Pickin' Winners and Eatin' Wings (Week Five), Or: She Blinded Me With Picks!

I'm really looking forward to Monday Night Football. Not because it's a prime time game, not because it's on ESPN (matter of fact, that's the one part of the game that I'm NOT looking forward to), and not because the Texans will be playing against a football team led by the comedic stylings of Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow.

No, it's because I will be choosing the Texans (naturally) as part of a massive Week Five parlay while I'm on vacation in the largest city in Nevada.

Since I'm making picks both here on this weird series of tubes, and while I'm away, I thought, you know, self (for I do call myself "self"), why not share your picks with people you know online?

Why am I doing this? Well, after going 10-5 last week, and considering this month has five Mondays, five Tuesdays, and five Wednesdays (otherwise known as "money bags"), let's just say I'm feelin' lucky.

Last Week's Record: 10-5
W-L to date: 32-30

Off this week: Arlington Cowgirls, Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Let the picks begin!

Thursday Night 8:20 EDT/5:20 PDT

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams - On one hand, the Rams won't see the end zone much this week against a stout Cardinals defense. On the other hand, as I got to see on Sunday, they didn't need to get into the end zone much against the Seahawks. Still, I think the Cards should handle the Sheep fairly easily. Pick: Cardinals

Sunday

1:00 p.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. PDT

Philadelphia Eagles at Pittsburgh Steelers - I feel a deep moral obligation to pick against the Steelers in all things. I think the Eagles offense should (I emphasize "should") be able to handle the aging and already banged up Steelers defense. Pick: Eagles

Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins - Judging by all the press that Robert Griffin III is getting, I fully expect Washington fans to build a Colossus of Griffin in front of FedEx Field. I also expect John McClain to make a blood sacrifice to it; preferably his own. Oh, and the Falcons win this one because I think they're better. Pick: Falcons

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs - Okay, okay, I've learned my lesson. No more picking the Chiefs. I really should already know better than to do so, but there are a lot of things I should know better than to do, like golf in an electrical storm. The Ravens will win easily and, as a bonus, I fully expect this to be Matt Cassel's final game as a starter. Not that they'll start Brady Quinn, I just think they'll use the spot for another running back or something. Pick: Ravens

Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals - I'm honestly surprised by how close some of these Dolphins games have been and that they're only a couple of bad bounces from a better record. But the Bengals offense is pretty impressive, and the Pride of Katy may have competition from Mohamed Sanu for his job. Well, not really, but that was a hell of a throw. Pick: Bengals

Cleveland Browns at New York Giants - I'll be honest here. I don't see much of a way that the Browns beat the Giants. Joe Haden will be back on the field after serving a four game suspension, but unless he discovers a way to clone himself, I don't think the Browns will be able to withstand the Giants' pass game. Pick: Giants

Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts - With Colts' head coach Chuck Pagano likely to miss a significant amount of time due to being treated for leukemia, I don't see any way the Packers lose this game. Pick: Packers

4:05 p.m. EDT/1:05 p.m. PDT

Chicago Bears at Jacksonville Jaguars - Apparently the Jags will debut their new black jerseys against the Bears this week. Pigs wearing lipstick seems come to mind immediately. No idea why. Also, nice job in stealing the idea from Brooklyn. Pick: Bears

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers - The Seahawks are better than the team that came out against the Rams. No. Really, I mean it. Do I think they'll come out and take one against the Panthers? Not with the offense in the configuration it's in now. Much as I love Beast Mode, a running game does not an offense make. Pick: Panthers

4:25 p.m. EDT/1:25 p.m. PDT

Tennessee BESFs at Minnesota Vikings - If you had told me that the Minnesota Vikings would be leading their division after a quarter of the season, I'd have said you were out of your mind. Guess it's a good thing I didn't put money on that little proposition. I don't know if they can keep this up or not, but I think they can manage it for at least one more game, especially against the Tacks. Pick: Vikings

Buffalo Bills at San Francisco 49ers - Buffalo fans are starting to complain that Mario Williams conned the Bills out of $100 million. I'm kind of surprised by this, only because I didn't think they'd catch on this quickly. But, hey, at least you know you can attract free agents, right Buffalo? San Francisco should make easy work of the Bills. Pick: 49ers

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots - This one actually seems like it might be closer than it should be. I'm rather looking forward to watching the Pats offense go up against the Denver defense. They may not have the Bulls on Parade, but I think the pass rush should give Brady enough problems to force some bad passes. Pick: Broncos

8:20 p.m. EDT/5:20 p.m. PDT

San Diego Chargers at New Orleans Saints - Either the Saints defense is really THAT bad, or they're working on one of the biggest rope-a-dopes I've ever seen. I suspect the defense is just that bad and the Chargers should be able to come away with a win. And Brees will break Johnny Unitas' record. Call it a hunch. Pick: Chargers

Monday Night 8:30 p.m. EDT/5:30 p.m. PDT (a.k.a. The Only Game That Matters)

Houston Texans at New York Jets - No Darrelle Revis, no Santonio Holmes, no real quarterback to speak of; I can't say I dislike the Texans' chances in this game. And with the Texans a 7.5 point favorite, I think I'll take those odds and run away laughing. Pick: Texans

Like these picks? Think these picks are awful? What picks would you make if you could wager on the game (for entertainment purposes, only)? Make your voice heard in the comments below!