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The Unbearable Powerfulness of Ranking (October 5, 2012 Edition)

Oooh, your rankings are so powerful, MDC!

Troy Taormina-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

We've reached the quarter pole of the 2012 season, and a number of things are starting to become clear. For one, your Houston Texans are really good at football. For another, the other members of the AFC South are decidedly not good at that same sport. For a third, BRB remains the best Texans-related blog on these here internets by a comfortable margin. [Author's note: This last fact was exceedingly clear long before the fourth game of the 2012 season, but that doesn't make it any less clear as of this writing.]

If four games have been played, that means that it's time to update the only power rankings that matter to AFC South fans. As always, this is a ranking of the four teams in the division relative to one another as well as to other objects, both real and ephemeral. If you are curious how previous installments looked, see: 2011-1, 2011-2, 2011-3, 2011-4, and 2012-1.

Take it away, completely-scientific-and-not-at-all-arbitrary-or-capricious listing!


1. The Houston Texans. Fun fact: if I were doing this power ranking for all the teams in the NFL, I'd still have Houston at number 1.


2. J.J. Watt. The only reason he's number 2 is because the team he dominates for is above him. If J.J. Watt wanted to marry my sister, I'd force my mother to adopt one of marrying age just for him.


3. Sean Connery as James Bond. If you disagree that Connery was the best Bond, you don't get to have an opinion on the matter.


4. Deep-Fried Bacon. Because why the hell NOT deep-fry bacon!? [Note: BRB assumes no liability for heart conditions created or exacerbated by the ingestion of deep-fried bacon.]


5. Kate Upton. Specifically, this quasi-SFW-ish gallery of her dressed as farmer's daughter.


6. Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. Look, maybe I'm just biased because Goldeneye one of the greatest games ever made, but, for my money, Brosnan was the best of the rest of the Bond actors.


7. Samsung Galaxy S3. Such a great phone. I love it. You know those commercials where GS3 users feel smug compared to iPhone users? Totally accurate. There's nothing productive that an iPhone does that the Samsung does not do better. Nothing. Nice maps, Apple.


8. Roger Moore as James Bond. Moore's take on Bond seemed to be, hey, what if James Bond had MORE sex with MORE women, while still doing awesome stuff? For some reason, this worked.


9. Sports Night. Criminally underrated show that combined the stylistic cues of The West Wing with sports and humor. It lasted only two seasons because, with very few exceptions, the kind of people who watch network television don't appreciate intelligently done comedy.


10. Daniel Craig as James Bond. Craig is not bad as Bond, but there are just so many little things that seem off about his portrayal, from the blond hair/blue eyes to the fact that he's built more like a weakside linebacker than you'd picture Bond to be. He seems more like Liam Neeson in Taken than like Connery's Bond.


11. Shiner 102 Double Wheat. It's not the best wheat beer in the world; it's not a bad wheat beer, either. It's a perfectly cromulent brew, and, thus, it's perfect for the #11 spot on our list.


12. George Lazenby as James Bond. On Her Majesty's Secret Service was the only film he did, in large part because he thought the Bond franchise wouldn't sell in the 1970s. The film was not great by Bond standards, but it was pretty good. Still, Lazenby's Australian accent irks me every time I watch OHMSS, and, though he looked the part, he was never really "BOND" the way some of the guys above him were.


13. Farting In The Shower. Oh, man, is this terrible. The combination of increased air temperature, turbidity of the air, and the somewhat enclosed space turns an ordinary fart into a STINKSPLOSION.


14. On-Street Parking. Specifically, on-street parking if you live in a place where you have to account for street cleaning multiple times per week. I dealt with that in St. Louis for most of the three years I was there, and it never ceased to be irritating.


15. Home Improvement. This show was not funny, ever, because Tim Allen is not funny, ever. OH, HAHA, HE GRUNTED BECAUSE HE'S A GUY AND CAVEMAN SOMETHING SOMETHING!


16. The Indianapolis Colts. Knocked down one spot from the previous rankings because they are worse, relative to Houston, than I expected. Andrew Luck has been sacked 7 times in three games. The Packers have 16 sacks in four games. This week could get ugly.


17. Timothy Dalton as James Bond. There are people who will claim that Dalton's portrayal is "closer to the book version" and is better than Lazenby's at the very least. To those people I say, (a) I don't care about the book version and (b) no, he's not. Lazenby was incorrect for the role, but looked and acted the part; Dalton was just bad at it, to the point that I rooted for Franz Sanchez during License to Kill.


18. The Jacksonville Jaguars. My gut tells me that they'll be the lowest team in these rankings by the end of the sesaon, but, right now, they're 1-1 in the division and, all things considered, worthy of being ranked ahead of the Titans.


19. AIDS. Because, you know, it's AIDS.


19. The Tennessee Titans. Worse than the Jags? You bet, at least as of this writing. 0-1 in the division, far worse point differential, and worse DVOA. Plus, even if you think they're equally bad, the ever-present stink of Bud Adams is always a tie-breaker.