreshing green curry sauce. A burrito fit for a vegan pterodactyl philosopher-poet like Arian Foster.

The Fearless Leader - Skirt steak marinated in Coors Light with tomatillo salsa, Spanish rice and potatoes O'Brien wrapped in Ninfa's flour tortillas. For an extra charge, the skirt steak will be marinated in REAL beer.

The Greatest (Burrito) Of All Time - Chunks of dark chocolate layered with mascarpone cheese, walnuts, and sliced strawberries wrapped and pan fried until the chocolate melts. The burrito is then sliced and placed into a bowl with a scoop of passion fruit sorbet. It's a sweet experience like watching Andre Johnson catch a 60 yard bomb, then you get hit by the sour as if you were a red-headed cornerback.

The Comical - Ever wanted to know how it feels to be John McClain? Well, now's your chance! This high-fiber burrito has 11 different kinds of beans, and nothing else; there won't be enough room for anything other than those beans.

The Bushido Burrito - I know, Antonio Smith is a ninja, not a Samurai, but dammit, I like this name better! This Asian-inspired burrito has wagyu strip steak in a wasabi, soy sauce, and ginger glaze with a light slaw of daikon radish, lotus root, and Japanese mustard greens.

The Battlefighter - A Texan through and through and dedicated to the humble coach from Humble, Gary Kubiak. Chicken fried steak strips drizzled over with cream gravy and topped with a melange of jalapenos, red onions and pecans in a light brown sugar glaze.

Cushing's California Crusher - A takeoff of the classic Mission-style burrito; a 2 lb. burrito with hormone-free carne asada dressed with lime juice and garlic, seasoned French fries, heaping helpings of shredded pepper-jack cheese, topped with sliced avocado and refried beans.

The Cincinnati Kid - Connor Barwin's very own burrito is loaded with Skyline Chili, chee--wait, Skyline Chili? Who allowed this up here? Someone is fired!

Bulls on the Bayou - Want to be at the Super Bowl with your beloved Texans but can't make it? This burrito is the next best thing. Spot prawns simmered in a buttery tomato sauce then chopped with sauteed bell peppers, onions, and celery and fried okra (optional) all on a bed of short grain white rice.

Got some ideas of your own? Then write them up on the comments section below! Just remember one simple rule: What would J.J. eat?