Hair of the Dog: Now With a Second Helping of Football (Texans @ Lions)

Yesterday, your Houston Texans played in their first Thanksgiving Day football game ever. In honor of the event, I thought it might be nice to show gratitude for a few things that I am thankful for.

I'm thankful that Wade Phillips is the defensive coordinator of the Texans.

I'm thankful that J.J. Watt was selected as the first round pick last year.

I'm thankful that my television has a mute button.

I'm thankful for DVR.

I'm thankful that there exists a holiday where where it's socially acceptable to eat in excess.

I'm thankful that Matt Schaub, Arian Foster and Andre Johnson wear deep steel blue every week.

I'm thankful that Tim runs such a top notch site here and that my comrades author some of the best football analysis on these here interwebs.

Pregame:

MDC:

So, on a scale of 1 to Faggins, how bad will Watt make Raiola look today?

tGC:

Faggins minus Wilson. And I'm not talking about the king of Phrygia.

Tim (being a bit of a jerk):

Happy Thanksgiving to you guys and your families. Hope you have a great day that is in no way ruined by Calvin Johnson.

/foreshadowing

MDC:

I fear this game. That's why I started drinking screwdrivers at 8.

tGC:

Remember that time a few years ago when Petey was one on one with Megatron?

Why would it be different with Ball covering him? Please tell me it will be different. Please. It's ok to lie to me.

MDC:

We didn't have Wade or Watt or decent safeties then?

Vega:

It'll be different

BFD:

Oh, yeah, Happy Thanksgiving to everybody! May you look all fat and drunk like me at the end of the day.

BFD:

Just now, as I was hot, nekkid, and generously soaping up my HAWT body in the shower, I came to the same conclusion (though not at the same time) as did MDC: Ball and Quin on Megatron with Kareem on Broyles. I mean, let's not even disguise the fact we need two guys to cover Megatron. Let's just stop him before he hurts us too badly.

UT:

Well MY Thanksgiving is now over.

No way I'm eating after that image got into my head.

Vega:

They've got a saxomophone player playing the anthem for a Texans game. That's a great sign.

First Quarter:

tGC (after Watt's opening sack):

That's how you start.

MDC:

I'm so happy that I'm not the only one who always says "saxomophone."

Also, Justin James Watt is a beast. So beastly that Lions' o-line is kittening themselves.

Vega:

The non-Watt pass rush has been absolutely craptastic lately.

MDC:

Mo' Crick, baby.

/starting to consider lighting the house on fire so the inlaws don't have to listen to me scream and punch dogs/children

MDC:

9-yard cushion on Calvin Johnson in the redzone? WHAT CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!?!

MDC:

I would pay $500 for whomever is in charge of providing the Texans with shoes to be publicly flogged.

Vega (after the Lions' opening TD):

Wow, Bradie James got absolutely dominated on that play

MDC:

As did Earl Mitchell.

Keshawn Martin is going to be the death of me.

MDC:

Two Texans games in four days is wrecking my central nervous system. I think I'm developing a tic.

Vega:

Nick Fairly running down Garret Graham when he has a running start and Graham has to jump first, is not as much of an athletic feat as Phil Simms would have you believe.

UT:

Oh wow, a third and 15 draw run. That TOTALLY works every time!

Brett:

This game is giving me eye cancer

Brett (after Brooks Reed's injury):

I'm genuinely excited to see Mercilus in the game. Just wish it was under better circumstances.

Rivers:

How can we blame that one on Ndamukong Suh?

MDC:

I'm fine with blaming him for everything. I choose to believe that the foot to Schaub's nuts earlier was intentional.

MDC:

Oh, crap. Stafford realized that Calvin Johnson is alive.

tGC:

Alan Ball on Megatron. Puke.

Brett:

So...can we put Kareem on Calvin...please.

Vega:

Phil Simms is ruining Thanksgiving.

Second Quarter:

tGC:

It is virtually impossible to get a clean hit on Foster. That's why I'm not too worried about him getting so many carries.

James Casey yacs.

MDC:

Casey's balance is terrific. I chalk it up to his multi-sport background.

MDC:

Tim is either trapped at his inlaws or too hungover to email. Which are we betting on?

UT:

Prop bet says both.

tGC:

I'll take a parlay on both.

MDC:

OK, SERIOUSLY, KITTENING GET ALAN KITTENING BALL OFF OF JOHNSON NOW BEFORE KITTENING KITTEN GOD KITTEN KITTEN!

tGC:

However, I do like our pass rush.

tGC:

Not as much as I like that chick in the yellow shirt

UT:

Mike kittening Thomas. Hasn't he done enough against the Texans in his career?

tGC:

Also, the Lions are starting to annoy me with all that stupid celebration after every single play

UT (after Andre Johnson's incredible juggling sideline catch):

Andre Johnson is a bad, bad man.

Rivers:

Kitten you Shayne Graham. Kitten you and your kickoffs to the 10.

Halftime:

UT:

This is probably a bad time to mention that the only other game I've watched at home this season was against Green Bay.

TDC:

Trying to decide what was worse to watch...Kid Rock or the Texans so far. Been that kind of game.

Third Quarter:

tGC:

I want to punch Jim Schwartz.

But not as bad as I want to punch Joe Marciano.

UT:

I want to hit Jim Schwartz WITH Joe Marciano.

Rivers:

I think we all know the real problem here. (Cough)No2DH(Cough.)

