clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

And Now A Special Offer from BRB Records

The following is an unpaid non-advertisement of a totally nonexistent product with the complete lack of cooperation and approval from a celebrity non-endorser.

He may or may not be running to get his copy right now.  Are you?
He may or may not be running to get his copy right now. Are you?

Hi, I'm Sam Waterston. You might be wondering what I'm doing on a Houston Texans blog. Actually that's a good question, what am I doing here again? Oh, right, the fine folks who brought you such favorites as "Greatest Hits of the Tokugawa Era," "Dentist's Office Waiting Room Classics," and "The Very Best of Ernest Thwacknoodle and His Singing Capybaras" have a very special offer just for you...and anyone else who happens to be reading this right now.

It's a special time of year for all of us; the air grows cold, people around you seem just a little bit more tolerable friendlier than usual, and there's a feeling of anticipation hanging in the air as thick as my eyebrows. That's right, the NFL playoffs are just around the corner. To commemorate this, the fine folks at Battle Red Records--guh, who wrote this script?

Um, I mean Battle Red Records has for you a one-time only offer of "The Twelve Days of Tex-Mas;" a compendium of 327,491 traditional playoff favorites jam-packed onto a collection of 302 CDs!

What does this mean for you, Texans fans? It means that you can enjoy such classics as these:

Gabbert Got Run Over By A Cushing

I Saw Mommy Kissing J.J. Watt

Carol of the Bulls (on Parade)


We could list hundreds of others, but that would deprive you of so much that this collection has to offer. Here's a sentimental ballad sure to tug at your heartstrings.


I'm Dreaming of A Somewhere-Between-80-and-50-Degrees-and-Sunny Christmas
Just so I can see the roof open for once...


Wasn't that just beautiful? That, and hundreds of thousands of other songs you're sure to cherish for decades to come can all be found in one collection. It's even got songs dedicated to inferior teams, like these:


O Little Town of Methlehem

Joy To The World (Bud Adams Is Dead)

and this one that's sure to become an instant classic sung in a stunning falsetto by Tony Romo:


Playoff Time Will Find Me
Watchin' on the tube
I'll be home for playoffs
'Cause Jerrah is a boob


Doesn't that just warm the heart? I know it does mine. So do these choice cuts:

All I Want For Christmas Is A First Round Bye

The 12 Days of Tex-Mas

Playoff Time Is Here (Happiness and Beer)

What Crap Is This (You Dumb-Ass Refs)

Steel Blue Christmas


And what Playoff album isn't complete with a rousing rendition of this song about Houston's favorite "reporter:"

Oh Pancakes, Pancakes, Pancakes
Your head is made of clay
And when it's dry and ready
What nonsense you will say!

...and this timely song:

We Wish You'd Can Marciano
We Wish You'd Can Marciano
We Wish You'd Can Marciano
And we mean like right now!


Oh good grief, there's more? I-I mean yes, there's more! We've only just scratched the surface of what kinds of wonderful songs there are in No, not the taser! This fantastic collection! Including a fresh take on Handel's masterpiece:


A-a-a-a-andre Johnson! A-a-a-a-andre Johnson!
Is the greatest, is the greatest
Is the greatest of a-a-a-all time!
He-e-e-e just beat a leprechaun into the ground
A-a-a-a-andre Johnson! A-a-a-a-andre Johnson!

...and this one:


You Better Watch Out
You're Probably Gonna Cry
You Might As Well Pout
I'm Tellin' You Why
Glover Quin Is Taking You Down

Run Run Forsett (The Ref Hasn't Ruled You Down)

O Holy Crap (Kareem Can Play Corner)


Wouldn't you just love to have these songs playing on your boombox? Yes, I know, nobody has boomboxes anymore but that's what it says on the script and I'm sticking to it. These songs are guaranteed to get you into the playoff spirit. Songs like:

Hark! The Pterodactyl Vreeks

Silent Night (Battlefight)

O Come All Ye Bloggers (Drunken and Triumphant)

...and this one:


Here Comes Son of Bum
Here comes Son of Bum
Coming down Kirby Drive way
Mixin' blitzes and gettin' his bulls
All ready for parade


These songs are so festive and so fancy that I decided to wear a tux for the rest of this one-time only offer from the fine, fine folks at Battle Red Records. (mumbles) Whoever wrote this should be fired.

Now you may be saying "But Sam, how can I get this massive, must-have collection of CDs for my very own self; or even as a gift someone I know?"

I was hoping you wouldn't ask! You might expect a collection like this to go for $29.99 or $39.99. But you would be mistaken. No, this pile of...uh...songs, is yours for the low, low-ish price of 13 cents a pound (15 cents per kilo Canadian)! This comes to about $47,000.

The fine folks at Battle Red Records know you might not have 47 large just sitting in your couch cushions like they do, so if you act RIGHT NOW, they'll space those payments out in 14 installments over a two week period. They're incredibly generous like that.

And really, it's a small price to pay for such a quantity, and maybe even quality, of entertainment that will last through your lifetime and probably those of your descendants as well.

To order, call the number below to get your own personal copy of "The Twelve Days of Tex-Mas"*


Operators and moving trucks loaded with CDs are standing by!

Order now, my life may well depend on it!

*Offer void in Tennessee, Indiana, Florida, neighborhoods with noise ordinances, that one place where BFD went skinny dipping, Arkansas, Oklahoma and, by court order, 1,000 yards away from either J.J. Watt or Ernest Thwacknoodle, Esq.