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Battle Red Onion: Amobi Okoye Declaration of Week 10 "Armageddon" Goes Unnoticed

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010. This week, a look at Amobi Okoye facing the team that drafted him for the first time.

Pictured above:  Amobi Okoye being ignored by Bud Adams' Army of Poopy-Pantses
Pictured above: Amobi Okoye being ignored by Bud Adams' Army of Poopy-Pantses
Grant Halverson

Chicago, Illinois

November 9, 2012

After a 30 point stomping of the hilariously inept Tennessee Titans, Amobi Okoye looked at the Bears' next opponent on the schedule. When he learned that he would be facing his former team, he decided to take a page from ex-teammate Mario Williams' playbook and called the Sunday Night game "armageddon."

Unfortunately for the defensive tackle, who had just finished shaving his face without any help from anybody, he ran into some difficulty getting the media to notice.

"I tried everything," said Okoye of his plight. "I waved my arms around, jumped up and down next to a camera crew for several minutes. I even thought about riding past the camera on a unicycle and carrying a sign saying 'Texans/Bears = Armageddon,' but I couldn't get their attention, and my unicycle was in the shop."

The camera crew, sources say, was in the middle of filming Brian Urlacher talking about his pet fish, Roderick. "I thought I heard someone making a ruckus," said the cameraman. "Something about doomsday or whatnot. I thought it was some nut who managed to get into the locker room. Made me nervous, I thought we might be in danger or something."

"Isn't anybody listening to me?!" Okoye shouted while our source spoke to the cameraman.

While the media doesn't appear to be taking Okoye's words seriously, the Texans are taking no chances against their former defensive tackle.

"Of all people, I should know what Amobi is capable of," was what Texans head coach Gary Kubiak had to say. "He's a good kid, but catch him during one of his tantrums and hoo boy watch out!" When asked if he was preparing any special plans for Okoye, Kubiak responded, "Absolutely. If he ever sees the field, I plan to put somebody on him...maybe even an offensive lineman. Although nothing is set in stone."

When asked for a comment about Okoye's brash declaration, the Texans' offensive line declined to comment, deciding instead to simply laugh heartily and walk away.

"I was a first round pick for the Texans too," said Okoye while sitting cross-legged on the floor after holding his breath for nearly a full minute when confronted by the slight. "I should command the same kind of respect Mario Williams does in Buffalo! I should! I should I should!" He then proceeded to stomp around in a fit of temper until he was given a small milk container and told it was almost naptime.

The perceived lack of respect might have less to do with his draft status than it does with the complete lack of impact he's had with the team. In the five games where he's actually been on the field, Okoye has all of five tackles and a lone sack. When this fact was brought up to Okoye, he responded by calling our reporter a "poopyface" and telling him that he was no longer his friend anymore.

After having had a chance to calm himself, Okoye later stated that he was looking forward to bringing about the end of the world all over the Texans' offensive line just as soon as he reminds Bears coach Lovie Smith that he is still, in fact, a member of the team.

In a related story, fellow Texans first round pick Travis Johnson announced earlier this week that he intends to call his matchup against the Texans "the Apocalypse of Judgment Days." The lone reason for his delaying the announcement being that he has yet to convince some dimwitted owner to sign him to their team; Battle Red Onion sources confirm that his short list consists solely of Tennessee Titans owner Kenneth "Bud" Adams.

We will have more on the Travis Johnson story if we can be bothered to follow up on him.