TDC (After Justin Forsett's "Touchdown"):

Justin Forsett? Justin Forsett. Boom.

UT:

Oh dear god, thank you Justin Forsett!!!! What the hell just happened there?!

TDC:

Bad officiating? Luck? A runner who wasn't touched when he went down?

Rivers:

Officially putting the non-Watt pass rush on a milk carton.

Fourth Quarter:

tGC:

Shame our offense isn't here.

MDC:

Also, kitten the Lions. They are playing exactly like the Titans of a couple years ago. Dirty, cheap hits; whining when someone dares hit you; trying to hurt a team that they know they can't beat straight-up.

Rivers:

Gosh you guys are whiny about the dirty.

Anyway, Barrett Ruud is playing. That's a not good thing. Phil Simms explained that the heat of overtime ran the Texans out of gas. In Reliant.

tGC:

Nice to see our defense for a change.

TDC:

J.J. Watt sets the franchise single season sack record in 11 games.

tGC:

Andre Johnson = man.

UT:

Holy kittening kitten, they went for it on fourth down and pulled it off?

What the hell is going on here?!

tGC:

Oh, Dre. How I love you so

MDC:

Who leaves Andre Johnson open on fourth down?

tGC:

I'm running out of words to describe Dre.

MDC:

Have you gone with "faptastic" yet?

tGC:

Faptastic works faptastically.

This just in: our team is tough.

MDC:

Dre's got his 10th best game, yardage wise, already today.

UT:

My wife just flipped off Ndamukong Suh. God I love this woman.

MDC:

Foster: 46 TDs in 46 career games.

tGC:

Detroit just burned a timeout after an incomplete pass?

Zuh?

Brett:

Barrett Ruud saving the game. Who knew.

BFD:

Barrett Ruud just made two plays in coverage. Let that sink in.

tGC:

Overtime. Again.

UT:

I think I'm going to be ill.

Overtime:

BFD:

INT for a TD. Calling it.

MDC:

They've turned Ball into Petey and are just throwing wherever he's lined up.

tGC:

This is the rare game where we get the benefit of the refs sucking.

MDC:

That's just...what? What's going on? How's that? I donlaskjdlakjgflahgoa

UT:

Foster's taping up his hand?

I do not like the looks of that.

UT:

So help me God, Kubiak, you're counting on Graham to nail one from 51 yards?

Rivers:

Good job by Kubiak there. Just kidding, it kittening SUCKED.

tGC:

Yfhyfbjb hhutcbib

Rivers:

Get on: Kubiak's bullkitten game management.

MDC:

Look, Advanced Clock Readin' conflicted with Animal Husbandry at A&M, so he couldn't take that one.

TDC:

Shayne Graham can kitten himself. And Kubiak made a terrible decision to settle.

MDC:

Remember when the story was, hey, at least Graham is accurate if you can get him close him close enough?

tGC:

Imagine if we had thrown an incompletion instead of rushed for -3 yards. That could have been three game-winning points.

I love Kubes, but not right now.

MDC:

Theory: we wear really kitteny shoes.

UT (just before Detroit's OT field goal attempt):

I take it back. NOW we're kittened

tGC:

Kitteny kitten.

tGC (after Detroit missed the field goal):

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha.
259+88+96+:+580+89::6gnvjfvgg ghhvjhgf

Brett:

I can't take this anymore.

BFD (after the gamewinning field goal):

Ten quarters of football in five days. I'm tired. Don't know about those guys.

UT:

I've never been so glad to have to re-write a post-game write-up.

BFD:

These are not your older sister's Houston Texans.

tGC:

I have no idea how we won this game. I suppose it comes down to Andre Johnson and JJ Watt.

MDC:

So Dre had his first- and fifth-best receiving yardage games of his career in the span of five days.

Rivers:

Let us never say the Texans aren't lucky again.

UT:

I don't know about y'all, but my head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it; and I haven't even drank yet.

MDC:

Does that mean that your brain has surrendered? Or that you are craving cheese?

tGC:

I'd just as soon we didn't rely on luck to win us games. It showed that we're mentally tough, but we could - and probably should - have lost this game. I'd just as soon not bring variance into the equasion.

BFD:

You're slurring.

Tim:

The Texans won, I ate too much, and the Horns play tonight. I feel like Nikki Sixx, circa 1986.

I had to bail on the conversation at around halftime because of family obligations, but rest assured that I was as invested in the game as possible. In the end, I think I've come to the realization that I don't like the Texans playing on Thanksgiving -- especially if they're going to do their best Northwestern impersonation (though I do like the added twist of winning).

I don't think I can recall a game that had as much action in overtime, but regardless, games like this should not be suffered in the presence of children.

That said, I'd like to add a few things to my list in the introduction:

I'm thankful that I don't have to watch the Lions celebrate after every play for another four years.

I'm thankful that Jim Schwartz is an idiot who doesn't know the challenge rules

I'm thankful again for Andre Johnson and J.J. Watt.

I'm thankful that my family has a habit of making approximately fifteen times the amount of food that is really necessary for a Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a happy and safe Thanksgiving weekend (though by the time you read this, Thanksgiving itself will be over).

Game Balls:

Offense: Andre Johnson for being Andre Johnson. Rumors of his demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Defense: J.J. Watt. As MDC put it in a post game email,

This is the line that a champion puts up on Thanksgiving:

I'm a little disappointed that he had zero TD.

Special Teams: Donny Jones for being the Texans best player early in the game.